Friday, April 16, 2010

News Report From Dayton

WHO:  Me.  Again.
WHAT:  Undercover report from Erma Bombeck Writing Conference
WHERE:  Dayton, Ohio
WHEN: Friday, April 16, 11:38 p.m.
WHY:  Because the Bombecks are making me apologize.

Something you all need to know if you are going to read this blog - there are rules.  Actually there is one rule, and this is the ONLY rule on A Day In the Wife:  
Remember I am an entertainer, not an historian.
(As an aside, it always bothers me that it is grammatically correct to say "an" before historian, because I say the H.  I just want to state for the record that I WANT to say "A" historian, but my fingers, which do the actual typing, won't let me.)

I've met two of Erma Bombeck's children, Betsy and Matt, and her daughter-in-law and her granddaughter Eva, who, other than Oldest Daughter, is the smartest seventh grader I've ever met.  She is getting up, taking the microphone, and asking questions at the seminars!  It is so flippin' cute.  Erma would be proud.

So her family members pulled me aside today and said they heard about my 1960's housewife-LSD-Florence blog post, and they asked that I keep the conference classy by not saying such things are going on here.  (They didn't really say that, but I didn't feel like blogging about Jello molds tonight, so lying is easier than being creative.  You can always rely on the fact that I will lie to you, gentle reader.)

  • FACT:  I'm at the Erma Bombeck Writing Conference in Dayton, OH.
  • FACT:  It's actually a writing conference, with real writers and such.
  • FACT:  No one is wearing polyester that I'm aware of, unless it's a blend.
  • FACT:  I didn't tell anyone "That's how we do it in the Quad Cities", although I must admit that I'm DESPERATE to do so.
 So now that you have the facts, I am going to keep this classy and tell you what is really going on:  This is a total Cougar Fest.  The male authors are falling all over themselves to bed these older, experienced women, and I say "Why not?"  We have more experience sexually than most of them do, and hey, we're funny.  If we weren't funny, or had delusions we are funny, we wouldn't be here.  Funny women are confident women, and I found that male authors were constantly trying to punch their Cougar Card with me.

Case in point:   Mo Rocca.
Some of you know Mo from The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.  Some of you know Mo from PBS's Wishbone.  Some of you know him as a regular contributor to NPR's "Wait Wait Don't Tell Me" and CBS Sunday Morning.  Sunday Morning is here to purportedly film a bit for their show, but I think it's all a cover-up for their Cougar Hunting.

So Mo (I call him that now because we are friends) approached me and we had a conversation.  It became obvious he was totally hitting on me.  

MO:  "Hey, I graduated from Harvard the same year you graduated from Iowa State.  Isn't that cool?" 
ME:  "Um, sure.  How much have you made since you graduated?
MO:  "Probably around $200 million dollars.  How about you?"

ME:  "$1, 443.25.  But I've passed three human beings through my vagina."
MO:  "That is so hot.  I was totally drawn to your turkey gobbler chin.  Not all women have those.  May I put my arm around you and make an expression like you have a knife in my side, and then I will take you to your room in the Marriott and make sweet sweet love to you?"
ME:  "Sorry Mo, but the best thing I got from Iowa State was Current Husband. This cougar is taken.  But I would love to take a picture.  Do you mind if I pretend to look fatter than you?"
MO:  "Absolutely not.  I'm just sorry I'm 20 years too late."

Throwing my white person gang sign.
 Then I went to Christian Lander's seminar on his blog-to-book sensation, "Stuff White People Like".  He, too, tried to bed me, saying that he could tell I was a bit psychotic from my stalking of him, and that I seem to have a strangely attractive super-long thumb, but I shut him down as well, saying that CH is the only 5'9" man I need.

 He is throwing Canadian gang signs, I am throwing white person gang signs.  Blogger Danny Gallagher is in the back, playing the part of the guy who pops up in photos and makes Muppet faces.

Then I met the mayor of Dayton, Ohio, who heard I was in town and came to formally welcome me by buying two Blue Moons and getting me slightly inebriated for the conference dinner.  Apparently they try to get everyone intoxicated, thus the town slogan, "Get Drunk in Dayton".
 The Mayor of Dayton also throws white gang signs.

Okay, this is actually one of my sorority sisters from the Chi O house at Iowa State.  Isn't it cool that she's the mayor of Dayton, Ohio?  Today was "Casual Day" in city government, part of the budget cutting procedures.  That, and firing teachers.  The gentleman behind us is giving himself the Heimlich maneuver, but the Mayor saw his suffering and ran over and saved his life.  It was a truly inspirational moment.

So that is the scoop.  I have three more seminars tomorrow, and then I drive back to the Quad Cities, bringing all of the culture and knowledge I can steal from Dayton, Ohio, and delivering it back to Iowa.  It's like taking candy from a baby.


Wendy Ramer said...

I am such a sucker. I hate when that happens, but I'll forgive you. In fact, tomorrow morning's post will prove it since I've just given you another award. BTW, loved the conversation with Mo!

RubyTwoShoes said...

Good work on the CL stalking front - a gang signs photo, wild times once again!

Tracy P said...

Love the music to go with the News Report from Dayton! It's the little things that I am impressed with (and because I have no idea how to do that). Great picture of you and Kari!

Erin said...

Loved this post....and QC, Iowa?? If so, we are neighbors....I'm in Iowa city, Iowa. It's small world.....after all.....okay enough singing for tonight

Julie, The Wife said...

@Erin - yes, and I love Iowa City! Your site is so cute, and I personally love the monkey pics.

Anonymous said...

Don't know what I expected, but was surprised that my gender (not age) was so poorly represented among the participants at the EBWW last weekend. Now home and inspired, I've spent that last two days skim-reading numerous varied blogs looking for juicy bits. The search is a success and you've been seriously bookmarked. You're hilarious and I can now more cheerfully get on with my life. Thanks!


Kelsey said...

Too funny.

I went to the past two Erma's but not this one. Everything I did this weekend I was all like, "I wonder what's happening at Erma right now."

Being of the male gender and a mere 31 years of age, I've always enjoyed hanging with the Cougs. Actually the one thing from the conference I didn't miss: talking about menopause.

I have nothing to add to that conversation.

Still, I always enjoy myself at the conference, although my cheeks (both sets) get pinched a little too often. I regret that I didn't come this year. Maybe I'll see you in 2012. I'll be 33 then. Yikes!

Jamie Tighe said...

That was fantastic!!!!!!!! The best part was out three-way private meeting with the one-eyed monster himself.

aleigh said...

Whoopsie! Busted by the Bombecks, eh? At least you know your blog is infiltrating writer royalty!

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