Thursday, June 2, 2011

It's Whoreticulture Friday!
Issue 64

Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygiene mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word "culture". Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology. Whoreticulture Friday is not for children. Or squeamish people. Or Mother-In-Laws. Or people I work with. Or neighbors who are raising feral cats.

Today's topic: The Flapper

This week, the most awesome thing happened - I got invited to an adult bris.  For you non-Jews or people who just don't get interested in things related to genital parties, a bris is the ritual circumcision of an 8-day-old baby to solidify his covenant with God, and to do as Abraham did.

Technically I am not going to a legit bris, as the man is nearly 50, he's a lapsed Catholic, and he's doing it for health reasons.  But still.  If a guy is getting his foreskin cut off and there is liquor in food involved afterward, well then Mozel Tov at the faux bris.

The only thing that's a little squirm worthy is that I wasn't aware that he is uncircumsized because I wasn't there on "Gentiles Show Their Genitals Night" in the hood, and now I have a penis visual for him.  I am not sure if I can talk to him without staring at the crotch of his pants.  I will probably be thinking,

"There's a party in your pants
and everyone's coming!"

and I'll think it so long that it will sound funny in my head and I'll blurt it out and once again realize that things that sound funny in my head are frequently not.  Funny.  (Did anyone else notice I said 'head' twice in a foreskin post?)  Perhaps I should show him a photo of my naked vagina so we are on equal footing.

Actually, the flapper shedder isn't even aware of the bris yet.  I think this is a Surprise Bris, which cranks up the novelty level.  He's just getting old and like women in menopause whose uterus falls out and dries up (It's REAL, people, check this post for reference), apparently a man's dick toupee dries up as well and can chafe and crack and cause issues that cannot be solved with a tube of Chap-Dick.  So he'll be going to outpatient on one evening, and then the next day, "SURPRISE!  We all know what your dick looks like!"  I plan to come up with a list of awkward and personal questions to ask, such as:
  1. Does your dick hurt?
  2. Does this mean you are no longer cock-blocked?
  3. Can I put some frozen peas on your pod?
  4. Was the Doctor hot?
  5. Did you save the foreskin?
  6. Can I see it? 
  7. Can I have it?  Because it would look great next to my stuffed squirrel.
I also plan to randomly shout out things at the party, like:
  2. Off With His Head!
  3. Let's all have a moment of circumcision.
  4. Sheath! Don't be tho othended.
  5. No more yanky my wanky! The Donger need food!
  6. Freebird!
My other problem?  What does one get for someone at their faux bris?  Certainly not condoms because those will just remind the penis of the foreskin that got away.  Underwear with a soft panel inside?  A hat?  I know....Liquor.

I'm thinking Southern Comfort.

And now I shall leave you with one of my favorite movie bits - it's The Penis Song, from Monty Python's Meaning of Life, sung by Eric Idle.  I've actually been known to randomly sing this at parties.


GrandeMocha said...

Love the 16 Candles joke. No more yanky my wanky! The Donger need food!

The victim doesn't know about the sugery, the party, or both? Hope he still has a sense of humor after this!

GrandeMocha said...

The ads at the bottom of the page are for "Jewish life" and how to live the "crazy Mormon life." How diverse!

Jeanette said...

You are the funniest thing ever. I'm going to sit down with a jug of wine and read your whole blog now.

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