Friday, October 16, 2009

It's Whoreticulture Friday! Issue 2

Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygeine mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word culture. Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology.

Today's topic: David Sedaris wants me stoned

Last night I was a complete whore.

Current Husband and I went with friends to see David Sedaris. He was hysterical, of course, and my favorite part of his show was the "Comb-over Jesus" montage, when Sedaris points out that it's easy to worship someone with perfect skin and a washboard stomach, but wouldn't it show more faith to worship someone with shoulder acne who was so overweight he broke the first cross?

I met David Sedaris last night. Did I tell him he's funny? An inspiration? A snappy dresser? No, because my friend Judy and I were too busy telling him about ourselves, and whoring out my writing to the poor man. Here's how it went down:

JUDY: Hi. I haven't read anything you've written, but I'm sure you're very funny. I'm a virgin to your work.
ME: I brought her! (Sedaris ignores me, because it is not my turn.)
SEDARIS: What do you do, Judy?
JUDY: I'm an attorney.
SEDARIS: And what field do you practice?
ME: Look at me! Stop talking to my friend! I'M the one who reads your books! Can you get me an agent?
JUDY: Employment law.
SEDARIS(eyeing me warily): And how do you two know each other?
JUDY: Our husbands are dating. My friend is a really talented writer...
ME (feigning humility): Judy, once you tell him that he will stop talking to us because he will think we're trying to use him!
SEDARIS: No I won't! I was there once, too...
ME (Interrupting): Okay, my blog is I'm the wife.
JUDY: She's really funny.
SEDARIS (motioning us toward the door politely, small smile on his face): Okay.

Judy and I walk into the hall, giggling like schoolgirls. I thought it went well, until I got home, and I realized that I waited in line nearly 2 hours to tell him about me. Not once did I mention his writing, and I just handed over my book without even saying, "Hey, I love your book!" I'm sure he is thinking "Wow, it's so incredible to meet my adoring public, especially the narcissists! They think they're so interesting!"

Everyone else waiting in line got a gift from Sedaris - he handed out the hotel shampoos and soaps to some, chocolate to others, and to the two teachers from Illinois in front of us, he autographed one of the essays he read that night and gave it to them. What did he give me and Judy? His patience and restraint, as he surely wanted to punch me in the giblets. But he's too classy for that.

I did give him a gift - my good friend Nanci in Colorado sent a funny oilcloth coin purse for my birthday, but I could never use it because my son thought it was sacreligious and I would go to hell. I regifted it to David Sedaris last night in honor of Comb-over Jesus. The coin purse had pictures of Jesus on both sides, and it said "Jesus Saves - he'll oogle if you're frugal".

Sedaris accepted my gift, and I'm sure as he gives it away to someone in Birmingham or Phoenix he will remember me, and think it should've had a picture of the whore being saved from the stoning. Because Sedaris? Surely wanted me stoned.


SueWags said...

I wouldn't have known to give him a gift. Do you do that every time you meet an author or just Sedaris? I hope he reads your book and you get his agent. :)

Julie said...

I don't normally gift authors, but since he hands out random gifts to his guests, I rifled through my purse to find something appropriate, and the Jesus thing was perfect. Yeah...I don't think Mr. Sedaris will be hooking me up. He's probably relieved I didn't stay longer than I did. But it was fun!

The Insatiable Host said...

perhaps Julie "stoned" has taken new flights??? Perhaps one should be stoned before going to meet authors may help in measures beyond the "calming effect"...I joke, but I tell you the truth, I know it's tres imposible to contain yourself when you are in presence of iconic peeps... I went to a Gordon Ramsay signing (you do authors I do hubby is one ;) anyhow, he came and held my hand and asked me something and all I could say is "yes chef" was pathetic at best and I only hoped that I could have ranted on about how I love the London in NY or wished that he could be my chef at home...anything, and all I say is "yes chef" while drooling...ugh!!!

Sandra said...

hahaha I loved this entry. Your writing is so witty.

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