Wednesday, February 24, 2010

More on the Mommy Wars

February is the month of love.
And I love comments.

Yesterday's post about "To Hell With All That" and the Mommy Wars inspired some interesting comments and e-mails on both the blog and Facebook.  Thanks to Dixie and others who are passing the blog (Butthead:  "Huh huh, she said passing the blog") and welcome new batch o' readers.

I think the Mommy Wars is an issue many moms deal with regularly from the kid ages of 5 to 12, and after that you are so worried about keeping the kids free of babies and STD's and police records and broken hearts and academic probation that you quit caring what other parents think.  But since Oldest Daughter is 12, the only experience I have with teenagers is from when I was one.  (Rut Row.  Must get daughter micro-chipped.)

I started writing a response to Mifocals comment yesterday, who doesn't have kids yet but is scared pantsless to have one (which, by the way, WILL get you pregnant, Mifocals), but the response got long-winded (imagine that) and I decided to post and open it up to you, the purported readers.  I think it's all motivated by guilt.  Before the kids go to school is a blur because you are so tired and trying to figure out how to operate your new baby.  Then when school starts, At-home moms feel like they should be "using" their degree if they have it, or that what they do at home isn't valued and they are looked down on by others.  Working moms feel guilty they aren't delivering Monogrammed Clown Cupcakes to school and being June Cleaver.  Meanwhile, we are all beating ourselves up when everyone, working in or out of the home, is probably doing a great job.  In the words of Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend, The Kids Are Alright.

Clown cupcakes I made for first grade room party:
  I'm kidding, Mandatory Reporters.  Thanks for the image,  
And seriously?  WTF?  Who made these, John Wayne Gacy?

 It all really comes down to the Golden Rule, but it's a tough cycle to break.  Guilt and fear (of screwing up your child) are powerful motivators.  So everyone tries to justify what they are doing, which makes other people defensive and then they justify what they are doing and then things get ugly and then Mommy is in handcuffs in the squad car.

So tell me all about it, People.  Do you think there is a conflict?  Why do you think that is?  How do we resolve it, or is it even solvable?  I'm curiouser and curiouser... I promise I'll try to stop being all academic and Gandhi-like tomorrow and go back to the usual pointless crap I post.

A side note to my Book Club from last night:  Please.  I am begging you.  After my second martini and my fourth brownie, CUT ME OFF.  Because really?  I know it was too much information.  Let's give everyone else a chance to talk too.  I'm bringing water and the duct tape next time.  Remember, friends make friends shut up.


aleigh said...

Oh, I miss that bookclub. We used to read in that one. Give them my regards. As for the mommy wars, here's the cold hard facts: You CAN have it all. Just not at the same time. If you try to do every bit of it at the same time, you will self-combust. And you will deserve it. Spread the love. Ask for help when you need it. Offer the help when you can give.

p.s. take the clown cupcakes off this site. everyone hates clowns. they're scarier than june cleaver.

The Insatiable Host said...

John Wayne Gacie did make these cupcakes and hid them under his floor board to never to be shown again...way to open Pandora's Box Julie.

if you ever resolve the momma's a hard battle we all deal with. sadly, i feel guilty when i work; i feel guilty when i am with the kids...there is never any balance, and I really like what Aleigh wrote..."if you try to do every bid of it at the same time you will self combust" it totally happened...ask for help, help when you can and the best thing i can say is drink another martini!


Amy said...

It's like I tell my kids when they are constantly parenting/policing one another- "when you become perfect, then you can move on to your brother/sister and help them become perfect!" If only we would do that to one another as moms. I agree it all comes from guilt- hate that pesky guilt!

I agree with the comments above and can only add- have another martini with a fellow mom! CHEERS!

Wendy Ramer said...

I'm with aleigh (first post). We can't do it all at the same time. But in the words of the Rolling Stones..."You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you just might find, you get what you need."

Justin said...

Are those clowns... naked?

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