Friday, February 5, 2010

It's Whoreticulture Friday! Issue 14

Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygiene mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word culture. Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology. Whoreticulture Friday is not for children. Or squeamish people. Or Mother-In-Laws.

Today's topic:  Leaky Pipes

One quick non-whorish topic - my book club read "The Help" last month, and I just finished it at 1 a.m.  I wouldn't probably have read it if my book club hadn't picked it because of The Hype, but I'm really glad I did.  An amazing book, and a first novel, no less.  Well done, Kathryn Stockett!


So, on to other woman topics.  Have you ever just flat out wet your pants?  I'm talking about after you were five years old.  And not during one of those misguided "Dime Draws" night at the bars during college.  I'm talking about "After The Baby Comes And Your Girl Parts Are Never The Same".  My name is Julie.  I'm a wife and mother of three.  And I wet my pants.

(Okay, Internet Porn-Trolling Freaks, you got your free visual.  I am not going to pee on you.  Move back to the Dark Side of the Internet.)

I am not alone.  I have one college friend who said she was washing dishes at the sink one day in her kitchen, and out of nowhere she did what she called "an Old School piss myself moment".  Another friend told me she was at a college football game waiting in line for the Port-O-Johns and just couldn't take it anymore...she stood in humiliation as she wet her pants in line.  Awkward!  Another one was at a stadium concert and really had to go - there were 10,000 women in line for the bathroom and she knew she wasn't going to make it, so she did what she had to do.  She squatted in the bushes outside of Soldier Field in front of about 5,000 people instead of walking around in her own urine-soaked clothing.  She picked the lesser of two evils.  What do we all have in common?  We are vaginal birthers.

I don't really flat-out wet my pants.  It's just a little bit.  Enough for me to know, but the world at large to remain ignorant.  It happens occasionally when I laugh or cough too hard, or when I've hit a golf club into the ground (have I mentioned what an excellent golfer I am?  "We're hitting balls, not sod, Julie.")  I thought this was my post-labor life until I met my high school OB-GYN friend for a night in Chicago when she was at a Coochie Conference (not the actual name) and she re-introduced me to the Kegel.

By the way, you can get cool stuff at a Coochie Conference.  All of the materials have uteruses (uteri?) and fallopian tubes and ovaries all over them.  I am sure there are pens and buttons and Post-Its with vaginas all over them.  Hook me up, OB-GYN friend!  (Another friend whose husband is a doctor gave me a Viagra pen, which YD accidentally took to school and the teacher sent back, and a Cialis pen that was bent in half, and when you click it, the end (shaped like a penis, of course) would rise up.  It is awesomeness squared.)

Anyway, back to the Kegel.  They are your friend, and they cure a multitude of ails.  Here is the fast definition from The Mayo Clinic:
"Kegel (KAY-gul or KEY-gul) exercises strengthen the pelvic floor muscles, which support the uterus, bladder and bowel. If you do Kegel exercises regularly and keep your pelvic floor muscles toned, you may reduce your risk of incontinence and similar problems as you get older. Kegel exercises can also help you control urinary incontinence."

Here is a picture of your pelvic floor muscles:
 
OKAY, now that the remaining men are gone... 

I actually wrote an informational article on Kegels not too long ago, and here is what OBGYN friend and her PT said about them:
"A proper Kegel can be done easily and without detection.  While you are sitting or lying down, try to contract the muscles you would use to stop urinating or to hold gas.  You should feel your pelvic muscles tightening or closing, including those around your urethra and your anus. You should be able to do this without tightening your buttocks or squeezing your legs together.  If your lower stomach muscles tighten or pull in, that’s correct. It’s very important that you are able to actually breathe while keeping your pelvic floor muscles up and in."
(She said, "Anus".  Heh-heh.)

Okay ladies, let's all do one together.  Tighten.  Hold.  And release.  Excellent.  Still not convinced?  There are six good reasons to do them:
  1. Better sex.
  2. Less 'leaking'.
  3. Less bathroom time.
  4. Less back pain.
  5. A flatter stomach.
  6. Your uterus won't fall out.

Because your uterus.  Can.  Fall out.  OBGYN Girl (Hey!  She's a superhero!) does LOTS of vag overhauls, because that pesky uterus is sneaking around those weakened birthing muscles and ...Peek-A-Boo!  Your uterus is getting a look at the world outside.
"PARTS ON THE GROUND!  PARTS ON THE GROUND!  LOOKIN' LIKE A  FOOL WIT YO PARTS ON THE GROUND!"
 Hopefully, you are now scared shitless about your parts dropping out of you like candy out of a broken PEZ dispenser, so let's do another Kegel.  Tighten.  Hold.  And release.   
You just participated in a group Kegel!  This can be your naughty secret.  Do one in church.  At your parent-teacher conferences.  On the phone with the cable guy.   During sex...but then it won't be a secret anymore.  You should actually try to do three sessions of 10-15 per day.  That's a lot of private vaginal action, you naughty monkey!

Happy Whoreticulture Friday!  Have a terrific weekend!  I have a date tonight with CH, we are kid-free!!!  Whoo-hooo!  If you are a writer, please visit my friend Anissa's blog, Anissa Off The Record, which is covering some great writer topics this month.  She is RocknRolla, so if you like it, click that Follow button and get on with that novel already!  

 

13 comments:

Anne Fitten Glenn said...

Thanks for finding me. I want that squirrel.

P.S. Frequent sex works just as well as Kegels for tightening up those muscles.

Edgy Mama said...

Meant to sign in as my blog persona. That's me above.

Nancy B. said...

I love my sister for sending me the link to your blog. And now I love you for reminding me to do my kegels! Secretly I am sad I can't have a vagina embossed franklin-covey planner...

Julie, The Wife said...

Edgy Mama, I will get right to work on the frequent sex. Maybe right now.

Nancy, look for the Etsy link to my new line of vagina embossed Franklin planners, called Coochie Covers.

The Insatiable Host said...

im pissed, this is my 2nd post because i didn't submit my word verf. word.

so...here we go. back with the computer and very glad to catch up! i am now clenching

"clenchity clench, clenchity clench, clenchity clench"

now that that is out of the way... i have a new topic for ya!!

Obese Vag's

so my friend and i were talking and she thinks she has gained so much weight that her vag is obese. is this possible? like i said was it her whole meat drawer (sorry that is what i said and even now i am ashamed that i asked this - but we are really old friends and i say a lot of stupid shit) anyhow, or if it was her lips...because Angelina's lips are huge and no one is complaining!!

so her answer was the whole kit and caboodle!!! ick, yuck..what the fuck!

can you have an obese vag? can you be fat there???? If i gained weight would it go hips, tits, ass then vag??? OMG could you imagine...skinny person aside from her vag..she has junk in her gunt!! lolo ok, sorry, getting carried away!

anyhow, if you could ask OBGYN friend if this is possible i now need to know!

miss ya and can't wait to catch up!

Nikki Allers said...

Pumping at Soldier Field is quite the experience also. Hey, what's a mom to do?

Love the reminder to keep up with the kegals. This has been, by far, my favorite format of delivery. Love my midwives advice, but I'm thinking yours will stick with me longer.

Julie, The Wife said...

Um, Nikki, I can promise you that I will not be doing Kegels during our parent teacher conferences. But now I will be afraid to make eye contact with you for fear that you will think I am. And then CH will be freaked when he finds out it was a vagina joke we were laughing about...at our son't PT conferences.

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

who has given birth and DOESN'T pee themselves -just a smidge- when either sneezing or jumping on the trampoline. a good reason to avoid either. thanks for visiting the crib and following.

Gorilla Bananas said...

It's giving birth to big-headed human babies that messes up your coochies. Female gorillas stay tight into old age.

RubyTwoShoes said...

Holy Moly. I just commented on your more recent post saying how it was my first time read - and now this! What a happy coincidence, I just finished writing a post on the same topic (literally, like minutes ago...), but was a bit nervous about posting it...and then I come here find this!
I'll let you know if I pluck up the courage to post my own version!

From a fellow wetter (Ha. If I can say that, I can say anything...)

Julie, The Wife said...

You can do it, Ruby Two Shoes! Incontinent women, unite!

Gorilla coochies should be loose because they have those big shoulders, don't they? Why do the gorillas get off so easy? They seem to be okay with wetting themselves.

Danon. Obese vag? I would think guys would LOVE that!

Anita said...

Having the test to see about a corrective surgery was actually worse than peeing myself. I'm kegeling.

RubyTwoShoes said...

Ok, its out there! Thanks for spurning me on!

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