Monday, July 2, 2012

Goodbye Blogger!

Hello Wifers! Thanks so much for coming along with me for the ride on Blogspot - after three years here, I've decided to move "A Day In The Wife" to WordPress. Please come over and join me! All new posts will be on the WordPress site:

http://www.adayinthewife.com/


Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Goodbye, Nora Ephron

Tonight, I came home from an evening walk with a friend to discover via Facebook, my go-to news source, that Nora Ephron had died. What bittersweet news. I won't hem and haw and tear at my clothing for you here, but let me take a moment to say what Nora and her writing meant to me.



First and foremost, she was an incredible writer.  Funny. Poignant. Smart.  And a woman in a man's world, who paved the way for many who came after her.  I was influenced by her before I even knew who she was.  Like the rest of America, I fell in love with Sleepless in Seattle.  For a while, my singular goal in life was to meet a handsome widower with an adorable son and live on a houseboat in Seattle.  (And after Current Husband, I shall.)  She made me a better writer, and her books have certainly influenced how I write.

The movie "You've Got Mail" made me want to open a store.  I loved the Shop Around the Corner, and actually opened a retail store with checkerboard tile floors where I would "twirl" Oldest Daughter and The Son, and cuddle infant baby Youngest Daughter.  *sigh*   I sold the store when we moved to the Quad Cities.  I still miss that store.  They don't make much money and they are an 18/6 commitment, but they can be oh so much fun.  I miss my awesome customers, and you cannot BEAT shopping at a gift market, spending thousands of dollars to stock your store, and when your orders come in it's like Christmas.


The Shop Around the Corner, where Meg Ryan twirled with her mom.


Blurry pic of YD in my store.  In her bikini.  
Because that's how she rolls.

Nora's book "I Feel Bad About My Neck" is terrific.  Not only is it a guidebook of sorts to aging, but it's a beautifully descriptive book about New York City and a snapshot of life in the 1960's and 1970's.  I loved it.  Go.  Read it.  I'll wait.

(Brace yourself for the cheese factory....)



The Shop Around the Corner closed.  My shop closed.  And after 71 years, Nora Ephron has passed away.  I hope she died with the knowledge that her readers and viewers have loved having her as a part of our lives.

 

Monday, June 25, 2012

Workin' For The Weekend

This post is a summary of How I Spent My Summer Weekend.

1. I left work at 5 p.m. Friday to hurry home so we could leave for Northeastern Iowa to stay with my in-laws. Naturally, we hadn't packed anything.  We were picking Oldest Daughter up from music camp at Luther College in Decorah the next day, and this was going to ensure that we were not late for her checkout from the dorm and got to her concert in time, because alas, we are perpetually late. (This one time, at band camp... oh how those words haunt me now. Movies about teenagers are funny until you have a teenager.)

2.  I brought a bottle of wine for my Mother-In-Law.  Since she was making dinner and is an all-around gem, I brought a good wine.



Mmmm.  Buttery deliciousness.  However, I think the gesture was lost when I drank nearly the entire bottle myself.  She already had a white open when I got there, and exercised restraint.  I haven't yet learned those kinds of skills.  I'm sure this is what she was dreaming of when she thought about her future daughter-in-law:  A skanky lush.  Forgot my Priolosec and guppy puked Sauvignon Blanc all night long.

3.  Went to Luther College to pick up Oldest Daughter and see her concert, which was pretty amazing, but I might be biased.  There is something surreal about picking up your oldest child from a college dorm.  I'm so not ready.  She took a movie-making class, and her short film played in the lobby, and then she performed in the senior orchestra.  How I ended up with klassy kids I shall never know.


Can you see her?  She's one of the 12 cellists.

4.  Drove home from Luther with all kids and OD's boyfriend in the van.  Radio played "Sweet Child O' Mine" no less than THREE times.  My family always re-enacts the scene from Stepbrothers when we hear this song (except for the part where CH would berate me) probably scaring the crap out of OD's BF.  If this doesn't drive the suitors away, nothing will.



5.  Spent Sunday doing almost nothing.  Slept in until 11 a.m. (that's right, almost NOON) because there was a sleep-inducing morning thunderstorm, got up to Current Husband's coffee and Mother-in-law's leftover cinnamon rolls, worked on the 1000-piece puzzle I started with the kids, read a little, did a little laundry, cleaned a little, went on a walk, did a little more puzzle with the kids.  Bliss.

Hope you had a great weekend, Wifers.  Here's to doing more of less.


Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Bad Santa and Coal in My Stocking

First and Foremost:  

I am finally switching the blog to WordPress!  So welcome to the new followers, and I'm so sorry, but your Blogger follow will cease to have meaning after July 1.  However, I hope you will come with me to WordPress, where the commenting is easier and hopefully there are fewer glitches from the administrative end.  Can I get an amen?

I will be posting on both blogs until July 1, and then I'll be switching over solely to WordPress.  Here is the link to the new address - http://www.adayinthewife.com/.  Please make a note of it.

I've been pretty busy for the past week - not only did all of the batshit crazy house projects happen, but I also managed to stalk (and perhaps frighten) an author last weekend at my writer thingy.  Photos were taken, but by a guy named Jim from Tulsa, Oklahoma, and I'm going to wait and see if he comes through with the digital pics he took.  BECAUSE WHY WOULDN'T A GUY FROM TULSA I'VE KNOWN FOR LESS THAN 24 HOURS HONOR HIS PROMISE TO SEND THE PICS HE TOOK OF ME WITH ANOTHER WOMAN?  You have nothing if you don't have faith, people.

Another man I've frightened in the past few weeks is my neighbor, John.  He's a great guy, a bachelor, living in the house he grew up in, but I do suspect he is one of the Feral Cat Club in the neighborhood, where I seem to be the only non-member.  When we first moved into Current House, John made the fatal mistake of giving George the Superpet a Milkbone every time he drove out of the driveway, which runs right next to our backyard fence.  Now, if George hears John's car starting, he begs to be let outside, at which time he barks as though he is going to rip out John's kidney, but I know what George is really saying is "Where is my Goddamned Milkbone?" because George is a now complete Milkbone junkie, thanks to John.  If you're going to start handing out the crack, you can't cut your homies off, because those crackheads will cut. you.

John looks a little bit like Bad Santa.  He drives a sensible SUV, but he has a bottle green convertible Corvette that he takes out on the weekends.  He has a boat.  He likes whiskey.  John love of his boat and Corvette is in direct proportion to his dislike of taking care of his yard.  Including the poison sumac patch he was indirectly cultivating, where I believe the particularly festering neighborhood feral cats would crawl to die.


Neighborhood pack of feral cats waiting for daily 4 p.m. feeding across the street. Honestly, you can't make this stuff up.

If you'll recall, I had boob issues a few weeks back. Web MD diagnosed me with a rare form of ductal cancer, and my Book Club started a Casserole Chain for me and my High School Friend Paige The OB-GYN couldn't diagnose me over the phone because I had accidentally torn the top of my nipple off, so I went in to my doctor. 

DR: "So what seems to be the problem?  You have a sore on your...uh.."
(She is checking chart to be sure this is why I'm there.)
ME:  "My nipple.  It stuck to my bra, and I accidentally tore it off, but now I think it's poison ivy."
DR:  (not following my logic) "Why do you think that?"
ME:  "Because I got poison ivy the day after I tore my nipple off. And now I'm on Prednisone and that's why I'm blowing up like Jerry Lewis."
DR:  "Okay.  Let's take a look at it."

And then it's one of those awkward moments when you're laying on a table all National Georgraphic with your arm up over your head like you're in an oil painting.


This is how I do ALL of my breast exams.

And your doctor is feeling you up, in a purely clinical way, and making small talk with you, like "Is baseball season still going for you guys?" and I'm all, "It must be because you just stole second!" and then I ask about her kids, because really, enough about me.  Then she looks really closely at my nipple, sits me up, high fives me, and says, "Congratulations, you are the first patient I've ever seen with poison ivy on their nipple!"  This is why I love my doctor.  Let's turn a festering sore into a victory. 

She gives me cream and asks about my yard.  We determine that George the Superpet is getting oil on his coat from the poison sumac, which is then getting on my hands, and because I'm so allergic to poison ivy/oak/sumac, if it touches my skin it immediately gets into my bloodstream and BAM! Itchy sores everywhere.  My doctor tells me we should offer to cut the patch down for John, because as long as it's up, my yard is booby trapped.  Seriously.  She says that.  So I have to say, "LITERALLY" and she doesn't even laugh, she just looks down and says, "I can't believe I just gave you that opening."  Me either, Doc.  It's like you don't know me at all.


The last time I had it - big patch on my chest, and all under my chin and second and third chins, and pretty much everywhere else, which is why my doctor made me wear a tube top dress and NOTHING ELSE.  You're welcome, neighbors.

I see John in the yard and I say hi.  He walks over and we chat, and I say something along the lines of "Do you care if we have The Son chop down your Poison Sumac garden?" and he says something like "Oh my gosh, it has poison sumac in it?" and I say something along the lines of "Yeah, George rubs on it and gets the oil on him, and then gives it to me.  I've got it on my chest and arms right now".  He pauses and looks at me, and says, "I'll take it down today."  I protest, because I know he wants to get to his boat, but he won't relent, and spends his day taking the stuff down.

It wasn't until later that day, as John is slaving away in the sun, that I realize I told him George gets the oil on HIM, and that I now have it all over my chest, and I know he has a visual of me rubbing my nakedness all over my oiled up Standard Poodle.

And then I wonder why the neighbors don't talk to us.


Thursday, June 14, 2012

Mounting My Box

So yesterday I discussed my methamphetamine-fueled redecorating which occurs when Current Husband is gone; honestly, it's why he never leaves. What he doesn't understand is that if he would leave more often, we would have a clean, kick-ass house. Reverse psychology, CH. You should learn about it.

CH and I have been in major negotiations over the past two months over my box. Specifically, my window box.

THE CONTENDERS:

Current Husband, a 40-something man in Iowa, likes the Sci-Fi channel, Fox News. CH enjoys surfing the Internet on his iPad, weekend naps, and not getting caught in the rain. CH is anti-yard, plantings, or windowboxes. "They're too much work and it's going to rip the siding off of the side of the house."


Julie the Wife, a 40-something woman in Iowa, likes HGTV, live music, and reading. Julie enjoys hostas with porn names ("Don't Touch My Junk" is the next hosta on her list), pinot grigio in the summer, Jane Austen, and windowboxes. "They are so pretty and add cottage charm."

THE SCENE
I'm outside in the front yard, looking at the house, glass of wine in hand, contemplative look on face. CH sees me and yells from window, "What are you thinking about doing NOW?!?" I pause.  I normally don't like to let him in on my plans until they are fully formed and halfway executed.  "I think we need a big windowbox on the front of the house.  Like the ones we saw in Martha's Vineyard, with the big, trailing flowers."  I hear a large sigh of exasperation.  "We don't need a big windowbox.  It will tear the front off of the house."  At this point, I know he is not on board yet.  I take measurements.

About a month later, we're in Home Depot getting a few items, and I leave him and go to the lumber aisle.  I select three boards and take them to the cutting table, where CH finds me.  "What are you doing?" he asks.  "I'm getting the lumber cut for the windowbox," I explain.  "So you're sure you want these cut to 110" each?" the sawing guy asks,  dubiously.  "Yes."  CH gets a little red about the face, which is sort of his natural state because he's Irish, so it's hard sometimes to tell if he's mad, sunburned, or just breathing.  "I thought we weren't doing the windowbox...that's...that's...110" is nearly 12 feet!" 

Well, duh.  The windows are nearly 12 feet long.  My wonderful cottagey windowbox must span the entire window if it's going to be in a magazine.  I just shrug at CH, because our voices are being drowned out by the sound of the tablesaw cutting into my non-returnable lumber.  "I'm not having anything to do with this thing," CH mutters while shaking his head.  "It's going to ruin our house."  No, it will make it look like it's on the Eastern seaboard.  You're welcome.

Two days later, I'm in the garage pre-drilling the holes in the lumber, which is set up on sawhorses.  CH wanders in and surveys my work.  "Your ends aren't matching."  I punch him in the junk.  I smile sweetly, show him some boob top, and say, "Can you fix it for me?"  and hand him the drill.  He spends the next hour getting the ends lined up on The Windowbox That Is Not Going On The House.  And then he fills the holes with wood putty.  Sucker.

I prime and paint The Windowbox That Is Not Going On The House.  CH is getting increasingly nervous.  "How are you putting this thing up?  I'm not kidding, it's going to rip off our siding."  I make a bargain with CH.  I will call the contractor who did our basement, and ask him to find the studs on the wall so I know I'm putting everything on properly.  CH agrees to my terms.  I call the contractor.  He's really busy, it's going to be a while.  CH leaves town for two days.  I have a drill and I know how to use it. 

My neighbors come outside drinking beer and look at my project, and they both advise me to wait for the contractor.  "You'll rip the siding off," they say.  My friend, who is normally a terrific enabler, drops off her daughter to play with Youngest Daughter, and says, "Don't do it Julie.  You're going to rip the siding off.  Wait for the contractor."  Shit.  Waiting is NOT my strong suit.  And I have two days to get the thing up before CH is home and able to tell me no.  I drink a glass of wine and think about it.  Then I drink another.  And then I decide that I am really good with power tools, and because my dad was a bricklayer I know my stuff, I move forward.

Apparently the Universe was also nervous about my plan (She'll rip the siding off), and just as I was getting the extension cord out, I got a text from the contractor.  Even though he was in a big hurry, he could squeeze me in between jobs.  He stopped by, and couldn't find the studs under the aluminum siding.  He drilled a bunch of holes, nothing.  He was getting nervous, I was getting nervous, he was getting texts from other jobs saying, "Where are you?" and finally, maybe TOO conveniently, he found all four studs and then left in a hurry.

I then drilled twelve holes in the front of my house.  They are not small holes.  Out of twelve holes, only one of them came out with wood shavings.  I started to get a little nervous.  My neighbor checked in again, and I told him only one hole had wood.  "That's not good," he said, and backed away from me nervously.  I had just ruined our house, and CH would be home in about two hours.  Could anyone quickly come over and re-side our house?  No.  No, they couldn't.  The only way to cover them up was with a windowbox.  I screwed in twelve 3" bolts, and to my intense relief, they seemed to catch into what was probably a stud.

BEFORE:

AFTER:


Once those potato vines and wave petunias go crazy?  Total cottage charm.  CH pulled up from his trip to Ames, got out of the car, stood on the sidewalk for a second and then started smiling and shaking his head.  He got his suitcase and walked past me into the house, saying, "Nice windowbox."

I'm going to put this one in the victory column.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Meth Sister Wives

I've been a bit neglectful of the blog this week because I have been a Meth Sister Wife. This is a lot like regular Sister Wives but without the religion, and plus the methamphetemine, which means you get the work of four Sister Wives from just one monogamous wife. Everyone wins.

NOTE TO THE 17 MANDATORY REPORTERS WHO READ THIS BLOG: I don't actually use meth. I like the concept of meth without the actual addiction and the hair falling out and the teeth rotting, because meth addicts seem to get SO DAMN MUCH done.

Last weekend, Current Husband took The Son to Iowa State for basketball camp. If you'll recall, I stalked Head Coach Fred Hoiberg a few weeks back, and got dimed out by my local newspaper when they printed a picture on the front of the Sports section of me talking to Fred at a casino when I was supposed to be at work, and my boss put the paper on my desk the next morning and said something to the effect of "Have a nice time at the casino yesterday, Julie?" When The Son saw Coach Hoiberg at camp, he said, "My mom was in a sorority with your wife!" and The Mayor said, "Oh, you must be [Insert Name Here]! Tell your mother to quit harrassing me."

Honestly, this would freak some kids out, but not mine. They usually just smile and say, "Okay, I'll tell her" and they understand that this is yet another person who has a restraining order out against their mom.  I should note here that The Son has replaced a picture of his mother with a picture of Coach Hoiberg, and should The Mayor ever decide to overthrow the government, The Son will be his willing minion. 

CH and The Son were gone for two days. CH tries very hard not to leave home without me, because as soon as he pulls out of the driveway, he knows all hell breaks loose. In the days leading up to his departure, I walk around the house and quietly plot my strategy for what major home improvements I've been meaning to make but can't because he's around to stop me. I stockpile supplies in various hidey-holes around the house, and get extra sleep. As soon as he leaves, I am overcome with giddy joy as I break out the paint cans and power tools. Last weekend was no exception.

I started the day by putting in a new flower bed on the East side of the house. Before, it was a bunch of hard packed dirt and a few scraggly weeds, but I bought brick edgers and four bags of mulch, an azalea bush and six perennial plans and went crazy. At about 1 p.m., I broke open a bottle of ice-cold Pinot Grigio, because I was hot, and it was delicious. When the flower bed was installed, I moved the crazy train inside.

We finished our basement over the winter, and I will tell you that it went from being a sexual deviant cellar (we found a pornography letter written in the late 1950's in the ceiling - and let me tell you, it was hardcore) to this lovely, kick-ass family space. There is a full bath down there that we put in, but it stalled a few months ago, and it needed to get finished, so on Sunday and Monday I painted the walls and trim, tiled and grouted the shower, and put in a towel hook thingy and the toilet paper holder and that sort of thing.

Youngest Daughter had a friend over for a sleepover, and at 11 p.m. as the girls were putting in Grease to watch while they went to sleep, her little friend looked at me in the bathroom and said, "Do you ever sleep?" Then YD came into the bathroom and saw my empty bottle of pinot and said, "Mom, did you drink that whole bottle of wine?" I looked at the empty bottle, and immediately lied. "No, of course not. It was in the downstairs fridge already open." But in my mind I was like, "Holy shit, I did polish off an entire bottle of wine. Do I have some kind of problem?" After doing the math, I realized I drank a bottle of wine over 10 hours, so it's not like I was all crockered up, but still. I will say, however, that it was delicious, and paired with the sounds of The Black Keys made grouting over my head much more tolerable.

Tune in tomorrow for Part 2 of Meth Sister Wives, where I build and install a 10 foot window box before CH gets home.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Burned By The Son

Yesterday, my sweet little sunshiney blonde baby turned into a teenager.


Oh dear. I could get a little verklempt.

While I wouldn't be happy about any NEW babies (see "Essure procedure"), I would so love to have each of my kids as a six-month-old or a one-year-old for ONE DAY, 8 a.m. until 8 p.m. Just to hold them close and smell their skin and put my face in their hair and touch their chubby little fingers and toes and cheeks. Oh, the cheeks. Listen to their sweet little sounds and rock them in a chair. Oy. What is it about birthdays that does this? When I'm 63, will I be writing, "Oh, how I wish I could have them back as teenagers so I could be confused about whether or not they are mad at me or just generally angry and to try to keep them informed about good hygeine and manners and give them money and drive them places..." Teens hug, but in the words of The Bloggess, sometimes "A hug is just a strangle you haven't finished yet." You get pretty good at figuring out which is which.

The Son? Was a cuddler. Oh, how that boy cuddled, and still will. He was a good sleeper, God bless him, and he still is. He always wanted to help, and still does. Now that I have TWO teenagers, I'm starting to hear the tick-tock of when I won't have them in my house anymore. Some days, that isn't such a bad thought, but most days, it's distressing. They are all really fun kids, dammit! Just stay and play! But learn to do your own laundry.

Yesterday, I was getting ready to leave for work at 7 a.m., and The Son was out of bed because he was "pretty excited about being 13 and couldn't sleep anymore." I told him Happy Birthday and he gave me a big hug, and I started chanting, "Who's so old? Who's so old? Who's so old?" and he said, "YOU!"   Damn. That burns! Oldest Daughter would've left it at that, but The Son wants his mother to be happy, so he said, "Just kidding Mom! You are young and beautiful and awesome!" Which is how I've trained them all to address me.

I took a half day off work and took the kids to the pool with friends, where I read a book written by the instructor at my Iowa Summer Writing Workshop, "Like Normal People" by Karen Bender. I honestly didn't expect to like it so much, it didn't really seem like my thing, but I try to read the work of my instructors so I am able to suck up and be in prime stalking position if it becomes a necessity. This book is surprising me. It's beautifully written, I could only hope to craft such rich descriptions and dialogue. I got so wrapped up in the book that I ended up in the sun for three hours and fried myself to a crisp. Damn.  That burns.  Someone at work this morning said, "Either you are really, really mad today or you have a sunburn" and I replied, "Piss off before I punch you in the face." (Just kidding. I used the F word.)

After the pool, our family took The Son to Buffalo Wild Wings, where you get a side of testosterone with everything you order. This seems to be the fave go-to place for all boys, ages 12-43. We sat outside on the patio, the only group out there, and had a great time. We went home and he opened his gifts, and loved all of them. We ate cake. It was one of those days you need to have every once in a while, as a shining city on a hill, to remember and hold when the kids are fighting amongst themselves, forgotten to give you an important message, and have eaten the last ice cream sandwich.

Before I sign off, one more quick thing - on the Facebook ADITW page, I posted "The Son is 13 and a year closer to some skank taking him away from me". Of course I kid, but I want to defend myself against any charges of future DIL cruelty. My point would be that whomever MY children marry, men or women, will probably need to be able to joke around with our tribe to make the marriage cut in the first place. Not because of me. Because of who my KIDS are; I get that their marriages aren't about me, nor would I ever want to interfere in that relationship. Oldest Daughter's Current Boyfriend is a great kid, and able to toe the line of being respectful and caring, and yet being wickedly funny, which we all love. He gets us. He fits. (Except that he exercises and eats healthy, but we're working on that.)

I can see a Thanksgiving in the future, when I'm drinking wine and tricking my daughter-in-law into making most of the meal, and I'll make an inappropriate comment about her stuffing the turkey, and she'll look at me lovingly and say, "Quit being a skank. I'm cooking here."  I will walk over to her, lovingly stroke her face, smile proudly, and say, "That'll do, Pig. That'll do." And then I shall refill her glass and spoil her children. And be thankful.

Monday, June 4, 2012

CH-CH-CH-CH-Changes.

Hello all! Hope your June has started off well and you are groovin' to your summer playlists. I have personally been listening to my Black Keys playlist quite a bit, and one I call Kickin' Chicks that has Paramore and Florence and the Machine and the Ting Tings on it.  Good gardening music, but I get caught shaking my moneymaker while planting and Oldest Daughter gets upset.  "Keep it in the back yard!" she stage whispers out of the windows.

I'm a big ideas girl, but can occasionally be a little low on action.  I've been meaning to write a book since 1999, but I've been having a problem stopping partying like it's 1999 and party time cuts into book time.  But now?  I've got a lion in my pocket, and baby he's ready to roar.  See?



SO.  If I go public with my commitment, it means that I will be shamed if I don't fulfill it, no?  Here are the ch-ch-ch-ch-changes coming around Wiferville this summer:

1.  I'm moving my blog to Wordpress by next weekend.  I'll make an announcement on Facebook and here when I'm ready to roll, and this page will be here but it will direct people to go to http://www.adayinthewife.com/, minus the "blogspot" in the name, and it will now carry you to the Word Press site.  I'm told Word Press is easier to use and easier to leave comments, so now all of you who e-mail and tell me you can't comment because Blogger is an asshole can party with the tribe.  Like it's 1999.

2.  I'm getting in my Little Red Corvette, and taking two classes at the Iowa Summer Writing Festival, held at the U of Iowa at their Writer's Workshop facilities.  I've taken classes off and on there over the past 5 years, and it's very motivational and gets you in your writer head.  Hopefully I use the time to write and not to drink with the other well-intentioned writers there.

3.  I'm having a Todd "Hot Nuts" Epstein Squirrel Blog-Up Party in Minneapolis, possibly the weekend before the 4th of July.  Getting deets together.  I will be making Todd t-shirts to pre-order.  I'm not sure how this factors into me writing a book, but I tell Current Husband that the dead squirrel is a marketing tool, so I need to occasionally trot him out so Todd doesn't end up in a garage sale against my will.  Alongside a Raspberry Beret.  The kind you find in a secondhand store. (Did you realize the actress Kristin Thomas is the girl in that video?)

4.  I'm going to ACTUALLY WRITE.  It's weird, but most publishers don't really let you call yourself an author until you have authored.  What a bunch of dicks they are.  They are what it sounds like, When Doves Cry.

SO.  I've said it.  OUT LOUD. (Hey Twi-hards, did you read that and hear Robert Pattinson saying it in your head?  Only 5 months until BD2!)  Now it's time to come through.  I guess as long as I'm shaming myself, I'll throw in another:

5.  Lose 10 pounds through exercise and diet and not through Benadyl and Merlot.

If any of you would like to Declare Yourselves and make some goals, I will have a Comment Coming Out Party when the Word Press blog is launched, and let's make a Summer of Success Partner Commitment Coming Out Party!  Yeah, that's right. 

I'm going to marry all of you.
It's legal in Iowa.

Friday, June 1, 2012

It's Whoreticulture Friday!
Issue 81

Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygiene mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word "culture". Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology. Whoreticulture Friday is not for children. Or squeamish people. Or Mother-In-Laws. Or people I work with. Or anyone who lives within 10 miles of me. Or parents of my children's friends. Or people going to estate sales.



Today's topic: Krazy Boob




I try to have a Zen attitude about most things in life. Really, I do.


The problem is that I inherited my Dad's ability to be overly high strung about things, and there are times when I'm not mad, but people think I'm mad because I'm focused on getting something done and not screwing it up, because BELIEVE ME, I have great ability to screw things up.  I spend most days trying to anticipate which priceless piece of Wedgewood china I'm juggling is going to hit the ground and shatter.


When I get uptight, I try to think, "Hey, I'm not a victim of genital mutilation in Rwanda.  I don't have leprosy.  My children are not in prison at this time.  I remember my name and address.  I currently have my original teeth.  Wine and coffee have not yet been restricted from my diet."  This is my mental version of 'count your blessings' - things could always be worse, no?  That said, this week has been a little bit WTF.




My extremely awesome neighbor bought these for me. 
She also buys Gruet and invites me over.  I heart her.


First, it was the flags.  After that whole debacle, I drove to the high school on Wednesday over my half hour lunch to get the van with 87 freshly dried flags and take them back to the Optimists.  I pulled into the lot, and ....ohdearGod....the van was gone.  As I walked to the school office, I wondered about liability if the school cargo van was stolen on my watch.  It turns out the maintenance people at the school had another set of keys, and they moved it - WHEW - so I got in and drove it across town.  In my Jambu wedge shoes and prairie mini-dress.  I felt a little badass, I'm not gonna lie.

Second, I tore my boob.  On Wednesday, I got ready for work and noticed a little pain in Rightie, but didn't think much of it.  While talking to a co-worker, I noticed it hurt again, so when I got back to my desk, I stuck my hand down the front of said prairie dress and adjusted my cup, much like an MLB baseball player. (It should be noted here that I didn't spit.)  Suddenly, I'm convulsing in pain, because it turns out that Rightie had some fluid come out that hardened like Krazy Glue.  Remember the Krazy Glue commercial with the guy in the hardhat glued to the beam?




Well, the yellow hard hat is my boob and the beam is my bra.  And I sort of accidentally ripped it off.  So then there was bleeding.  And Band-Aids.  And I had a little secret in my bra all day while I walked around the office.  I know, male co-workers, that's pretty hot.  Bidding's over, CH won.


So I go to Book Club, my go-to panel of women on all life topics, and after we discussed 50 Shades of Grey and I found out that most of them have regular and spontaneous orgasms (What?  Broccoli is on sale?  OH GOOOODDDDD...) I brought up my boob, and they all stopped talking and two people said, "Call your doctor tomorrow."  And then everyone sort of awkwardly stood up and prepared to leave, and then whispered among themselves about who was going to start the casserole schedule for my family.  (I'm of course kidding, since I know some of you are reading this.  Remember, I'm an entertainer, not a historian.)


Instead of calling my doctor, I got on Web MD, which as anyone who does Web MD knows, it always drills down to cancer.  Of course, Web MD said, It's either Mastitis, OR, if you aren't nursing anyone, it's probably a rare cancer.  I still didn't call my doctor, I had a glass of pinot and then texted, FB'd and called my OB-GYN high school friend, Paige.  (I have been known to call her answering service semi-drunk and demand to know why she isn't at a party.  It's a miracle I haven't been blocked.)  Paige asked me questions only a doctor or someone who knew you before you got your period can, and we determined that I should see my doctor but it's probably just an infected duct.  But I'm still wearing a Band-Aid on my boob.  Now you know.  CH is one lucky bastard.


Third, my neighbor is having an Estate Sale starting today, and there is a strong possibility I'm going to hit someone with a shovel this weekend.  I love me a good estate sale, but some people like to see if they can actually drive their car through the estate sale, or pull up on lawns, or block driveways.  It's like someone is handing out free cigarettes in prison, or Justin Beiber is visiting middle school.  The crazy just oozes out of people.


BUT.  It's Friday.  I'm not a victim of genital mutilation in Rwanda.  I don't have leprosy.  My children are not in prison at this time.  I remember my name and address.  I currently have my original teeth.  Wine and coffee have not yet been restricted from my diet.  So honestly, it's all good.


Happy Whoreticulture Friday, and have a great weekend!

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Stick a Flag In It

I'm about to tell someone to stick a flag in it.


I'm the orchestra rep for the Fine Arts Boosters at Oldest Daughter's high school.  Besides the obvious bad choice to represent ANYTHING that has the word "fine" in it (other than Fine Cut Cocaine, Fine Piece of Ass, or Library Fine) the fine people on Fine Arts Boosters have obviously not heard from our elementary school how disorganized I am and moved ahead with their choice anyway.


(NOTE to the 17 Mandatory Reporters who read this blog - I do not, nor have I ever done, cocaine.  I did drink Diet Coke addictively, but quit two months ago. I once had a fine ass, and I have been slapped with library fines, but I don't believe that was since my Nancy Drew days in the 70's.)


As part of the requirement of being a rep on Fine Arts Boosters, one has to be in charge of putting flags up around the Quad Cities for the local Optimist's Club.  I did the flags on Veteran's Day last fall, so I thought, "How hard can it be?"  But I wasn't in charge last fall, I was just a regular volunteer.  If I am in your volunteer/non-profit/service organization, for the love of GOD, do not let me be in charge.  I am a big idea person, not an organization person.  I'm the "let's get a 9 foot Christmas tree!" with 8 foot ceilings and a VW Jetta for transport on December 22.

Somehow I did manage to get volunteers to help.  I did get the Activites Director to give me the keys to the high school cargo van on Friday.  I did contact the Optimist Club guy in charge of flags ahead of time.  I did NOT mapquest the address, and realized that on Sunday evening as Current Husband was driving the cargo van to get 87 flags and said, "Where do I turn?"

Um.  Wherever Tremont crosses 53rd Avenue?  And then to some storage unit north of that?  But step on it, cabby, we need to be there in 10 minutes.

CH looked at me adoringly, and said, "WTF, Julie, you didn't get the address?"  I got the particular storage UNIT, I just didn't get the street address or general vicinity in the Quad Cities, with a metro population of over 300,000.  How far could it be?

After a few panicky phone calls, I located the storage unit.  We got our 87 flags loaded and were given vague instructions and some maps.  We left, parked the van, and went home until the alarm went off at 5 a.m. on Monday, when I hit snooze and groaned, "WHY!?!? One of my precious days off work, WHY DID I VOLUNTEER TO DO THIS!?!"  We woke up entire family and drove to parking lot to act cheerful and enthusiastic when other volunteers showed up.  One bitched at me because I didn't make more than 2 copies of the maps, and said that he would've had everyone at the school at 5 to leave at 5:30.  I smiled and said, "Next time you are SO in charge of this, I will happily be your minion!"  I don't offer up minionship lightly, but what the hell?  You get what you pay for, dude.  Isn't this about being an AMERICAN?

We gave everyone a sugar donut and some methamphetamene and left.  It's actually a little bit fun to be out at dawn, sneaking into people's yards, and instead of rolls of unspooled toilet paper, we're leaving flags.  Surprise!  You're patriotic!  They paid for it, so not that surprising, but I like to tell myself it's a random act of flagging.  And really, the American flag is pretty kick-ass, and it's awesome to see them lined up along the streets.  It felt like a good deed.  God Bless America, indeed.
 Oldest Daughter, patriotically vadalizing people.

Then, at 6 p.m., just before we were set to go back out and collect the flags, the sirens went off for a thunderstorm warning.  Shit on a Wheat Thin.  The rules on this were not specific.  If it is raining, do we collect flags?  I saw lightening - technically, I think we are liable if someone is tragically electrocuted while volunteering for me.  Call off the volunteers!

Wait.  Thunderstorm has passed over.  Warning has been lifted, it was only rain.  Call back the volunteers!  We head out on the town, and collect the flags, even though they are a little wet.  Damp, really.  And they're made of nylon, how bad can it be?  Well, bad enough that after an hour of picking up and rolling flags, the Optimists reject us at the Home Base storage unit.  REJECTED!  A real Optimist would think, "I'm sure these flags will dry!" We had to drive the school cargo van with our 87 damp flags back to the school.

For those playing along at home: 
87 damp flags don't dry in a closed van over 24 hours.

I called Rod the Optimist.  He made it VERY clear on the phone that if the flags are not 100% dry, they will not take them back.  Well THAT'S not very optimistic.  I said, "Okay, thanks!" politely on the phone, hung up, and thought, "Where the fuck do you think I'm going to unfurl 87 flags to dry, ROD?  I have a job!  Memorial Day is OVER!  The school wants their cargo van back!"

CH and I drove to the school and checked the flags at 5 p.m. tonight.  Nope.  Not dry.  This is where things really went south, because CH and I were on different paths here.  I was on my normal, passive aggressive "we are in charge, so we have to get the flags dry, I don't like it either" and CH was all "Optimists run the program, this is their problem, they should be clearer on their take-down instructions in bad weather."  We explain our differing positions in tense, adult voices.  We stare at each other in silence.  I open the cargo van and start taking flags out to line up along the high school tennis court fences.  CH stares at me and starts muttering about how this is so much bullshit, his volunteer shift ended 24 hours earlier.  I respond in an intelligent and mature way - I cry.  I'm not a big crier, so CH was kind of stunned.  He's not exactly sure what to do with me in that state, so he got very quiet and helped.  I should definitely cry more often.


The Son, as our family unfurled, dried, and re-furled 87 flags tonight.
Because who likes personal time?  Not us!

I'm now taking some personal time off work at lunch tomorrow so I can return the flags to the Optimists, and return the school cargo van before they call the police.  But the next time someone wants me to volunteer this summer?

They can stick a flag in it.

DISCLAIMER:  This blog in no way demeans the American flag or the raising or care of said flag.  This blog does not condone the use of cocaine or methamphetamine, or crying as an act of manipulation.  This blog does not encourage anyone to TP yards or steal the high school cargo van.  This blog does not imply that drinking an extremely large margarita on the rocks with salt is an appropriate way to end a school volunteer event, nor to start the next morning.  This blog does not promote the use of expired milk, and lists 'fisting' as a soft limit.


Thursday, May 24, 2012

Sorry Jen, I'm Un-Stalking You

I MAY be stepping in a big steaming pile of poo with some hardcore fans to say this, but I've been thinking about it for a while, and I can't it hold back any longer.

I'm Un-Stalking Jen Lancaster.

There.  I said it.  I'm out of the closet.  This has been a difficult decision, one in the making for over a year. 

My college friend, known here as "Pat", turned me on to Jen about five years ago.  Pat is pretty cutting edge on her pop culture, and knows I appreciate edgy, cool stuff, so she sends tips my way.  She sent me an e-mail in late 2007 that said, "If you're not reading Jen Lancaster, you need to - you are like a version of her with kids."  I clicked on the link to Jennsylvania, and I was hugely flattered that she would say that at all.  I was hooked.  Jen was awesomely hilarious.  I immediately began stalking her, because OF COURSE we would be besties if we met in real life!


I read "Bitter Is The New Black".  Hi-larious.  I want to be a writer.  I can relate.
I read "Bright Lights, Big Ass."   Completely Awesome.  She's like Every Woman.
I read "Such a Pretty Fat."  Love, love, love.  Who likes to exercise?  I love food.
I read "Pretty in Plaid."  I crushed on Jake Ryan.  I got all the '80s references.  Funny stuff.
Then "My Fair Lazy" came along. Hmm.  Not so much.  Not bad, but not like the others.But I still loved Jen, because she was Jen.  I went with Pat to Chicago to Jen's book signing, where we got completely shit-faced drunk and I nearly passed out in Borders waiting for her, but had the besttimeeversomuchfun.  You can read here, but try to respect me in the morning.  It was fun!  Because we were hanging out with Jen!




Then came "If You Were Here".  The fiction book that wasn't fiction, it was more like "Jen and Fletch's crazy hijinks, under false names, with some exaggerations."  But it felt disingenuous.  I felt like she thought she was being smarter than her readers, and it wasn't really fiction, it was creative non-fiction.  I was distracted during the whole book thinking "Yeah yeah, the dog Daisy is Maisy and Tracey is Stacey and Maya is Jen, just own up to it already!"

But it was Jen, so it was okay.  Sort of.

Then her blog started turning ugly. 

I loved her blog, Jennsylvania.  It was funny and snarky and wonderful.  Jen has always done a great job of being funny while poking a little fun at herself.  She's always bitched a bit, but shown some compassion, or tried to understand the other side.  The whole point of Bitter was to show how she had been this materialistic bitch who got her comeuppance, and now she was a writer and happy without the crazy high maintenance life she had been leading.  In the last year, I feel like her blog has become this personal venting area where she can throw around her celebrity to bully companies into doing what she wants.  Some of the gripes she has are legit, but they all just feel so...so....BITCHY. 

She goes after commenters on her FB page personally and then outs them to her other 54,000 followers, who then go crazy on that person too so they can impress Jen.  Usually these individuals get called out because they've expressed an opinion, sort of like how Jen does, but the backlash on these people who are called out is horrible.  I can't believe the things people will post to total strangers, just because someone famous tells them to.  If for some crazy reason she finds this blog post, she'll probably announce on her FB page "If you don't like it JULIE, then stick it!  That's why I've blocked you!"   Look on her page right now, she did it to someone named Krista last week. And that is her right.  But it just smacks of meanness, and while I love me a little bit of bitchy and bitter, I'm not interested in being one of the Mean Girls.  I don't visit Jennsylvania much anymore.

It seems, dare I say it, like she's gone full circle back the Jen in the beginning of Bitter, who had it all and ordered her minions around without thinking about the reprecussions, because she was better than them.  I like the old Jen, who was funny and snarky and fun, and who invited us all in the good times with her.

Her new book, Jeneration X, is out.  In the past, I would have pre-ordered the hardcover copy on Amazon and waited to see where I could drink a chardonnay in her honor on the book tour.  The other day, I walked past the book in Barnes and Noble, paused, and then kept walking.  Maybe I'll buy the paperback.  Maybe not.

I'll miss you, Jen Lancaster!



Monday, May 21, 2012

Karma is a Bitch

I've been dealing with my restraining order ever since I stalked The Mayor, so things have been a little hectic on my end. I unplugged last weekend, and let me tell you, all of the people who say, "OMG, it was so good to get away from technology" obviously aren't using it right.  It SUCKED.  Hello, I didn't hear about Robin Gibb until today!  The Bloggess posted and I didn't even have a shot at Firsties.  #MyFaveSexPosition was trending on Twitter and I missed it.  Seriously, what did people DO before the Internet? 

When I was pregnant with my Oldest Daughter, I was all haughty with organic goodness, and said things like, "I'm going to have a natural labor", which clearly indicated I had never BEEN in labor.  My High School Friend Paige the OB, medical expert on other posts, told me "Jude, epidurals exist for a reason.  In this day and age there is no reason for women to birth babies like Ma Ingalls in a cabin with a pot of boiling water and a leather strap."  Or something to that extent.  I waited until Baby #3 to have an epidural, and I nearly wept with joy when it took hold.  I could've read a People magazine and had a pedicure while pushing.  I guess I'm telling you this as some kind of metaphor for going without Twitter or Facebook or blogs. 

ANYWHO, I'm checking in to say hi, and to tell you that I'm driving to Dubuque, Iowa tomorrow to ANOTHER casino hotel so I can take a website marketing seminar for my hooker job.  (Hookers are all about the internet these days.)  There is a chance I won't make it back, so I'm here to tell you all that I love you before I get my Venti Quad Skinny Vanilla Latte at 6:30 a.m. and head out the door.  You may be asking yourself, "Self, why is she so effing negative?  I don't read this blog for that shit."  Well, Wifers, I have a good reason.

I'm being haunted by the ghost
of Benny the Baby Duckling.


Not Actual Benny.  Because he is dead,
and therefore no longer photogenic.

So I'm driving to pick up some kids the other night, and I am taking the ramp onto the Interstate, and this bird is in the street, walking.  I'm all, "Get moving, Bird" and thinking it will fly soon, and then I'm bearing down on it, going "FLY DAMMIT FLY!" and then, too late, I realize it's an adorable little duckling.  I don't feel my tires go over it, but how could I?  It's so tiny and fluffy and trusting of the large one-ton metal cube seemingly coming to pet it.  I look in my rearview mirror, and there is a DUCK DOWN.

Honestly, I freaked out a little bit.  First because obviously, it's an adorable little duckling and all I can think about is it's mother in the ditch yelling, "BENNY, NOOOOOOO!", but really, what kind of mother lets her kid play on an exit ramp?  Second, I'm thinking about how when Current Husband and I bought a VW Jetta about 10 years ago, we were driving it home for the first time and I joked, "Wouldn't it be funny if we hit a deer right..."
and BAM! We hit the biggest raccoon I've ever seen in my life.  It was the size of a burro or a small bear, and it had a propellor hat and was eating a fudgesicle.  After that, the Check Engine light never went off in that car, for the entire time we owned it.  After the third trip to the VW dealership, the mechanic seriously said, "We've done all we can do.  I think you need a priest."

So now I have the ghost of Benny with me, and bad shit has gone down ever since.  About an hour later, I dropped my favorite Starbucks mug:



It slipped out of my hands in the house, and I watched in slow motion as it dropped and shattered all over my hardwood floor.

Then I got a sinus infection and found out that they don't treat those with Xanax or Vicodin or Kahlua, but instead with horse steroids that can't be taken with alcohol.

Then my favorite white t-shirt got a stain on it, and my favorite brown capris got a big grease stain right on the butt.  Don't ask me how.  Really.  Don't.

Then my company announced they were switching servers and I couldn't take my laptop home for the weekend, and I swallowed a large bug.

Et tu, Benny?

Have a good day, Wifers, and for God's sake, watch out for the ducklings!  I'm a killer! 

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Messing With The Mayor

Yesterday, I completely messed with Iowa State Head Basketball Coach Fred Hoiberg's head. Honestly, I feel a little bad about it, because he's a good guy, but I still laughed about it as I drove away from the casino hotel where we met.


If you are, or have ever been, an Iowa State fan, you know The Mayor.  He's the epitome of what Iowa State sports is all about - grace, class, hard work, smarts, and a sense of humor.  Pretty much every Iowa State fan is in love with him, but not in a 50 Shades kind of way.  (Well, maybe some of them, but not I.  After all, I have Current Husband.)


I was a Chi Omega with Fred's wife at Iowa State in the late 80's and early 90's, back when I could hold my liquor and only had one chin.  I don't KNOW Carol that well, because she was two years younger than I in school and I was just as self-absorbed then as I am now, but I know her well enough that if I saw her I would give her a hug and think about how gorgeous she is but then be mad about it because I can't get all jealous mad because she happens to be a really NICE person too.  Damn you gorgeous people who are also good people...you make it impossible to begrudge your happiness and good fortune.  Seriously.  Throw us a bone.  Kick a puppy or something.


So yesterday I find out that Iowa State is doing a Tailgate Tour where the coaches show up and you can meet and greet.  I signed The Son up for one of Fred's basketball camps at ISU in June for his birthday, and it's a surprise, so I thought, "COOL!  I can get Fred to autograph something for him, and that's how we tell The Son he is going to the camp!"  The problem is that I work, and the event was in the afternoon at the local casino.  You know, good wholesome fun for the family.


I sort of slip out the back door at work and peal out of the parking lot to the casino.  I walk in and Fred is being interviewed by the local news stations.  I wait my turn, and then I pounce on him.  I walk up, shake his hand, say my name and say I know Carol.  Fred, who is ever the gentleman, says something polite, and I say, "Where is your hot biscuit wife?  Doesn't she get to come on these things?"  He looks a little taken aback.  Hot biscuit?  That's kind of familiar.  I ask him to sign my card - the Iowa State people only brought football stuff, and come on, NOTHING basketball?  So I end up with a Cyclone TV promo postcard that I shove at Fred to sign.  He looks at me like "You want me to sign this promotional postcard for a TV network?"  Um, yes.  Because I came unprepared, and that's the kind of mother I am.  Deal.


As he's signing it, I say something about his brother's band in Omaha, the Southpaw Bluegrass Band, and how he should get me backstage passes.  I say this because I think it's a really funny concept that people probably try to use Steve to get to his more famous brother Fred, so I thought it would be hilarious that I'm trying to press the ISU head basketball coach for tickets to his brother's bluegrass band in Omaha.  For the record, I am the only person out of the two of us who thought that was funny.




Like them on Facebook!  I'm going to try to
catch a show this summer when I'm home.


Then I ask Fred to say Happy Birthday to my son on the card.  He graciously agrees, thinking, "Who the hell is this person?"  I say, "Isn't your son's 13th birthday soon?"  He looks at me cautiously and says "Yes", and I go for broke and say, "Your daughter is a couple of months younger than (OD), and your son and my son (same name) were born close together, but I stopped at twins".  Fred Hoiberg blinks, and smiles.  He is clearly thinking, "Either this woman is a total stalker and I need to call security, or she's my cousin and my mom is going to call me tonight and chastise me for not knowing her.  Shit.  I hate these tailgate tours."


He had a line of people and media waiting, so I left to speed back to work and hope I wasn't missed.  I called CH and told him how I unintentionally messed with The Mayor's head.  I'm sure everyone acts like they know Fred, because they see him on TV, and I've only met him maybe twice in my life when he was either a senior in high school or a freshman in college, so there is no way he would know me.  But in my babble, I dropped enough info that I should have just gone all the way and said, "You really need to cut back on the Lipitor, I found another empty bottle in your trash last week."


This morning, the owner of my company walked in to my office, said "Do a little gambling yesterday afternoon, Julie?" and put THIS on my desk:



Photo courtesy of the Quad-City Times.


I was on the front page of the Sports Section today.  A BIG picture.  A place I truly never thought I would be in my life.  Life section?  Sure.  Police report?  Maybe.  Sports?  Um, no.  Perhaps now my job will be in the Employment section.


So there I am, in all my stalker glory, on the front page of the paper, playing hookie from work on my "secret" mission to get an autograph for The Son.  I got texts all day long about this.  And my son's friends told him all about it at school.  "Um, Mom?  Did you go see Fred Hoiberg without me?"  No.  I was at McDonalds getting a McFlurry.  Doesn't that dude look JUST LIKE Fred?  Weird.


I'm sorry, Mr. Mayor.  I have issues.  Your wife already knows that.  Go Cyclones!

Monday, May 14, 2012

CH, You Were Right

You were right, Current Husband.

Did you see that? Savor it, because it's not going to happen again.

I'm sure you're all saying to yourselves, "Self, did she say CH was right?  Because I just don't see how that's possible."

Well, BELIEVE ME, I understand your confusion.  How did this happen?  How did I sink so far?  Let's get in the Way Back Machine to yesterday, when it was MOTHER'S DAY, and therefore all about me.  I was doing a little Hitler-esque directing of gardening activities, because it was my day and I could make everyone tap dance to Candyman while wearing bear costumes if I damn well pleased, but I didn't.  I made the children rip out five errant thorn bushes in the front yard, because as much as they whined and pleaded, what child doesn't secretly love shoveling out thorn bushes?  Right?  Schnell, schnell!  Diggest sie bushes, mein Leibchen!

It was a little sunny out, and I was sweating right through my tank top and ripped up short jean shorts from college (Your shorts, Denato, the ones that got you kicked out of that bar in Florida), and I decided to leave the minions and shop for flowers at Home Depot for the children to plant.  While there, I did a naughty and bought one ice-cold Diet Coke.


Poison!  It's poison, I tell you! 
Beautiful, delicious poison.

So I drink a little - only my second sip in SIX EFFING WEEKS - and CH rides my ass about it when I get home.

CH:  "You didn't."
ME:  "I did."
CH:  "You were so good!  Don't do it!"
ME:  "Oh quit being such a ninny!  I used to drink two cans a day, one little sip won't hurt me."
CH:  "Yes it will."

ME:  "It's Mother's Day, and I'll drink it if I want to drink it."
CH:  "You're going to hate yourself."
ME:  "I don't have a problem, I can quit whenever I want."

And I took a big drink just to show him I could.  He shook his head sadly and walked away.  I was fine.  I conquered this.  I can have a little bit, but I'm not a slave to Diet Coke.  Diet Coke doesn't own me, I own IT!

Until today.  When I started having the terrible gas and the digestive turbulence again.  But CH didn't need to know about that.  Until we were in the dining room and one of the kids walked by and said, "EWW, who smells?  Is that you, George?"


"Own up, bitch, I'm not taking the heat for your stank."


Grr.  "Yes, it's George."   CH looked up from his computer with a smug look on his face.  "I told you," he said softly.  But not so softly that I couldn't hear it.  Or that he wouldn't pay.

Not much later, while he was laughing at innapropriate things on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, I had a bad moment in the bathroom.  It happened as I was starting Sarah Silverman's book, "The Bedwetter".



Oddly enough, I was reading the foreword, where she says that you are probably reading this book while pooping, but that she appreciates you sharing your most intimate and vulnerable moment with her, and that if you take the book one poop at a time, you'll get through it.

CH is in the bedroom, yelling, "I can smell that!  It's the Diet Coke, you know."  Mother.Effer.  Does he have to rub it in?  So I flush, but the memory of my moment is still there.  So I take a notecard and write "I love you" and tape it to the seat.  But then he goes in and doesn't see the notecard, and sits on it, and then it falls into the toilet. 

"JULIE!  DID YOU PUT A NOTE IN HERE?!?"

"Um, no.  George must've done it."


"Seriously?  Must I get blamed for everything? 
There'd better be a treat in this for me."

The joke was on me, as I had to use two bobby pins to fish it out (which I did throw away, Mandatory Reporters).  I'm glad we could share this moment together, Wifers.  It's like you were with me the whole time.  I blame the Coca-Cola company.  Their poisonous chemicals make me so crazy that I overshare.

I hate it that he was right.  Mondays.


Sunday, May 13, 2012

Happy Mother's Day, Wifers!

I'm one of those people who never really thought much about having kids.  I didn't particularly enjoy babysitting, nor was I that great at it (but I did like babysitting you, Jason and Little Julie!) and I didn't really aspire to be a mother at any point until I was pregnant with Oldest Daughter.  Honestly, that was kind of an oops after a night of drunken ribaldry with Current Husband, just before our first anniversary, but I sort of rolled with the punches.  And then she was born, and DAMN.  She was pretty cute.  And I loved holding her and taking pictures of her, and I GOT it.  I went on to be a mother of three, plus a sweet baby we would've called Adelaide that I miscarried, and even though I don't know how GOOD I am at it, I really get a kick out of my kids.  They are smart and funny and interesting people, sometimes in spite of me, and I am so incredibly blessed every day to have them in my life.  Even when I'm yelling at them for being late or not telling me about an event at school or not doing their homework, I still know.


My people.  First two rows. 
Always a fun ride.

Today was just awesome - I slept in shamefully late, and got gifts from my peeps:  A fleece sock monkey blanket from OD that she made herself, a free and complete cleaning of my office from The Son (which I desperately needed), and a metal Bloggess-like rooster from Youngest Daughter, and a Starbucks gift card from CH.  Best gifts ever.  CH took us all out for breakfast.  We came home and they helped clean the house for an hour, and then they let me direct all of them in gardening and yard work and fetched a few Blue Moons for me.  Our neighbors had us over for an awesomely delicious and fun meal, and then, there was pie.

Absolute bliss.

Who knew when I was 23 that this would be the type of perfect day I would crave, but so it is.

Happy Mother's Day, I hope your day was fantastic, whether you are a mother or you just have a great one!