It's Whoreticulture Friday! Issue 58

Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygiene mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word "culture". Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology. Whoreticulture Friday is not for children. Or squeamish people. Or Mother-In-Laws. Or people I work with. Or neighbors who are raising feral cats. Or the people who read this post last year.


Today's topic: Swinging.

Have you ever walked into your house and said, "Something in here smells".  Maybe no one else smells it, maybe they do, but it starts bugging you so much that you start exploring the house looking for the smell.  Tonight, my house smells like George the Superpet needs a gland expressed, or he is just waaaayyy overdue to be groomed, but I almost can't think about anything else.  It's making me crazy.  Just so you know I'm a little distracted by butt smell as I'm writing this.

I can't believe I haven't posted a Whoreticulture Friday since February 10.  I owe you all an apology.  I think it's because I took a vow of celibacy in Calcutta on Feb. 7 and it interferes with my sexual thinking.  So screw that.  Lately I've been on the listening end of some steamy gossip and it's time to chat.

Current Husband and I have lived in five different communities in the time we've been together, and lately, all I hear about is swinging everywhere we've lived.  At Urban Dictionary, the go-to source for information on Whoreticulture Friday, swinging is defined as:

A lifestyle of non-monogany where sexual relations occur outside the established couple. Swingers tend to refrain from romantic attachments with their outside partners, thus differentiating themselves from PolyAmorists. There is some overlap between the two communities, though the closeness of the comparisons are generally not acknowledged. 


This sort of freaked me out because it was so serious.  Most entries on Urban Dictionary say things like "the act of slapping a woman in the face with one's limp penis".  I grew up in the Seventies, and let me tell you, there was some swinging going on in my parents' circle of friends.  I remember a LOT of drinking, Kenny Rogers on the 8-track, disco lessons, and Wally Wilson in his tighty whiteys and nothing else, beer gut hanging out, saying "Who's the lucky woman who gets some of THIS!?!?"  My sister and I were supposed to be sleeping, but who can sleep with The Hustle blaring until 2 a.m.?  We'd sneak out of our rooms and peek over the balcony to watch the drunk adults.  Fun.  But I thought all of that sexual craziness ended with the 80's, cocaine and AIDS.  Not so.  MSNBC estimates that 2-10% of all current married couples swing.


It turns out that I must be some doily-crocheting-granny, because I think about 20% of the people I know apparently do some kind of swinging.  I've been finding out about ALL KINDS of swinging going on in different groups we've run with in different towns we've lived in.  Women flying to other cities to meet strange men they've met on the Internet for sex.  Couples having sex with partners other than their spouses in ...eww.. port-a-potties. Hubby on hubby and wife on wife, menage a tois, swapping, you name it.  ALL OF THESE ARE ACTUAL INCIDENTS THAT HAVE HAPPENED WITH PEOPLE I KNOW.  Normal people.  Who have lots of sex. With other partners.


Part of me feels relieved that I don't know about any of it, because frankly, I'm not interested.  I have enough problems.  And I have a phobia of other people's bodily fluids.  But part of me is a little insulted, like, Oh, so NONE of you wants to have sex with me?  Thanks for nothing, you discriminating little hump bunnies.  Because I have got it going ON, and you don't even know what you're missing.  I'm more flexible than I look, and just because I have to occasionally pluck hairs off my stomach and I have the double chin of someone twice my age does not mean I can't knead you like a loaf of bread.  But don't ask CH because I think he wishes the bakery was open more often lately.  Yours are the only buns I want, baby.


I don't judge the swingers - if both spouses are willing, it isn't cheating, but remember, the walls won't talk but everyone else at the party will.  CH is all the man I can handle (take me to bed now, Goose, or lose me forever!), and really?  You know you aren't going to end up with Gavin Rossdale, you are definitely going to end up with Wally Wilson in his tighty whiteys, and that is sort of a fantasy killer.  Seriously, who has the time or energy for this?


Do you think the MSNBC stat is on the money or way off base?  I'm dying to know, America.  Remember, it's in the name of science.  But there is such a thing as Too Much Information, and that's MY job, so keep it vague.


Happy Whoreticulture Friday, and have a great weekend!