Monday, April 9, 2012

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

A terrible, terrible thing is happening to me. It’s akin to changing my blood type or my eye color, or getting a new identity, or having a sex change. I think my body is starting to reject Diet Coke.

(Take a moment. I know, it’s hard for me to wrap my head around too.)

I’ve been a Diet Coke fan since it was born in 1982. This was the first can design from which I can remember drinking:

Memories.  Like the corners of my mind.

I had a brief fling with Fountain Mountain Dew from about 1988 through 1993, but eventually returned to my original love. I also gave up Diet Coke entirely during my first pregnancy, and drank limited amounts of it during pregnancies number two and three and while I was nursing. But the first thing I had after each baby? A Diet Coke and a very large Tylenol. And then a malt. And then a large pile of blow accompanied by a Neil Sedaka album. (Just kidding Mom. You know I can’t take Neil Sedaka.)

TANGENT ALERT:  I just typed "Images A Pile of Blow" on Google and the weirdest shit ever came up.  I couldn't even pick anything, my mind was so confused, particularly by the 'Reeses peanut butter cup in hair' image.  Might have to quit those now too.  And now back to our story....

I’m the kind of person who won’t have soda if the restaurant exclusively serves Diet Pepsi. Why would I give up the most delicious, refreshing drink in all the free world? Well, I’m going to be deliberately vague so as to not make you lose your cookies, but here goes.

A couple of weeks ago, Current Husband and I went on a little date and had dinner at Biaggi’s. I had the shrimp and crab cannelloni, because CH is allergic to shellfish, so since I don’t cook with it I try to order it when I’m out on the town. It was spectacularly delicious. CH thinks I got sick from the shellfish, I think I got rotavirus from someone. Let’s just say that something terrible has been happening in my colon. Something very, very terrible.

I try to stay away from the bathroom at work. I use it, but not unless I have to, and I restrict myself to #1 activities only. I go home for lunch if I have other business to do. I feel that it’s a favor to me and a courtesy to my co-workers. Let’s keep our biological issues as human beings as separate as possible. The Monday after Biaggi’s, I found myself unable to wait. Or drive. There was no time. NO. TIME. So The Bad Things happened. As I was walking out of the bathroom, another female co-worker, whom I like, was approaching the door. As she put her hand on the knob, I put my hand on her arm.

ME: “Don’t.”
HER: “What?”
ME: “As a friend, I’m telling you not to go in there.”
HER: (smiling but flustered) “But I’m just rinsing out my coffee cup.”
ME: “Not in there, you aren’t. Don’t pass that door for at least an hour.”
HER: (Laughing as I’m leading her to another sink) “You must have what R had last week!”
ME: “Was R sick?”
HER: “I’m not sure, but I know she alternated bathrooms and advised I go at home.”
ME: “Ditto.”

Anyone with a uterus knows that women just don't talk about these things.  But at that moment, I was going to lose her respect in one of two ways - either let her keep walking through the door and into my Cloud of Shame, or to stop her from walking in and admit I have a cranky colon.  I like her, so I chose Option #2 (no pun intended).  And I’m going on Week 2.

I’m finding that The Bad Things happen soon after I drink Diet Coke, and I’ve even been finding that lately Diet Coke doesn’t taste as good. I’ve been on Web MD researching. I’ve tried to eat healthier (okay, not really, but I’ve INTENDED to, which is similar). I’ve texted a friend for the name of her probiotic (Florastor). I have NOT cut back on coffee. I have not given up Pinot Grigio. I have a lot of work to do.

I’m sorry Diet Coke, but I think we’re going to need to take a Ross and Rachel Break. In the words of Neil Sedaka, Breaking Up Is Hard To Do.  Time to do some blow and have a malt.  But not a baby.  (Thanks again, Essure!)


Jody Jones said...

Totally happens to me too, with ANY soft drink. It's like my body can only take so much of it.

Good news is, I've found drinking water every day and keeping soft drink to once a week as a special treat works. If I could just stop fantasising about Coke, I'd be happy!

Kris said...

I cannot believe that one of Mankind's best inventions ever could possibly be harmful to anyone! ;)

I love,love,love fountain diet Coke! I occasionally decide I'm not going to drink it (too much caffeine, chemicals, etc.) but then I figure I am continually on a diet "trying" to be good the least I can do is treat myself with delicious, calorie-free diet Coke.

I hope you break is short and painless! :D

muffintopmommy said...

While I celebrate that you're hangin' in with the Pinot, I am in awe you could ever give up Diet Coke. I know it like erodes your insides and strips your gums or some such nonsense, but dude....You'd have to pry it out of my cold, dead hands! But, I do admit, I do dabble in Diet Pep sometimes! I tried posting this to FB, but I couldn't figure it out bc they moved me to mothereffin' time line. So lemme see if this works:

ap said...

Not joking, that probiotic will change your life. Yes, I said it.

Mom of AOCG said...

That would make me so sad, I don't think I could handle it. I look forward to my 2, sometimes 3 Diet Cokes a day like a religious experience. I have been counseled by my SIL that she wants me to give it up because it's bad and I was like STOP TRYING TO SAVE ME. I hope you can come back.

Funny, I dabbled in Diet Mountain Dew on occasion at the QT in Ames. Hey Soul Sister. xo

Anonymous said...

Similar coke addict - currently devestated that due to a BAD attack of kidney stones I am no longer allowed to consume cola (or chocolate - been a long Easter) :-( Hoping that your abstinence is temporary!

Peruby said...

Pepsi and Coke are changing their recipe (announced March 2012). I am not sure they have changed it yet, nor am I certain it covers the diet drinks.

Something about cancer-causing caramel coloring.

Not saying that is what is happening to you - just an FYI.

Peruby said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Julie, The Wife said...

So CH does some Googling on Diet Coke last night, and of course it is the worst thing known to mankind. And I already knew this. Kind of like how I knew sex in my teens was wrong. But I did it anyway. I've been DC Free for 19 hours now. I'll be okay until about 1 p.m. today. Thanks for your support!

Anonymous said...

You know, I'll brave venturing into TMI by sharing this, but I have had similar problems(my carbonated diet-nonsense love is with Coke Zero). Supposedly its from the syrup. That's actually good to hear, as I feared it may be the whiskey I add to it.
Good luck to you on this venture :D

Anonymous said...

I would be very sad if I ever had to give up coke

Julie, The Wife said...

@Corey Feldman, that is AWESOME. Please don't ever give up coke. For America.

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