Don't. Say. It.

Have you ever had a day when you wake up and discover you are out of coffee while remembering that you are on Day 2 of Another Period On Your Great March Toward Menopause and you realize you are late and still have to make the kids appealing yet nutritious lunches, only to find that the little buggers ate all the snack packs of chips over the weekend but left the big empty bag in the cabinet, thus giving the appearance that you are NOT out when you went to the grocery store the day before?  AND you forgot the coffee?

Have you ever had a day when you drove to work yawning the whole way and remembering that you are somewhat iron deficient during that time of the month and that you need to schedule both a pap smear and mammogram because they are both overdue and yours always turn out irregular, thus making you THINK you have cancer and writing goodbye letters to your family, only to thankfully find on the third test that you don't, in fact, have cancer yet, and you're so relieved that you forget to delete the letters and your husband finds them months later and thinks you're suicidal and he's totally missed all of the signs.  And then you get to work and the first middle-aged man you see says, "How's the Hooker today?" and in your mind you say, "A fucking hooker on the verge of homocide, you jackwad" but then you realize that not only have you joked about the hooker thing but that you are having your period and might black out while kicking him over and over with the steel-toed Danskos you just HAPPENED to wear to work that day and your review is next week so maybe not such a great idea?

Have you ever had a day where you shoved so much food in your mouth while thinking, "I'm having my period, I NEED THIS!" and at the same time thinking "Holy shit I'm getting fat and I'm seeing college friends in July and high school friends in November, I need to eat a tapeworm" and then saying out loud, "I'd like a Whopper Jr. and a Diet Coke...with sprinkles" and pulling ahead to pay?

Have you ever had a day when you were irrationally pissed off and could lead a co-worker who looked at you wrong around by the short hairs, making him sing "Sweet Caroline" and tell you you're Number One?  Have you ever had a day when you looked at all of your friends' vacation pictures on Facebook and then spent an hour at work researching flights to island resorts and pre-ordering your umbrella-and-pineapple laden drinks?

Have you ever had a day when you complain to your husband about your lower back pain, your bloating, your upgrade to purchasing Ultra Super Lamb size tampons, but if he was to say, "Geez, who's having their period?" you would shove the rest of your king-sized Symphony bar in your mouth and drop-kick him in the giblets? 

Or you started crying because:

• You overcooked the pasta.  
• The scanner wouldn't work for a project you need done by Thursday.  
• The dog's paws were covered in mud and he walked in the kitchen. 
• You thought about all the lonely people, and where DO they all come from?

All within a four-hour time period?

You didn't? 

Oh.  It must just be me.  Never mind.

Just two or three more days to go, then.