Friday, September 3, 2010

It's Whoreticulture Friday!
Issue 41

Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygiene mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word "culture". Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology. Whoreticulture Friday is not for children. Or squeamish people. Or Mother-In-Laws. Or people I work with. Because there are many things I don't need you people to know about me.  SO STOP READING, CO-WORKERS.  You know who you are.

Today's topic: Wet Spanks

This has been a busy week, what with the big Bloggyversary and all, and I have other news that I'll write about on Sunday night (NO I AM NOT PREGNANT.  It is a well known fact that you generally need to have sex to get pregnant, and unfortunately Current Husband and I are too tired to tolerate each other naked much lately.)  So we're boring.  In fact, maybe we need to spice things up a little.  This is where the wet spanks come in.

Mom, why don't you stop reading here and step outside for another cigarette.  You, too, boss lady.  And anyone who works with me.  This will traumatize you.

So I start this job, and now I can't have nooners.  But CH and I still want some together time, so we schedule a lunch together, because maybe later it will seem like foreplay.  And if it doesn't end in sex, at least I get a Quizno's Turkey Bacon Guacamole for lunch, with the biggest Diet Coke I can wrap my mitts around.  
The Diet Coke bong.
I don't even know where to credit this,
but I think it's hilarious.
And how I actually drink my Diet Coke.

So CH and I eat our sandwiches, but we both know we are having a nooner, except by eating instead of actually having sex.  You'd be surprised how sexy a Turkey Bacon Guac can be to eat.  Really.  You'd be surprised.  Because it's not that sexy to watch your wife cram a whole sandwich in her mouth and moan...but then again, MAYBE IT IS.  There are guys on the Internet who would pay big money to watch that kind of thing.
You know you want me.
And no, this technically ISN'T a TBGuacamole.
Because those sandwiches are NOT on the 500 calorie menu.

So in an effort to be sexy (and quench my thirst), I suck down most of that Diet Coke and refill.  CH and I wink and murmur sexy things to each other, like "Have a nice day" and "Are you picking up the kids?" and "You have guacamole on your shirt", shake hands, and walk our separate ways.  I'm only a few blocks from work, so I hoof it in my heels, drinking the remainder of my Diet Coke to get the Bacon and Guacamole out of my teeth.

I'm feeling the sexiness, and I walk past a group of construction workers, tearing up the sidewalk downtown.  I'm glad I wore my support undergarments, so they can appreciate my swagga.  I'm feeling all that, shaking my moneymaker for the boys, waiting for my wolf whistle, when I suck up the Diet Coke and it goes in the wrong tube.  I gag, choke a little, and then start coughing.

Oh God.

Here is a little math problem for y'all:  
Q: Take a 41-year-old woman, subtract three children, multiply that by 64 ounces of Diet Coke, divide the bladder by the force of gravity pulling all liquids toward the earth, and what do you get?

Do you give up?

A: Wet Spanx.

Hand to God, I'm standing in the MIDDLE of the street, legs crossed, coughing, and knowing I am slowly peeing my pants in front of the drivers and construction workers.  There were no wolf whistles that day, my friends.  I slowly, tentatively started walking toward work again, silently cursing my addiction to soda and my inability to control myself, in ANY way.  As I'm walking, I'm thinking, "Is it showing?  Was it enough to show through Spanx and these fabulous Banana Republic work pants?"

I walk up to the building where I work.  "Oh hi, Mr. HR Director.  How is your day going?  Please don't look at my crotch."  I take the back stairs to the back bathroom on the second floor, and take a look in the mirror.  Thank God, no dark spots on my pants, which would indicate that I attended a kegger at a fraternity over lunch, passed out, wet myself, and did the walk of shame back to work.  OR, CH is Just. That. Hot.

This?  This is why women need to do Kegels.  And perhaps not work outside of the home. (See the archives, Whoreticulture Friday Issue 14 for Kegel background.)  And why I need to take my own advice.  I told CH I was doing WF on wetting my pants, and his response was, "Which time?"  So let's all do them together, ladies and gentlemen....Clench.  Hold.  Release.  Repeat.

Thank you to Jes Thomas Hamer for the idea (even though you ARE a Hawkeye fan!  Oh, relax, I'm sort of kidding!).  I meant to write about that happening a month ago, and forgot until I saw your post.  I will credit you as a Whoreticulture Friday co-contributor.

So as long as you are all going to comment to get your name in the "Happy Bloggyversary Mini-Random Giveaway", tell me about your moist moments.  (Doesn't that just sound gross?  What is it about the word 'moist' that can be so revolting?  I would rather asterisk that word than f**k, but if I put m***t, people would think I meant 'mount'. Oh, the blogger's dilemmas! *she puts her hand on her forehead dramatically*)  All aboard the Tangent Train!  Next stop, Monday!  Happy Whoreticulture Friday, and have a great holiday weekend!


Mrs Woog said...

Ok so at least you did not SHART like me last week walking back from a boozy dinner with Mr Woog at the local Vietnamese. SHART. Work it out. and yes it was a slimey few blocks from home. My best pissing pants story is from my son's (then) 4th Bday party where he got a trampoline.... a bottle of vino later and my lovely BFF and I were jumping for about 1,4 seconds before we both pissed our pants fully.
Love Mrs Woog

Peruby said...

Too lazy to do the Kegels, I had the operation. Painful (at the time) but now I can laugh, cough, sneeze with the best of them. No more embarrassing accidents for me!

JBrown31 said...

My story isn't really about my own but my ex-wife.

We were on a long drive from Montreal to Halifax, with another couple; we were in the back seat. It was late at night when we were arriving in Halifax after driving thru rain for some time and as my wife woke because of the pending end of our road trip she felt moistness in her bottom region. She nervously felt and realized that her pants were pretty wet and immediately feared that she had just peed herself in the back of someone else's car. In panick she whispers into my ear that she needs me to sniff her butt to see if she indeed peed herself. Being the good husband I was I leaned down and sniffed her posterior for any scent of urine. NONE!

What had actually happened was that the car had a small leak in a wheel well which was soaking the bench seat she was sitting on, to the point that it reached her bum.

True story... which may have been shared at our wedding reception! Ha!

Courtney said...

Hi, my name is Courtney and I have peed myself. * groups says "Hiiiii Courtney".* I am 23 and my bladder is forever ruined by two 8Lb. 4Oz. kids born 15 months apart. I know all about peeing myself. I can not smile, laugh or cough or think about doing any of that without sprinkling. Recently my fiancee and I were sitting at the dinner table and I was telling him a story, ended up swallowing something wrong, choking and coughing and peeing myself. This is not unusual in my house and the Mr. thinks it is normal now!!! Bless his heart! lol thanks for sharing your story! :)

Michelle said...

Very funny! ...but don't we know someone that could fix that?

Tonya said...

Well, I had 3 c-sections,so my bladder is pretty intact, but I do have a peeing story. WHen I was 24, I went to spend a year teaching in Poland. I got sent to a very remote NE city and was put in an apartment by a non-english speaking principal and was left there for 4 days - no phone, no friends,no food. All I had was ciggies and beer..which was fine with me, but I was so anxious and freaked out that I totally peed the bed the first night - soaking my Northface sleeping bag and my itchy wool Polish couch. The kicker....I had to wash everything by hand in Poland all year...starting with my sleeping bag.

Pat said...

See Pat's picture from Chicago. I wasn't really holding up the building, but rather trying to reverse physics and make the pee from two bottles of chardonnay travel back up instead of down my leg. Damn Jimmy Buffet guitarist and RL for over serving . . . and first daughter who made me push for 3 hours and then had to get vacuumed out along with my continence. C-sections for everyone! You get good drugs!

GrandeMocha said...

And another reason 4 lb preemies are the way to go. No stitches, no stretch marks, no bladder issues.

Wendy Ramer said...

Welcome to my world.

Queen of the Rant said...

Well I had not had any moist moments until i read this post-hahahah LMFAO

Shiny said...

Seriously--I think I just peed myself at the bookstore, dying laughing reading your post! You crack me up, Girl! :)

Annah said...

Love me some kegels, do them all the time even if I'm not currently partaking in sex.

Diet Coke bong! genius!

Brooke said...

Hilarious. And the turkey bacon guacamole is my fave Quizno's sandwich.

Shirley said...

I don't pee my pants. Its more like a dribble when I sneeze and my legs aren't crossed.

Tonya said...

I want a margarita bong......

Anonymous said...

It still hurts to laugh. Oh my goodness. I'll never look at lunch the same way.

Shirley said...

One time at band camp...

ForeverRhonda said...

This is hilarious. I almost peed myself because I was just too lazy to go to the bathroom at my old job. Seriously, I was walking from the parking garage and passed 3 bathrooms on my way in...too lazy. Didn't want to set down all my stuff (huge coke included) and take my pants off. And yes I was still drinking the coke as I was dancing around to be lazy.

Maxabella said...

oh dear lord, is there no end to the humiliation we mummys have to endure????? After all that hysterical foreplay (for-play?) at the sandwich shop, I'm surprised it was only wee running down those Spanks. Did I just say that?!

Tonya said...

Is the shart for real???

SueWags said...

I pee myself all the time, of course, but my worst story is after giving birth to Gigi. It was a beautiful experience, of course, Mick caught her, love, love, love....Gigi leaves, the nurse tells me to go pee, I pee and pee and pee and pee and I look down and "HOLY CRAP!!!!! WHAT IS THAT?!?!?!?" I come back to the bed, lay down, tell Mick to "LOOK AWAY! LOOK ANYWHERE, BUT OVER HERE!!!!!" and the nurse tells me my bladder probably fell out. She puts it back and the doctor tells me I'll probably need the operation someday.

But it was SO GROSS seeing an organ hanging out of my vajayjay.

Anonymous said...

Wow. It's such a relief to know that way more people have peed themself (with or without Spanx) than I thought:

Also, you diet Coke cartoon is the work of Allie Brosh I believe. I completely dig her stuff. And yours!

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