Thursday, May 19, 2011

It's Whoreticulture Friday!
Issue 63

Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygiene mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word "culture". Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology. Whoreticulture Friday is not for children. Or squeamish people. Or Mother-In-Laws. Or people I work with. Or neighbors who are raising feral cats.


Today's topic: The Footskin Interview
Hello Wifers!  Welcome to the FIRST EVER Whoreticulture Friday interview.  I've been hearing a lot lately about Foot Aversion.  When an Attorney Friend Who Works For An Unnamed Corporation in Kansas City experienced some unwelcome foot intercourse, I decided to investigate.  Reporting from the Quad Cities, home of Fred Garvin, male prostitute.


Hello, Anonymous Attorney.


Hello Julie.


Can you tell my readers what happened to you?


Simply put, I was laid feet on.


Could you elaborate?  I mean REALLY elaborate (we need about 750 words)?

Um, okay.  My doctor said I need to learn how to de-stress and recommended Yoga, as opposed to a bottle of wine and a good book which was my go to de-stresser.


Let me just interject to say that your doctor sounds like a pain in the ass.  Please go on.


Since my stress isn't going anywhere, I started going to yoga once a week. I was already a bit skittish about all the exposed feet. I have issues with feet. Particularly, women with man feet. I'm very open minded when it comes to people and their orientations. Be who you are and all that. More power to you. Except, when it comes to feet. It is confusing and slightly disturbing to me to see unpainted gnarly toenails on a woman because frankly, men's feet are their least attractive feature. Don't get me wrong, I love men. I just think their feet should be covered. To see a woman with man feet is just discombobulating to me. Painted toes look well groomed. A well pedicured foot may be just as dirty as the next foot but my mind falls for the illusion of cleanliness.


I'm going to tell you that I'm happy you can't see my feet right now, because I left my last pedicure polish on too long (love to stretch that $30 over two months!) and I have a slight fungus on my toenails, so now they have to breathe.  In short, my feet now have a penis.  Back to you, this is your story.

Yoga is all about being barefooted so I've been very desensitized to my foot phobia. I've seen all kinds of feet--painted and unpainted. Cracked, bunion ridden and slightly decaying on the soles. I just kept my poses and deepened my breathing. I really have made progress until Monday, when the male instructor for Yoga Basics was in charge. He's excellent at yoga but doesn't have the same soothing style as my favorite female instructor. He's more chatty and loud. He's former military. He's hippie and militant at the same time. He cases the room for his victims and presses them deeper into their poses. This time he found me.


I was in the bridge pose. Which is when you rise from your back and you balance on all fours. My feet were planted at the bottom of my mat when all of a sudden the teacher stood on the tops of my feet with his BARE MAN FEET. Correction, sweaty bare man feet. You know how it feels when you shake hands with someone with sweaty palms? That is how it felt on the top of my feet. He stood there while he explained to the class how we must keep our feet firmly planted on the floor. I started to shake. I could feel hysteria, and the bile rising in my throat. Just when I thought I couldn't take it any more, he stepped off and surveyed the room for his next target. However, my traumatized feet moved out of position and WHAM! he was on them again like a hawk on its prey.


The bridge pose will never be the same for me.


I gave myself a bleach soak when I got home while drinking a bottle of wine and reading a good book.


So he got on your feet, dominated them, and then left you in the wet spot.  It's like he didn't even care how your feet felt.  Your feet certainly got nothing out of it.  On another topic, do you ever hear anyone fart in yoga? I had a farter in one of my yoga classes.


No. Surprisingly not. Snoring or really scary deep raspy breathing.


Have you ever looked up and seen a down dog that has made you want to throw up?


Yes but too traumatic to recall.

That's a lawyerly answer.  I want dirt.  Is there any chance your feet got pregnant?


His feet seemed neutered.


What sort of legal action can be taken for a foot violation?  


Restraining order definitely.


When his feet touched yours, did you hear the disco music in the background like on General Hospital when Luke raped Laura (and led to their marriage)?


No. It was more like bad Yanni musak.

If Yanni is good enough for Krystle Carrington, he's good enough for me. 
If his feet touch yours again, are you going to ask him to give you a toe ring?

I would need see his credit score first. I'm nothing if not practical.

And you might want to get tested for warts.  Just saying. 
Thank you, Anonymous Attorney for an Unnamed Corporation in Kansas City, for sharing your story.  I sincerely hope this pedi-phile keeps his dirty digits off of your bridge in the future.  Perhaps he should put a tube sock on it.


Happy Whoreticulture Friday, Wifers, and remember - feet in thongs don't deserve to be fondled, but it's more likely they will be than if you are wearing Clarkes.  Safety first.


3 comments:

GrandeMocha said...

Sweat feet - GROSS!!! I don't like feet either. I make my husband trim my kids toes.

Best line "I would need see his credit score first. I'm nothing if not practical."

Anonymous said...

I totally agree with the feet thing...I never let a man's feet touch me in any way...Sometimes it's hard to hide my issues but...

Hi I'm Rhonda. said...

Totally right about mens feet being their least attractive feature.

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