Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Girl Scouts - The Second Oldest Profession

Girl Scout cookie season has come and gone, and here I sit at the computer with a fresh muffin top rollin' rollin' rollin' over the top of my pajama bottoms.  Effing Girl Scouts and their irresistible crack in a box.

Let's get in the Way Back machine and talk about the root of my initial bitterness with the Girls in Green.

When I was of Brownie age, I wanted to sign up.  I mean, please.  Who wouldn't want to belong to something called "Brownies"?  I would join a group TODAY called Brownies.  Perhaps I will start a club.  It will be open to women over the age of 30, and we will earn badges in things like "100,000 Taxi Miles on Minivan/SUV" or "Fastest Drink Maker" or "Least Conflicted Children" or "Best Camoflauged Eye Bags".  We'll call ourselves something snappy like "Shrimp Cocktails" or "Mocha Lattes" or "Post-Bloody Marys", and once a year we'll sell fellatio tickets to our husbands/boyfriends.  Who wouldn't give it up for a good cause?  The cause  - a Group Retreat somewhere sunny next to a pool.

Time to get off the Tangent Train - the Brownies wouldn't let me in.  The story was that I lived too far out of town, but I think it had more to do with the fact that I looked like Laverne DeFazio.  I was crushed.  No cookie sales for me.  sniff.

Fast forward past years of therapy to deal with my non-Girl Scout life, and I've just given birth to my first child.  We've been home from the hospital for about 48 hours, and the hormones are out of control.  I'm standing in the kitchen, weeping and looking at my Play-Doh post-baby stomach, when someone knocks on my door.  It's a little Girl Scout, with the 12 boxes of cookies I had forgotten I ordered.  Current Husband came home from work, and I'm sitting on the kitchen floor, holding the baby, with an empty box of Shortbreads and another empty box of Peanut Butter Patties.  I had ingested about 10,000 calories, and I don't believe I've known a moment of satisfaction like that one since. 

All was forgiven, Girl Scouts. 
You saved me in my time of need.

I've never looked back.  I cannot resist a Girl Scout cookie order.  I used to tell myself it was because I support the Girl Scouts, and that I just can't say no to a girl with a green sash at my door with an order form.  This year, however, I realized that I did not order ONE BOX of GS Cookies directly from a Girl Scout.  All 22 boxes (seriously), were ordered from adults.  Parents of the Girl Scouts, who were sent out by their little dictators to sell! sell! sell!  For this reason, I am suggesting that the Girl Scouts change their cookie badge to a Pimpin' Badge, because little sister is sending out her girls (and men) to bring home the money.  They sit at home playing Wii and waiting for their stable to bring back the goods.  My proposed Pimpin' Badge will look like this:
Yo. Here's your boxes of Thanks Alot.

Because those cookies?  Are full of Flava.

God Bless you, Girl Scouts.  You are the epitome of the American Way.


GrandeMocha said...

I wanna be a Brownie too! As long as we don't have to wear brown. Not really my color. I love the chocolate & coconut GS cookies. There won't be any camping will there?

GrandeMocha said...

I have a tree house we could use for meetings.

Peruby said...

The shortbreads! Man, I forgot to get some shortbreads!

pegzhere said...

I'm in for the Lady Brownies! Does it matter that I was kind of kicked out of them when I was little? Something about not taking it seriously enough and being a wiseass (I am sure they didn't use that term. Probably more something like wiseacre since they were the Girl Scouts) during the "very serious bridging ceremony"... I did my penance though, as a leader for 4 years.

Kris said...

I love Thin Mints but also the newer Thanks Alot are good ... shortbread with chocolate on the bottom. So yummy in coffee. :D

When I was in Girl Scouts in 6th grade, I forged my mom's signature to get more badges. That's either a thing you could go to hell for or something you should be praised for, and maybe earn a special badge, for your resourcefulness! ;)

I think adult brownies would be a great idea ... I can think of alot of fun badges! >:)

ForeverRhonda said...

Ah you had to bring them up. My husband ate the last of my Samoas. Then he has the freakin nerve to leave the empty box in the trash taunting me. I'm in on the Big Girl Brownies though.

Raquel's World said...

I want to be a lady Brownie. You should really put that together even if it's only on line.

Anonymous said...

Came back to check for WF but realized this would serve as a great Friday post - just change the date and leave it up!

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