Thursday, September 30, 2010

It's Whoreticulture Friday!
Issue 43

Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygiene mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word "culture". Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology. Whoreticulture Friday is not for children. Or squeamish people. Or Mother-In-Laws. Or people I work with. Because there are many things I don't need you people to know about me. SO STOP READING, CO-WORKERS. You know who you are.

Today's topic: Pussy Galore

So I've been bitching a lot about the move, and in particular, about the pack of feral cats roaming the hood.  Lest you think I'm exaggerating, I'm posting pictures, so you doubters can just stick that in your litter box and scoop it.

  Where's Waldo?  He was eaten by one of the 
eight cats in this picture, taken of my neighbor's patio.

Another pic of neighbor patio - there are 11 cats in this photo, 
and one statue of a rabbit, all nestled in the fake spring 
flowers.  Mind you, my neighbor does not 
OWN a cat, but feeds 20 a day. 

 Youngest Daughter looks at the three cats under my van, 
while George the Superpet thinks, "Will I eat it under the van?  
Can I eat it from a can?  I would not, should not eat the cat, 
but will anyway, Dog I Am"

"But Julie, What does all of this have to do with Whoreticulture Friday?" you might ask.  I'm glad you brought that up.  

  Most cats.

 My cats.  

Most cats sing, "Memory."

My cats sing, "Me So Horny."

My cats are whores.  While most cats will meow, mine are Bangkok prostitutes in cat suits rubbing up against my van purring, "Me love you long time!"  Apparently it started when one non-neutered male cat moved into the neighborhood with a family who believes their un-neutered pets should run free.  Then two other neighbors with non-spayed female cats, also the freedom types, met Puff Kitty, and they had two litters of non-fixed cats, who inbred with each other, and so on, and so on, and so on....
One of my neighbors, who is a lovely sweet woman with a minor QVC problem, told me that she has given away over 60 kittens in the last year.  You heard me.  SIXTY. KITTENS.  The woman across the street, while shooting dirty looks at the neighbor's house who brought in the male, tells me that she feeds them because she can't let them starve, but that she is going to start trapping them to send to the pound because she can't afford to feed 20 cats a day.  That's right.  It's open season on pussy in my hood.  And this is why I'm going back on the pill.  Because I am starting to worry that I will end up pregnant and drop a litter of tabbies.

So there you have it.  My house was full of beagle hair, but my neighborhood is full of Pussy Galore.  And it's forcing me to down my martinis shaken, not stirred.

Happy Whoreticulture Friday!  Have a great weekend!


Boonie S said...

This looks like a cat-alogue of cat-astrophes. It sounds cat-aclysmic. Fortunately George SP is being dogmatic about it. He's no pussy, uh!
Thanks for this fun post.

Have a nice day, Boonie

Toni said...

You make me love Fridays even more. The Bangkok prostitute bit made me choke on my cucumber and cream cheese sandwiches!

Farmers Wifey said...

I hate cats..I do, however adore beagles, being a mum of two for 15 years..

Brittany said...

Yick. Wish you could send a few my way, though. We've got a mouse we cannot get rid of, and damn it if he didn't just eat all the peanut butter out of the trap I set for him last night. I'll bet your new neighborhood is remarkably free of rodents...

GrandeMocha said...

Our vet will spay/neuter strays for a discount so they can be released back to the hood & not breed. Maybe you & the old ladies can work together on it.

GrandeMocha said...

I've missed you! Thanks for the laugh.

Anonymous said...

Maybe you can sue the previous owners for not disclosing that on the house forms. The greater crime is the fake flowers on the neighbor's patio.


International Woman of Mystery said...

That's insane! I can't believe the picture of 11 cats. Kind of irresponsible of the neighbors. If they have un-neutered and non-spayed cats, they should deal with the kittens. I feel bad for the poor lady who feels she needs to feed them all.

But George the Superpet must be loving it!

International Woman of Mystery said...

By the way, I love your blog, so I've given it a Lovely Blog Award. Stop by when you get a chance!

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