Thursday, September 24, 2009

Holly Holy Computer Hell

Holly Holy eyes
Dream of only you
Where I am, What I am
What I believe in
Holly Holy

I am on a religious quest to resurrect my computer from the dead. It is a Holy Computer Terror. I'm in Holly Holy Computer Hell.

Last Friday was progressing as most days do - I woke up late, unnecessarily stressed out my husband and children, had too much coffee and procrastinated my paid work. After lunch, I looked at the clock and panicked because my kids would be home in 2 hours and I hadn't yet started working. (The paid work. This does not include things like laundry, cleaning, meal preparation, bill paying, mothering, dishes and whoring, all volunteer work. But that is another column.) I sat down at my computer, and suddenly, my whole world changed.


ME: "Yeah, yeah, we all have problems. So Go Already!" (Yes, I talk to inanimate objects. Really. I do.)
COMPUTER: (Pop up) "You do not have the required fonts to run this site. Click here to download fonts."
ME: "Uh, I don't think so!" (close pop up)
COMPUTER: "President Obama wants at-home moms to go back to school! Click here for information on your degree!"
ME: "Computer? You've never popped up on me before. What's going on?"
COMPUTER: "Click here for most complete details on Kim Kardashian! Click here to make over $500K working from home! Click here to see how you can own Google!"
ME: "Kim Kardashian!?!? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!!?!"

Now I was scared. Everything was on my computer. My writing. My database and all work associated with my freelance jobs. All photos of my children. My iTunes music. Since it is Neil Diamond Month, I turned to Neil for divine guidance. While I am a Methodist and Neil is Jewish, I feel that despite our differences, he has some kind of other-worldly power that I am willing to tap. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

ME: "Neil! My computer seems to be dying! What do I do?"
NEIL: "Well baby, did you do any backup? You should always back up your hard drive! Holly Holy, woman, do you know nothing?!"
ME: "Yes! Yes, we did back up the computers! Thank you, Oh Soulful One! But it was two weeks ago, and I just downloaded all of our family photos since Christmas about three days ago and wrote the first half of my Pulitzer Prize-winning novel. What can I do?"
NEIL: "I think you're going to have to dig, dig deep into your spiritual font and find a holy spot to pray for your computer recovery. You need to sing. Sing a song. Sing a song of songs. Sing it out! Yeah!"

With a shake of his tight satin-swathed hips, my computer was fixed. It was a miracle.

Call the sun in the dead of the night
And the sun's gonna rise in the sky.
Touch a man who can't walk upright
And that lame man, he's gonna fly

Okay, there was no miracle. No lame man started to fly. No sun rose in the dead of night. Neil Diamond did not show up in a Geek Squad car in a sequined yarmulke and touch his divine, soulful finger to my keyboard to reboot my life. I summoned Current Husband (CH) over from his computer.

ME: "Come here. I think I have a virus."
CH: "No you don't. You just don't have enough memory."
ME: "There is a McAfee pop up that says I have three Trojan viruses."
CH: "It's wrong. You don't have a virus."
ME: "Instead of e-mail I am getting messages about how Quad Cities Women Are Losing Belly Fat, and How To Meet Local Single Men Who Fix Computers. Click here."
CH: "GAH!" He stops working and comes to my side of the table, where in a few keystrokes he has the computer telling him things. "See - your computer has no memory, McAfee doesn't have enough room to run, and now MSN did an unnecessary upgrade and your computer sees it as a virus."
ME: "But is says it has a virus. Shouldn't I listen when it says it has a virus?"
CH: "No, you should listen to me when I say it doesn't."

So here I am. I've been forced to uninstall iTunes. I've taken all photo-related software off of the computer. I now have 30% free space on my hard drive. And yet, I can Find Out How To Buy Foreclosed Homes in My Area, or Meet Other Desperate Singles Within 100 Miles, or Get A Degree in Animal Husbandry Online, but I cannot get my work database to open and I'm not getting all of the e-mails I should. It doesn't bring me flowers, it doesn't sing me love songs. I am screwed.

I don't need Neil. I don't need Geek Squad. I don't need a degree in Animal Husbandry. I do need CH, but he's washed his hands of me for now. I need a priest.

Holly Holy Sh*t. I am going to have to buy a new laptop.


Ann Dillow Crowley said...

You are brilliant! Steph gave me your blog.... and the fact that it is Neil month... you need to email me at my address below. I have met Neil many times and have anecdotes for you!
Ann Dillow

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