Friday, October 9, 2009

It's Whoreticulture Friday!

Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygeine mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word culture.

I'm taking a page from NPR's Science Friday - every other Friday will be Whoreticulture Friday, when I will report on the field of Whoreticulture. If you have any suggestions for topics in the study of whoreticultury, I welcome them.

Today's topic: Bushwhackery.

Watching television with my kids has become increasingly interesting. Not only are they getting older and better able to understand the commercials, the commercials are getting into our pants a lot more than they used to. I give you Viagra, Levitra, Mother Nature, and best of all, Schick and the topiary commercials.

IT IS IMPERATIVE THAT YOU CLICK THE TITLE "It's Whoreticulture Friday!" OF THIS POST TO TAKE YOU TO THE SCHICK "MOW THE LAWN" VIDEO. THEN HIT THE BACK BUTTON TO COME BACK TO THE BLOG. If you haven't seen this commercial, it will change your life. It did mine.

Did you click it? Are you nearly wetting your pants? Because if you are, you should really be doing some Kegel exercises. More on that later.

Never feel untidy-
Just spruce up your aphrodite!

I have to say that the first time I saw this commercial was on YouTube, and I think it is the British version. The version I see on TV is quite a bit more tame (pun intended!), and yet, my 10-year-old son somehow knows what they are talking about. It brings me back to an e-mail conversation between my high school friends years ago regarding personal hedge trimming.

A bunch of us got together for a weekend, and one of them is an OB-GYN. I could spend every single day with her at the office. Not because I want to look at anyone's treasure trove in stirrups, but because I want to stand in the hall and talk to her about every single patient she sees.

ME: "So, Doc, what was her deal?"
HER: "The usual, pap and pat, no issues."
ME: "Was she tattooed? Piercings? Look like she likes it rough?"
HER: "No, none of that. But she was trimmed in the shape of Florida."
ME: "Excellent."

Whenever we get together, we try to ply our OB friend with wine and get her to tell us stories, but she rarely does, probably because she is a good doctor who doesn't dish. She will occasionally give us educational stories, like "Be careful with the type of thong you wear, I had to lance a boil last week." We don't want names or gossip, we just want to know what kind of wacky shit goes on in those rooms.

For instance, once, when I had to go to Student Death in college because my monthly deal was so heavy I thought I was bleeding to death, the woman doctor finished up and said "Looks like endometriosis - is there anything else you want me to look for?" and I couldn't help myself, I had to say, "Yes, I lost a watch recently." I thought it was hilarious, but the doctor rolled her eyes, snapped off her latex gloves, said "check out at the desk" and walked out. These are the stories I need to hear.

Anyway, after a few glasses of wine, I asked my OB friend how people maintain themselves - does she see a lot of Brazilians? Strips? Shapes? Hairy Growler? She said she has seen it all, and to be careful if you're a shaver, she has put in stitches when someone cut their labia with a razor while shaving. (Taking a moment to shudder.)

After the weekend, we e-mailed each other about this topic. What do you do? We started talking about the different things we do, and stories we'd heard from friends. (Such as the gal whose friend got her starfish waxed - think about that for a second - but only once. Or the woman who decided to go Brazilian, and as soon as they got the wax on, she sat up and tried to leave because she freaked out, and said she would've run down the streets of Chicago with no pants and a big patch of wax on her taco.)

So as we're talking, one friend who wasn't with us that weekend sent a panicky e-mail that said, "GIRLS! What is this!? Does everyone do some sort of trimming, because I never have! Are all of my high school boyfriends talking about my huge bush!?!" So we all e-mail her what we do to reassure her that yes, they are all talking about her.

In the middle of our e-mail frenzy, she sends out another e-mail with the subject "STOP" and reads, "Hello. Please stop e-mailing me about this. I will explain later." It turns out that the guys in IT sent her an e-mail reminding her about the No Personal E-mails Policy at her job. At the time, she was a VP of a large department at a national corporation. Shortly thereafter, her boss sent her an e-mail saying, "The IT department has informed me that you are sending and receiving a large number of personal e-mails, and that you should re-acquiant yourself with the personal e-mail policy."

Oh yeah. The IT department guys, likely all crowded around one computer in the dark IT room, now knew she was sporting a hairy growler, and had possibly enlightened her boss. However, they waited until she had received over 25 e-mails describing every possible way Aphrodite could be styled.

Well played, IT guys. Well played.

Happy Whoreticulture Friday, and have a great weekend!


SueWags said...

Well played, Julie. Well played. Enjoyed this thoroughly and have been wondering what to do before I put my feet in the stirrups for the fourth and most likely last time. I try to keep it trimmed......

The Insatiable Host said... your tribute of Laura Ingles...wait...I dont want to know! I guess it'll be just as bad as the beard they all grew to love; and I'm sure that in winter, she was warm...ick!
As for the rant...I can't tell you how I freaked out when I was going into labour because I couldn't see if my shit was tidy!! I mean, I waxed during pregnancy because I couldn't see/reach but you never know who is going down there when you are in the stirrups. I actually think that I had more people view me from the inside out from all 3 deliveries, than Jenna Jamison has had explore her in the first year of her career!!

great read Julie and Whoreticulture is great fun...can't wait to find out about how clean stripper's poles actually are...are they even sanitary??? who cleans them? is there snatch spray antibacterial soap? hmmmm

Julie said...

Oh, I have LOTS of material for Whoreticulture Friday. It will take at least a year to get through it all - stripper poles, advice from The Other Woman (not me), "sitting on a gold mine", Journey of the Lost Tampon, Baginas, etc etc. It's a cave of information, literally. And I am quite sure LIW sported a hairy growler, prairie style.

Jennifer Brindley said...

Ha-ha, this is just awesome! What a great entry. And it makes me really happy I trim my snatch.

Oh, re: your comment, I decided NOT to chew the armpit because of the deodorant. I don't know if it would make your mouth dry, but I'm guessing yes. ;)


Christi said...

I haven't heard anything as awesome as Whoreticulture Fridays in, I don't know, ever. I am already a loyal reader and it's only week 1. Looking forward to the stripper pole insight.

Anita said...

A few weeks ago, I was watching Wheel of Fortune ( at which I rock) and Pat is asking each contestant about themselves and one chick says- I am an esthetician. I help people with body care- and if you ever need a wax, ANYWHERE, I can help you. To Pat Sajak she says this on National TV. And here I thought they just steamed your face....Saves me time looking up Brazilian Wax Joints in the phone directory.....or finding a stripper to give me a reference...esthetician. That's easy enough. Now, if I drink about 5 glasses of wine, I should be able to do it. Driver?

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