Day 8 - Goodbye, Four Leaf Clover.

Day 8, People.  The Month of Blogging streak is unbroken.  It will be hard next week, as I am traveling to Ohio for a hooker convention and will be...ahem...BUSY.  But I ain't quittin you, Wifers!

So tomorrow I have a pap smear, which by it's very name sounds gross, and it's one of those days where you want to look decent because COME ON.  Someone has to stare into your very soul via your hoo-ha, and you sort of hope there isn't any unsightly hair or bruises and your stomach isn't flopped out on the table on your side.

One of my best friends since fifth grade (yes, someone has known me THAT long and still speaks to me!) is an OB-GYN and actually delivered my niece and nephew, and she's the one whom I alway refer to when I say I badger a doctor friend from high school for advice.  Although I think I was put on the ban list on her paging service last year when I called her service at night a little drunk and told them to tell her that "Me and Meem want to know why she isn't at the party!?!"  (But you were *supposed* to be there, Paige.  Don't make me go to extremes to get you out.  You did that to yourself.)

Anyway, OB-GYN friend says that they see EVERYTHING as far as personal hygeine and body decor, so don't worry about it because they don't see it or talk about it in the break room, which is nice to hear but I think is total BS.  If YOU saw someone's dealio shaved into a four-leaf clover or pierced with a safety pin, wouldn't YOU need to tell someone?  At least your therapist!  And let them talk about OTHER people (and please, God, let me hear it) but I don't want to be in the water cooler talk.  Therefore, I am shaving off my four leaf clover and taking the safety pin out. 

Today, I am walking past a big plate glass window at work that has a mirror effect, and I caught a glimpse of myself and thought, "Whose stomach am I carrying around?  Because THAT?  Is unattractive."  I blame Current Husband and that twenty pound bag of Peanut M&M's he brought home this weekend and forced me to eat at gunpoint.  And the beer and wine he made me buy.  And the ice cream and the shish kebob.  Do you hear me?  CALL THE POLICE, he is fattening me up for something.  Now I have to go disrobe for someone and explain myself.  Well, I probably don't HAVE to explain myself, but I'm sure I will.  It's what I do.

By the way - Happy Birthday Paige!  I'm having a pap smear on your birthday in your honor!  I hope there's theme cake afterward!

It's Whoreticulture Friday! Issue 55

Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygiene mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word "culture". Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology. Whoreticulture Friday is not for children. Or squeamish people. Or Mother-In-Laws. Or people I work with. Or neighbors who are raising feral cats. Or the ghost of Liberace.


Today's topic: My New Pink Button
  
Sometimes, gentle reader, a vajacial is just not enough. 

Perhaps after your vagina has been ripped, tweezed, buffed, exfoliated, powdered, masqued, and had "Goodnight Moon" read to it, you are tucking it in for the night and you think, "Honey, you look a little pale.  Are you okay?"  And perhaps you are one of those people who might stare at their own vagina for a VERY VERY long time, like other people might watch a sleeping baby, or a movie, or three-day biopic.  And then perhaps, just perhaps, you are of the opinion that young vaginas are very pink vaginas, and maybe yours is on the pale side, and you develop a DYE SO YOU CAN ARTIFICIALLY COLOR YOUR LABIA.  Because NO ONE wants an old, pale pussy.  No one.

Get your things in order.  The Mayans were right. 

Yes, ladies, your prayers have been answered.  For only $29.95, you can dye your labia back to it's original jailbait shade of fuschia.

NEXT FRIDAY NIGHT
ME:  "Hey Gail, what are you doing tonight?"
GAIL:  "Not much - the kids are out with their dad."
ME:  "Mine are at the basketball game.  Hey!  I have a great idea!"
GAIL:  "What?!"
ME:  "Why don't you come over and we can dye our vaginas!"
GAIL:  "Awesome!  I'll bring the champagne and the rhinestones, let's tat those bitches up!"
ME:  "Don't forget the outline for the PTA fundraiser."
GAIL:  "Got it right here."

Apparently, the owner/founder/colorist for My New Pink Button was concerned that her kitten had started looking like an old bleached out feral alley cat.  Naturally, she went online to research her desired coochie color, and found THOUSANDS of people online who had the exact. same. problem.  Which makes me weep a little for the world.

She developed her product.  I will assume that some of the blends maybe didn't work out.  Whose labia burned with those mistakes?  How many vaginas suffered so you could have a perfectly pink pita pocket?  Just like when you were head cheerleader?

Let me take a moment to say that the founder of My New Pink Button is gorgeous, and probably smart, and found a product that apparently people want.  Her packaging is great (ba-dum-dum!), and I love the names of the different colors of product.  They also apparently help with cosmetics for post-op breast cancer patients, and perhaps this product makes people feel good, and improves their self-esteem, and for that I say bravo.  The company seems legit, but a little tongue in cheek (eeew, I know, right?), and I can appreciate some humor. 

But I have trouble getting past the words "labia dye". 

I have a question for the Pink Button people - why stop at pink?  What if I want to go a little farther on the color wheel?  Maybe I want a Purple People Eater.  Or Green Eggs and Ham.  Or maybe I want to be a slutty Smurfette.  Or perhaps I don't want to stop with my labia.  Maybe I want to be Rainbow Brite in my Hinterlands.  What if I want a turquoise uterus?  Then where do I turn, Pink Button people?  Where?  I see a huge gap in the market that needs to be filled. (These jokes just make themselves up.)

Move over Easy button.  There's a New Pink Button in town.

Because feminism was about choices.  Betty Friedan didn't make all those cake mixes so we could live with pale vaginas.  She wanted us to have choices.  She wanted our buttons to be able to be both Easy AND Pink.  Now we can finally have it all.  Yay, feminism!  Make mine the color of Watermelon Sherbet!  With sprinkles!

Happy Whoreticulture Friday!  May your buttons be easy and your labias be as pink as they wanna be!

It's Whoreticulture Friday! Issue 52

Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygiene mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word "culture". Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology. Whoreticulture Friday is not for children. Or squeamish people. Or Mother-In-Laws. Or people I work with. Or neighbors who are raising feral cats. Or the ghost of Liberace.


Today's topic: Pussy Posting

Before I get started, there is an agenda item today:
Todd's Taxidermied Squirrel Party has been CHANGED.  ALREADY.
It is now Tuesday, January 18, from 7:30-9:30 p.m., because a couple of people from my book club e-mailed me and said ,"WHAT THE HELL!?! THAT'S THE NIGHT OF BOOK CLUB!" and I said, "Sheesh, I forgot, I didn't know you miss me when I'm gone!" and they said "We don't, we want to go to Todd's party."

Hand to God, true story.  Just wait until I host the next Book Club, bitches, where I will pick "The Love Slave" and serve only soy crisps and carrot juice.

"In the hands of Karim al Malina, master of the erotic arts, kidnapped Celtic beauty Regan was to be schooled in carnal pleasure--and made a fit consort for a king. But pupil and teacher broke the cardinal rule of their relationship--and fell in love."

(Let me tell you a little embarrassing secret - my boss at the time lent me this book, soon after she lent me her electric breast pump, I actually read it, and I was forcing CH to have sex with me after about page 40.  Creepy book fact.) 

SO.  DID ANYONE NOTICE THE PICTURE SOMEONE POSTED OF THEIR VAGINA ON MY BLOG THE OTHER DAY?

I like to check the blog every so often and read the comments, which I love - I am a total comment whore, by the way - and I glance at the sidebar, and there, in the little pictures of the followers, there is a little shih tzu.  No....it's an Italian guy's head.  No...it is someone's VAGINA.  So I click on this follower, and I see the postings on the page.  They are things like "Korean sluts are hot and wet for you" and "College pussy for the taking".  I'm thinking, "Why is this person following me?  Do they think they will get customers for their clearly illegal international porn ring?"

Then I got mad.  I make it a policy not to pick on random people on the internet, but if you are posting a pussy shot as your icon, you are literally begging people to say something.  If you want to spread your wings on my blog page, at least make it interesting.  I don't want to see some random va-jay-jay.  Make it look like a cupcake, or dye it purple and shave it in the Prince sign or make it look like a standard poodle.  But if you are just posting an out-and-out pussy pic, you are wasting my time, and that of my readers.  I know for a fact that Grande Mocha and Muffintopmommy aren't putting up with that crap for a second.

TIP:  My readers now find regular vaginas uninteresting.

Case in point.  Remember these?
Click here for The Ghost of Whoreticulture Friday past.

 So, gentle pussy, I didn't block you because you posted a crotch shot.  I blocked you because you bored me.  I ask you, Where is the Vajazzaling?  Where are the dreadlocks?  Where is Waldo?  Because if a normal, bushy vagina with slightly uplifted thighs is all you've got for me, you need to go back to the stirrups my friend.

Hey Mom, Could You Vagazzle Me?

Whoever said Disco sucks must know Jennifer Love Hewitt's vagina.

In January of this year, Jennifer appeared on the ‘Lopez Today’ show with George Lopez to give some dating tips and promote her new book, "The Day I Shot Cupid".  Go ahead.  Click the link and watch.  I'll wait.  One of her tips was to glue shiny things right on your privates. She also revealed that she was, at that very moment, sporting a vagina decorated with hot pink Swarovski crystals, which made George Lopez and his audience need to take a moment for visualization. “After a breakup, a friend of mine Swarovski-crystaled my precious lady,” she said. “It shined like a disco ball so I have a whole chapter in there on how women should vagazzle their vajayjays.”

Her precious lady.  Thank you, Jennifer Love Hewitt.

 I have crystals on my vagina and you don't.

At first, I was a little thrown by this.  It seems so easy to make fun.  But you have to feel for Jennifer Love Hewitt because she seems like such a nice girl, who just REALLY wants to be in love.  It is, after all, her middle name.  She's gone public a number of times with her desire to get married, and in the last People magazine she said she has an engagement ring picked out that she goes in to try on once in a while, and some wedding dresses on standby.  She seems nice and normal and doesn't appear to have a drug problem or an eating disorder or sleep with anyone from The Hills.  John Mayer purportedly wrote a song about her you might know, called, "Your Body Is a Wonderland".  

So why can't Jennifer find love?  Could it be that when she is getting hot and heavy with a beau and he goes below deck, there is a sparkling in her panties, like she is a human but her vagina is a vampire?  Could it be that when he sees the disco ball on her precious lady he does The Hustle right out of there?  Does he get Boogie Fever from complications from the cuts he might receive from her cut glass cave?  But I like J Love, and if she wants to vagazzle her vajayjay, that is her cross to bear.

Moving beyond Jennifer and her need to sparkle plenty, I wonder about the person who is applying the crystals.  I did a little research and found that you can book a Ladies Crystal Party, where you and three to six of your best friends can go in for a little blingy on your thingy.

Using Swarovski™ body art, choose a delicate design or create your own masterpiece working with one of our Crystal Art Artisan.

• Individual Crystal Body Art application.
• Qua Exfoliating Body Scrub with Crystal Body Art application.
• Ladies Crystal Body Art Parties (4 to 7).

60 min: from $130

I am thinking this is for a crystal butterfly on your shoulder, but if you ask for a mongoose on your muffin I'm betting they will happily do it for an extra fee.  I'm also making the assumption that you will be expected to have a Brazilian to get this service, unless they are going to just put some guiding lights down the sides of your runway strip, but it would take a very special Crystal Body Art Application Technician to agree to bling a full bush.

 I want a killer whale diving into mine!

Now that I know this service exists in the world, I need to know the particulars.  I'm becoming obsessed with Jennifer Love Hewitt's vagina.  I'm doing dishes and I think, "How do they apply her crystals?  Is she laying back, legs spread, drinking wine from a straw?  What is the name of her technician?  Does she call her by name?"  I'm folding towels and I think "How long do Jennifer Love Hewitt's vagina crystals stay on?  Do they start falling out of her clothes?  Does she scratch herself after peeing?"  I'm packing the kids' lunches and I think, "Does J Love's vagazzaling require special underwear?  Don't the crystals catch on most panties?"  I will be driving the kids to cello lessons and think "Is it like a pedicure, where they have to remove the old polish to put on the new?  How does she pick her design?  Does she do themes, like Abe Lincoln for President's Day, or Jesus for Easter?"   

Her vagina has become the siren call for all people with vaginas.  She is now setting the bar for caring for all of our Precious Ladies.  If your dealio is not encrusted with crystals, maybe you don't care so much.  Where is the love, ladies?  Where?

If you are vagazzaling your vajayjay, I want to hear about it.  Release me from my torment.  I need to know.