Sorry Jen, I'm Un-Stalking You

I MAY be stepping in a big steaming pile of poo with some hardcore fans to say this, but I've been thinking about it for a while, and I can't it hold back any longer.

I'm Un-Stalking Jen Lancaster.

There.  I said it.  I'm out of the closet.  This has been a difficult decision, one in the making for over a year. 

My college friend, known here as "Pat", turned me on to Jen about five years ago.  Pat is pretty cutting edge on her pop culture, and knows I appreciate edgy, cool stuff, so she sends tips my way.  She sent me an e-mail in late 2007 that said, "If you're not reading Jen Lancaster, you need to - you are like a version of her with kids."  I clicked on the link to Jennsylvania, and I was hugely flattered that she would say that at all.  I was hooked.  Jen was awesomely hilarious.  I immediately began stalking her, because OF COURSE we would be besties if we met in real life!

I read "Bitter Is The New Black".  Hi-larious.  I want to be a writer.  I can relate.
I read "Bright Lights, Big Ass."   Completely Awesome.  She's like Every Woman.
I read "Such a Pretty Fat."  Love, love, love.  Who likes to exercise?  I love food.
I read "Pretty in Plaid."  I crushed on Jake Ryan.  I got all the '80s references.  Funny stuff.
Then "My Fair Lazy" came along. Hmm.  Not so much.  Not bad, but not like the others.But I still loved Jen, because she was Jen.  I went with Pat to Chicago to Jen's book signing, where we got completely shit-faced drunk and I nearly passed out in Borders waiting for her, but had the besttimeeversomuchfun.  You can read here, but try to respect me in the morning.  It was fun!  Because we were hanging out with Jen!




Then came "If You Were Here".  The fiction book that wasn't fiction, it was more like "Jen and Fletch's crazy hijinks, under false names, with some exaggerations."  But it felt disingenuous.  I felt like she thought she was being smarter than her readers, and it wasn't really fiction, it was creative non-fiction.  I was distracted during the whole book thinking "Yeah yeah, the dog Daisy is Maisy and Tracey is Stacey and Maya is Jen, just own up to it already!"

But it was Jen, so it was okay.  Sort of.

Then her blog started turning ugly. 

I loved her blog, Jennsylvania.  It was funny and snarky and wonderful.  Jen has always done a great job of being funny while poking a little fun at herself.  She's always bitched a bit, but shown some compassion, or tried to understand the other side.  The whole point of Bitter was to show how she had been this materialistic bitch who got her comeuppance, and now she was a writer and happy without the crazy high maintenance life she had been leading.  In the last year, I feel like her blog has become this personal venting area where she can throw around her celebrity to bully companies into doing what she wants.  Some of the gripes she has are legit, but they all just feel so...so....BITCHY. 

She goes after commenters on her FB page personally and then outs them to her other 54,000 followers, who then go crazy on that person too so they can impress Jen.  Usually these individuals get called out because they've expressed an opinion, sort of like how Jen does, but the backlash on these people who are called out is horrible.  I can't believe the things people will post to total strangers, just because someone famous tells them to.  If for some crazy reason she finds this blog post, she'll probably announce on her FB page "If you don't like it JULIE, then stick it!  That's why I've blocked you!"   Look on her page right now, she did it to someone named Krista last week. And that is her right.  But it just smacks of meanness, and while I love me a little bit of bitchy and bitter, I'm not interested in being one of the Mean Girls.  I don't visit Jennsylvania much anymore.

It seems, dare I say it, like she's gone full circle back the Jen in the beginning of Bitter, who had it all and ordered her minions around without thinking about the reprecussions, because she was better than them.  I like the old Jen, who was funny and snarky and fun, and who invited us all in the good times with her.

Her new book, Jeneration X, is out.  In the past, I would have pre-ordered the hardcover copy on Amazon and waited to see where I could drink a chardonnay in her honor on the book tour.  The other day, I walked past the book in Barnes and Noble, paused, and then kept walking.  Maybe I'll buy the paperback.  Maybe not.

I'll miss you, Jen Lancaster!

Monday, Monday

I really need to stop sleeping in over the weekend, because then Monday comes and I am so...effing...tired, and all the coffee Juan Valdez can pack over to me on his mule cannot keep me awake.  All day I dream of napping, and it's crazy hectic at work, and then I get home and it's make dinner get OD to her cello lesson take The Son to return the shoes he doesn't like go to the grocery store get everyone showered/homeworked/tucked and pluck George The Superpet's ear hair (yes, I do that) and then one would think I would be ready for bed and SURPRISE!  I'm wide awake.  Sure to be dead ass tired again tomorrow.

I did start this book last night, which is terrific so far:

It's a dog book, so I'm sucked in.  I read these books and I get engrossed, but there's also this voice in the back of my head that says, "You need to write your book" and I say "I don't have time right now" and the voice pesters me until I start yelling at it, "Do you have any idea how fucking hard it is to write a book!?!  And one that is actually good and has a story and proper English that people will read that doesn't have sparkly vampires in it because that is so 2010?!"

I love a good book.  I have been reading since I was four, and I love nothing better in life than losing myself in a book, where I am so obsessed with it that I can't put it down, and when I'm forced to put it down I can't stop thinking about when I can pick it back up again.  I will take a good book, and I mean a REALLY good book that is one of the obsession books, over sex, coffee, wine, pasta and tiramisu.  THAT is how much I love books. 

There are loads of books I've been this obsessive with in my life, but ones that pop into my mind immediately are - Jane Austen books (except for Northanger Abbey, which was okay but I could put it down and live), Cowboys Are My Weakness by Pam Houston, The Good People of New York and Out of the Girls Room and Into the Night by Thisbe Nissen, Cooked Little Heart and Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott, Devil in the White City by Eric Larson, It Happens Every Day by Isabel Gillies, the entire Twilight series, the entire Harry Potter series, Prep by Curtis Sittenfeld, Room by Emma Donoghue, all Jen Lancaster books, the Hunger Games series, and the Dragon Tattoo series by Stieg Larsson.  As a kid, it was Laura Ingalls Wilder, Nancy Drew, The Secret Garden, A Little Princess, The Trumpeter Swan, anything by Judy Blume and of course The Flowers in The Attic series.  Ish.

On deck right now I have A Tale of Two Cities, Portrait of a Lady, Bleachy-Haired Honky Bitch by Hollis Gillespie, It Looked Different on the Model by Laurie Notaro, and am awaiting Stacey Ballis's new book whenever it may come because I did love Good Enough to Eat.  And David Sedaris's Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk.  And With a Little Luck by Caprice Crane.

(I have to stop writing this because I have spent the last 20 minutes going back and adding another book I love to the "obsessed with" list.  Because I'm obsessed.)

But with a Pesky Full Time Job, my work severely cuts into my reading time, and then the Mothering takes over the non-paid-work time, so I find myself reading until all hours of the night and then waking up vowing never to do it again and covering the perpetually deep shadows under my eyes with foundation.  Open Memo to People at Work: I'm not being beaten, I'm reading.

What exactly is my point here?

That I write every single day, and have been writing pretty steadily for 15 years, and I can tell you firsthand that it is DAMN HARD to write a book.  Try it, I dare you.  I'm about 2/3 of the way through my first novel, which is about 60,000 words (the average blog post is about 600-900 words), and I haven't TOUCHED the novel in over a year.  I know how it's going to end.  I just haven't written it down.  And then when you start writing it, it changes.  The book actually takes your thoughts and says, "Bullshit, that would never happen.  THIS is what that character REALLY wants to do!"  I have another book rolling around in my head, and a collection of short stories too.  But guess what?  No publisher is going to pay me to tell them all about the stories and not write them down.  It's that tricky technicality of calling oneself a writer...you actually have to WRITE.

Every week, I say, "once we get through the school year I'll make time to write", then "once we get through the summer, I'll make time to write" and "Once school starts again, I'll make time to write" and now it's "once I finish this freelance project for CH..." and "once we finish the basement..."  One of these days I might actually do it, but honestly people, I'm 42 and I start worrying that I'm never going to purge these words.  It's like John Lennon said, "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans."

Every time I hear the song, "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield, which I'm pretty sure she wrote specifically for me, I think Get Your Ass In Gear, Girl!  Do you have a lifelong ambition that is unmet?  Do you have something you are just dying to do and just don't do it?  What is holding you back?  Am I alone in thinking my epitaph is going to be "Unfulfilled potential?"  Lay it on me, Wifers, if Blogger will let you comment.  What is on your mind?  If you can't comment here, go to the FB page and do it there.  I want to know!

It's the Happy Bloggyversary Giveaway Post!

Happy Bloggyversary, Wifers!

It all started a year ago on September 1...A Day in the Wife was born on Blogger! 

My first post was the beginning of my Blogger life, so I decided to commemorate the great poet of our time, the one in spangly tops and tight lycra pants, the one who told the tale of immigrants on the boats and on the planes, comin' to America...the one, the only, Neil Diamond.    Neil was with me when no one was...from 0 followers, when no one Brought Me Flowers, up to 202 one year later, when you turned on your Heart Light.  Hello again, Hello, Wifers.  Because do I have a deal for you!

Introducing the Happy Bloggyversary Giveaway!

"Oooh, oooh, what can I win Julie?"

Well let me tell you what will be included 

in this ADITW commemorative prize package:

1. A copy of "Good Enough to Eat" 

by Stacey Ballis (have you pre-ordered your own copy yet?  

Only five days left...)  One of the best prizes, really.

2. A copy of "Bitter is the New Black" 

by Jen Lancaster so you can start 

your own stalking adventure!

Also an excellent prize.

3. "What happens tonight goes on Facebook tomorrow" napkins, 

regifted from a friend.  I think they are so funny 

that I can't bear to break them open, so they must be shared.

4. One pound of Starbucks coffee, from one junkie to another.  

 I personally recommend Komodo Dragon, but to each her own.

5. A "French Toast" bread press, 

cousin to the Holy Toast press featured on this blog

6. A framed photo of George the Superpet, 

complete with a creepy lock of fur.

7. A framed companion photo of Todd "Hot Nuts" Epstein.

8. A custom-made evil mural by Youngest Daughter.  She will cut you.

9.  A "mix-tape" (on CD) of songs featured on the blog, 

including songs by Ok Go, band of my 

adolescent music crush Damian Kulash.

10.  Inclusion on my 2010 Christmas card list, 

where I list our failures and disappointments for the year.

(Above is 2004 Christmas card pic)

11.  Anne Taintor postcard magnet.

12.  Assorted other items I may be trying to get rid of
 

13.  Things I might have stolen

"Julie the Wife, how do I get involved in this 

ridiculously bad giveaway?"  I'm glad you asked!

Here is how it works:

One grand prize winner will receive all of the above items.  One second place winner will also receive copies of the Stacey Ballis and Jen Lancaster books.  Both winners will be featured in a phony blog written about their cross-country adventure taken last summer in their convertible 2008 VW bug, or their slumber party with Alice and Rosalie and Bella, or their Christmas with Chuck Norris, or an equivalent story.  The contest is open from this very second until midnight on September 15, 2010 CST.  Prizes will be sent by September 30.

How do you play?

Every comment posted between now and September 15 on either the A Day In The Wife blog or on the ADITW Facebook page gives you one entry.  Get a new follower of ADITW on Facebook or the blog and have them comment that you sent them, and you will get three entries.  I will record the drawing of the names and post the video on You Tube, embedded on the blog, so you can see my surprise and joy at the names drawn.  My attorney will be present at the drawing so it seems legal and aboveboard, but we might be enjoying a glass of wine, which negates the legitimacy but creates a sense of occasion.  Only one comment per day will count toward the contest, but I always love to hear from you.

Beyond the contests and all of that sort of hullaballoo, let me take a moment to thank you all, dear readers, for this bloggy adventure.  It has been fun seeing your names pop up on the comments and gathering the flock.  You have weathered the best of posts and the worst of posts.  You have stumbled drunk with me to see Jen Lancaster and watched my daughter puke on my feet.  You have endured FORTY Whoreticulture Fridays.  It is these things and more that, in the immortal words of James Taylor, make me want to STOP.  And thank you, baby.  Happy Bloggyversary!  Thanks for reading!

Smooches and inappropriate innuendo to you all,

It's Whoreticulture Friday! Issue 39

Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygiene mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word "culture". Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology. Whoreticulture Friday is not for children. Or squeamish people. Or Mother-In-Laws. Or bosses.  Really, I wrote this at home.  I save trolling the Internet for porn for the workplace.

Today's topic: Me (because that's so different from other days.)

Conversation with Current Husband at 9:38 p.m. tonight

ME:  "I'm so tired.  I still feel groggy from my Tylenol PM last night."

CH:  "Go to bed."

ME:  "I shouldn't have used, but I was too wired from the Diet Coke and Dots in the movie."

CH:  "Go to bed."

ME:  "It's Thursday night.  I have to do Whoreticulture Friday yet."

CH:  "Uh, the world won't stop if you don't blog."

ME:  "Mom and her two co-workers will be disappointed."

CH:  "Your mom retired last week."

ME:  "Well then I'm down to one reader and she's bored, so I can't risk it."

CH:  "I'm going to bed."

ME:  "Bastard."

And then I got on the computer, intending to write, but I had to quickly get on Twitter and send messages to The Bloggess (whose adorable pug, Barnaby Jones, died a few hours ago, so send her some love) and to Fletch, because stalkers who slack miss out on vital information.  Then I sent mass e-mails so I get more entries in the Stennifer Lunch contest (Good Enough To Eat - pre-order your copy now!) because going through Stacey's garbage alone isn't going to get me a seat at that lunch table.  Or that amazing necklace she wears on her website.  (She won't give it up, I've already asked.)  Talked to a couple of friends on Facebook, and badda bom badda bing, it's 11 p.m. and I haven't written one whorish word.

crickets....crickets....crickets...

I've NEVER had a problem with topics for Whoreticulture Friday, and then I realized the problem...it's ME!  Because I don't want the people at work to realize that I am not the pristine, well-presented girl I want them to *think* I am.  Inside of those Banana Republic pants and Gap shirts is a mother of three with the mouth of a trucker.  I keep my 'Ms. Jackson If You're Nasty' personae under wraps, away from my kids, co-workers, and some neighbors.  But Fridays I can usually let it all hang out.  Until this one.

Without going into great detail, let me say that I also blame Mike from American Pickers (Watch it Mondays at 8 CST on History Channel!)  He and his ladyfriend told my new boss about my blog, which I had sort of neglected to mention in my interview.  I knew it would probably come out eventually, but not less than a week into the job!  So she asked for the address this week, and now I sit, thinking something along the lines of this....

"Well.  You can't do the blog about how you and CH like nooners, because every time you come back from lunch she will think you were out having sex and now you'll never be able to have nooners again because she can see the archives where I talk about nooners, so between that and the kids being home the rest of the time you can't have sex for another 11 years.  You can't do the one about how you had the owner of a very nice restaurant over for Hamburger Helper and proceeded to tell him about The Shocker (it's hardcore, you may not want to go there) until he squealed like a girl and put his hands over his ears and said NO MORE I CAN'T HEAR ANY MORE but then went to work the next day and asked everyone about it and as he left our house he said CH and I are like Jr. High kids who are legal to drink.  (we were flattered) You can't do the one about the friend who knows a housewife who trolls the Internet to meet strangers in cities around the country to have sex.  You can't do the one about the friend who accidentally left a tampon in and had to have a doctor remove it a week later.  You can't do the one about the dogs getting stuck together.  Queefs.  Taints.  NOTHING.  Because your boss might read it.  And she's cool and probably wouldn't care, but STILL.  I do possess some small measure of public humility.

It's one thing to write about vibrators and Brazilians and such and go on your happy anonymous way.  It's quite another to write about CH saying "You look like you want me to bend you over" and then saying, "So how was your weekend?" to someone who knows about the bending.

So now l have a dilemma.  Will I be c***blocked forever, or can I work through it to everyone's ultimate satisfaction?  (Oh how I adore innuendo.)  Will we be able to adopt a "don't ask about the blog/don't tell about the blog" policy at work?  

My other dilemma?  It's 11:40 p.m. and I am really dead.  Stay tuned to see if there is an Issue 40 of WTF....oh, and welcome to my boss!  See you tomorrow!  Let's pretend this never happened, okay?

 

Author Stalker - The Sequel

Those of you who have been reading A Day In The Wife for any amount of time know that I have been actively stalking Jen Lancaster, NY Times bestselling author (My Fair Lazy, still on sale, order now!).  Terms of the restraining order forbid me from going into great detail, but for those unfamiliar with my obsession, here is a quick refresher course:

 Me, bracing myself so as to not fall over on Jen.

Curse you, RL Restaurant bartenders.  Curse you.

She looks lovely, I look like Jeffrey Dahmer.

There are 13 blog posts with a Jen tag, but here are the two refresher courses revealing the embarrassing depths of my Jen addition:

"Jen Lancaster, I am your Stalker"

"I"m Addicted to Twitter and Jen Hates Me"

And the coup de grace, my unintentionally drunken meeting with Jen in May:

"Wasted Away Again in Author Stalkerville"

Fletch, I'm so sorry.  

But glad to see you are wearing a belt, Baldwin.

But I have some good news!  Jen's friends are TOTALLY available for stalking!  Stacey has been featured in Jen's books, and Jen dedicated "My Fair Lazy" to Stacey.  She sounds like a lot of fun, and I would absolutely buy her a very nice bottle of wine and some theater tickets if the opportunity presents itself when I get paroled from the whole "Meeting Jen in May Incident".  Hello, Stacey Ballis!  Welcome to the Author Stalker archives!

Meet Stacey.  

She's on the right with the fabulous necklace, 

which I will gladly take in lieu of a cease and desist order.

Stacey has written a number of books, including:

• Room For Improvement
• Sleeping Over
• Inappropriate Men
• Spinster Sisters

NONE of which I could get at Borders when I went there today, so I'm going back to Amazon.com to purchase.  I've linked the titles to their amazon pages.  But her big news is that she has a new book coming out next month, and it sounds fantastic!  

 "Good Enough To Eat" - go on, read the blurb.  

I've ordered it, and can't wait to read it!

SO.  Stacey made the mistake of opening up a contest to drive pre-sale orders of her book.  The contest is lunch with her and Jen.  Oh Holy Mother.  Are you kidding me?  I know some of you other Jen-lovers will want to do the contest, so here is the link to Stacey's blog so you can get the deets:  The Polymath Chronicles   The idea is that you try to get the most entries in the contest, and presumably someone will have their name drawn at the end.  Would I love to be that person?  You are damn skippy I would.  And here's the thing.  OF COURSE I love Jen.  OF COURSE I would love to have lunch with Jen.  But this Stacey is sort of intriguing, and I've met Jen.  I'm it for Stacey, and this new book looks terrific.  (And I am not to go within 100 yards of Jen, so that might complicate seating in the restaurant, but we can work around it I'm sure.)

I've made no secret that I'm hoping to get published someday, and the two of them would be so interesting to talk with about the publishing industry, book tours, and their writing process (here's mine - think about writing, get coffee, eat some cake, write a few sentences, think about ice cream, write a bit more, make dinner, chase children and give Current Husband menacing looks, have glass of wine, surf internet, blog, sigh, bed. The curtain has been lifted - Oz is a little man and The Wife is a procrastinator.)  More likely, we would talk about the completely amazing food we are eating, how delicious the wine tastes, how we hope there are cupcakes for dessert, and who will win on Project Runway.  TANGENT ALERT:  Did anyone else shift in their seats and have to look away when Nicholas cried last week?  He looked like a toddler whose playdate just ended - "I have to go home now!"  Oy.  And let me say for the record that I liked McKell.

Here is what I ask of you, gentle readers.  If you would like to win, by all means, enter!  If not, and you decide to pre-order Stacey's book, e-mail your order confirmation to me at adayinthewife@gmail.com and I can send it to Stacey and it will count toward my total.  Also, I will be posting links on Facebook, and if I get 20 people to "like" the post, it counts as an entry.  You know if I win, I will take loads of inappropriate photos, including my mug shot and food porn photos of what we ate, because we would be eating at The Lincoln Cafe in Mount Vernon, Iowa, TRULY THE BEST RESTAURANT IN THE WHOLE DAMN COUNTRY, I kid you not, and blog about the whole thing.  So go on, and pre-order her book!  At the very least, writer chicks need to stick together.

I've ordered three copies, and my one year blog anniversary is coming in September, so I will do a Happy Frackin' Bloggy Birthday to The Wife Giveaway next month, and a copy of Good Enough to Eat will be included.  Along with autographed photos of Todd the Squirrel and George the Superpet and a virtual plethora of other items.  Why?  Because I love you.  But for now, let's focus on my lunch with Stacey and Jen.

And?  If one of you wins, I would like the necklace Stacey is wearing in the picture above.  Thank you.

GEEKING OUT MOMENT - Shortly after I posted this, Stacey Ballis herself posted the first comment!  As they would say on Battlestar Galactica, Get the Frack Out!   Sigh.  I love the blogosphere.

It's Whoreticulture Friday! Issue 28

Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygiene mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word "culture". Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology. Whoreticulture Friday is not for children. Or squeamish people. Or Mother-In-Laws. (Yes, KAREN, that includes YOU!)

Today's topic: Good Vibrations.

There have been a number of new followers of A Day In The Wife this week on Blogger, Facebook, and Twitter, and for those of you who are Whoreticulture Friday virgins, I apologize that this is how we begin our relationship.  Things to know:  I am only really bawdy on Fridays, I stick to innuendo the rest of the week, and you can always pause the music.  Welcome, and I hope you stick around for Monday.  It will likely be about gardening.  Without dildos.  

But let's pause for a moment to think about Gardening WITH Dildos.  Hmmm.  How does YOUR garden grow?  And what would one have in lieu of a green thumb?  Hos with Hoes?  Bloom where you're planted?  The possibilities are endless.

So a few weeks ago, the fantabulous Brenda at MummyTime (Are you not following her yet? I'll wait.) celebrated her first Bloggy Birthday by doing a giveaway.  It wasn't just ANY giveaway.  It was the MummyTime SuperMegaAwesome Giveaway.  She was giving away ad space on her blog and on her pal Veronica's blog Sleepless Nights; some gorgeous handmade cups by Kim, of frogpondsrock, an Aussie artisan; a blog redesign with Blog Designs by Sarah; AND?  The BeBe. A VIBRATOR, sold at Love Being Woman.  And please.  You cannot throw down with a vibrator without me trying to win it.  All one had to do was answer this question:
"Why do I need and want to win MummyTime's SuperMegawesome Giveaway?"

Here was my answer:

A gift?! For me?!? On YOUR bloggy birthday? Oh you shouldn't have! (Yes. Yes you should.) Why ME and not these other fabio followers? Well....

A) Ad space. Who the heck doesn't love a little narcissistic ME time? I DO! And when I am published and famous I can say to Oprah "I really owe it all to Brenda and Veronica, they are the shizzle."

B) CUPS! I love cups! I use them every day, as a matter of fact, but nothing as pretty as these. I would say, "Oprah, you should have your mint julep out of these cups. I owe these to Brenda as well!"

C) THE BE BE!! HELL TO THE YES! If I win The Be Be, I promise that during every single orgasm for a year I will yell "MUMMYTIME! MUMMYTIME!" and you can take that to the bank. (No Oprah, you may not borrow The Be Be. Take it up with Brenda, you should have entered the contest.)

D) What blog couldn't use a makeover? There are many things I would like to do with my blog, but don't have the know how. While I am sure The Be Be would give me some transformative powers, I need professional help for techie things. Waxing my blog's mustache and shaping it's eyebrows is a must.

In any event, thanks for having the Mummytime Supermegaawesome giveaway. It's like an Internet Festival. xoxo julie

AND I WON.  A vibrator.  

God Bless the Internet.

Now I have to decide who should own it.  I could keep it for myself, yes, and I have to admit that I am a vibe virgin.  But it is SOOOOOOO tempting to give it away.  Who would want a vibrator as a gift?  Who wouldn't?  Here is my short list of great recipients:

• 
  
  Mother-in-law Christmas gift (I'd send it to you Mom, but I know you have one.)

• 
  
  
  End of year Teacher gift

• 
  
  
  Newly divorced friends

• 
  
  
  New Neighbor Welcome Wagon gift

• 
  
  
  Gift for Jen Lancaster at next book signing

• 
  
  
  Cellmate gift when I break Jen Lancaster restraining order

• 
  
  
  Store for CH to give to me when he only gets me a gas station gift card on our 15-year-anniversary later this summer

 

See?  The BeBe is the gift that keeps on giving.  And look how pretty they make it:

 In my drawer it would be next to some Tums, nail clippers and my picture of Damian Kulash from Ok Go Current Husband, but you get the idea.


But wait, there's more!  They have a You Tube video demonstrating how to unpack and power up your BeBe:
  


Dude.  I. Want. This. Job.  And doesn't everything sound fantastic in an Australian accent?  They could be saying, "And then you shove the whole thing up your arse!" and it would sound so lovely that you would go, "Oh, that's all?  It's so easy!"


On the Love Being Woman website, they have some interesting information, including the history of the vibrator.  According to the BeBe people, at one time women were prescribed vibrators to cure the symptoms of hysteria.  The site also reports that by 1917 there were more vibrators in American homes than toasters, which doesn't surprise me much, because really, What Have You Done For Me LATELY, Toast?


Seriously?  It's stuff like this that reassures me there is good in the world.  Happy people, promoting vibrators on the internet, but with CLASS and FACTS.  *sigh*  I love blogging.


But this post is just about the BeBe.  As a Vibe Virgin, I brought this topic up at my book club this week, and they suggested looking into The Rabbit.  (Can you imagine how thrilled my book club is when I don't show up?  Because then when someone says, "So, did you think the main character was suppressing their inner rage?" I don't jump in and say, "Hey, I won a vibrator!")  So next week?  Good Vibrations, Part Deux, The Rabbit.

Happy Whoreticulture Friday, and have a great weekend! 
 

Stalker Update: Jen

I really do love the people I stalk.

Some of you are familiar with my established stalking of Jen Lancaster (My Fair Lazy, on bookshelves now!), and how my friend and I made a pilgrimage to see her that ended up ugly and could have been uglier.  But really, was somuchfunbesttimeever.  I did finish My Fair Lazy, and I loved it, but I'm going into it ready to love it anyway, so take that recommendation with a grain of salt.

As part of my stalking program, I like to contact my victims, but I'm a top shelf criminal and only write when I have a reason.  Therefore, it was with gratitude that I wrote Jen Lancaster a few weeks ago upon my return from Chicago.  There are a couple of reasons for writing:

1. Aspiring writers are always fobbing their work off on someone more successful, because they always hope someone will read their stuff and say, "Why does she not have an agent and a book deal yet?"  It's a little like buying a Powerball ticket - you can't win if you don't play, but your chances of winning are about the same as Lindsay Lohan straightening her life out.
2. The more authors I stalk, the more I realize how many stalkers they have.  Julie Powell, of Julie & Julia fame, allows comments on her blog, and I would say 80%  of them are telling her to go read their work, 10% of them are calling her a slut, and the other 10% say they love her.  I stay in the Love Her 10% because I feel bad that she gets bugged so much.  Jen Lancaster has said in interviews that a large volume of her mail is people trying to get her to read their stuff, or complaining at her that she doesn't blog enough anymore.  Okay, I do send her links to my blog when I write.  But the reason for writing is always to compliment her work - I have Stalker Standards!
3. I truly appreciate the authors who blog, do Facebook, Twitter, etc, and do the signings.  They do actually have lives, and keeping up with all of the social media, fan requests, and book events keeps them from their marriages, kids, pets, lives, and writing more great material.  It's a sacrifice that Jen Lancaster probably doesn't have to make anymore, and yet, she does.

So....here is the e-mail I sent to her:

On Mon, May 17, 2010 at 11:11 AM, Julie wrote:
Dear Jen-
Attended your signing at Borders last Friday, sorry to say I was *ahem* mildly intoxicated after long wet lunch at Ralph Lauren, but you, and Fletch (whom my 40-something sorority posse jumped after books signed) were lovely.  Thanks for doing the appearances, your fans love love love them (except for woman behind me without the coveted BLUE wristband, who nearly took out a blade and cut Borders employees - Xanax, over here, STAT!)

I'm aware that you have around two seconds to yourself a day and are trying to buy your short sale house and pet your animals, but if you have time to kill I blogged, with interesting photos, about our day-long stalking of your signing, and how my Borders Rewards card got revoked.  No need to reply, just wanted to say thanks!

Halfway through MFL, love it.  Good luck with the house.

xo
Julie, drunk woman who tried not to fall on you during signing
www.adayinthewife.com

And here is the reply I received this morning:

Julie,

Thanks for coming! It was fun and it's always a thrill not to be thrown up on!

Best,

Jen

I love her.  I'm sure she replies to most, if not all, of her fan mail.  But really?  Look how long and detailed my message is to her.  Clearly, I'm obsessed.  Why does she keep encouraging me this way?  Someone needs to have a talk with Jen, because I can't be held responsible for what I do at the next signing I attend.  After the restraining order expires.

It's always a thrill to get something back from someone you admire.  I hope something unexpected and wonderful happens in your day today as well, Gentle Reader!