Sunday, June 5, 2011

We Interrupt This Blog Post

School was out for my kids over a week ago, and I can tell you I haven't finished a sentence since...What?  The Twilight: Breaking Dawn preview is on the MTV Awards? ...Okay, I'm coming in to ...yes, I'll get you some cranberry juice.  But you're old enough to do it your...yes, but even if you're small, you're tall enough to reach the...yes.  Yes, I would be mad if you spilled it all over the kitchen.  I'm getting it.  I SAID I'M GETTING IT!

So Breaking Dawn has it's preview clip, and I'm all excited except it doesn't come out until November, and that isn't nearly soon enough for...What?  No, boys don't have maiden names.  Even if they're vampires.  Edward's name was Masen.  When he was a human.  Now it's Cullen because of Carlisle.  I guess it's like a maiden name, but Edward isn't a maiden.  It was just his name before he was a vampire.  Because that was his name.  Because Carlisle's name is Cullen, and he's the leader.  It's like Carlisle adopted him.  No, it wasn't a maiden name.  I see your logic, but it...Oh for Christ's sake, it was his maiden name!  No! You cannot have any more cranberry juice!

And this pretty much sums up my summer so far.

I've done so much time answering the Mom Crisis Hotline in the past two years that I started thinking I have a hearing problem.  I truly could only hear about half of what they were saying, and then it trailed off into the ether.  I would squint (because isn't that the LOGICAL thing to do when one can't hear?) and tilt my head and say, "What? I can't hear you!" and the offending family member would roll their eyes and sigh and loudly repeat what they said.  I actually went to an audiologist about a week ago to get my hearing tested. 

I went into the office, and the audiologist called me back into a tiny room full of toys with a window in it.  I noticed right away that she is a big enunciator and a power smiler.  She indicated that I should sit in the kindergarten chair and explained that she will do the beeps in my ears and I should raise my hand if I can hear it, and then she is going to say words and I should repeat them.  She then had me put on my Disney character earphones and the testing began.

I kept thinking I was hearing beeps, so I just kept throwing my hands in the air (and waving them like I just don't care).  Then she had me repeat words.
HER: "Apple"
ME:  "Apple"
HER:  "Seashell"
ME:  "Seashell"
HER:  "Hypochondriac"
ME:  "Hypo...what the hell!?"

She walked out of the booth, smiling, and showed me a chart. I took this as a sign to remove my Disney headphones.  "Here is normal hearing - this line right here.  Here are your scores, and you can see that they are all significantly above that line.  So your hearing is fine.  If you still think you are having problems, call us in six months."  She stopped and smiled at me.

"'re saying my hearing is actually above average?"  I asked in disbelief.

"Yes."  She continued to smile.  "Thanks for coming in. Have a great day!"

I went home and shared my results with my family.  "Okay people, not only do I NOT have a hearing problem, I am a GIFTED listener.  So you all need to quit mumbling and talking to me while I'm vaccuming or standing next to the running dishwasher or while I'm on the phone with someone else before you convince me that I'm completely insane!"

Current Husband looks at the kids, and then looks at me and says, "Well mmmmmmrphm do that muurphgringler." And they all start laughing.  I'm thinking, "was that a joke or have they all purposely been fucking with me for over a year?"  I still don't know for sure.

What's that honey?  I'm blogging.  I'm not sure, I checked the account on Friday.  You want me to check RIGHT NOW?  Sure, I'm all over it.  Yep.  Still the same balance as on Friday.  No, they don't change anything over the weekend.  I didn't understand any of your words after "a thousand".  No, my hearing is fine, you have to speak up.

This is my first summer working full time in five years, and I'll be honest with you, it sucks balls.  If I hadn't been off the last five years being the Head Counselor at Camp Kidlet, I wouldn't probably notice so much, but now when I get up in the morning and drink my coffee and look outside and feel those warm summery breezes, I think, "Damn, I could have been home hanging out with the kids today."  Even though they never let me finish a sentence and they are giving me early onset Alzheimers and making me think I have a hearing problem, I still miss them during the day.  Because even if they are crazy, they are MY KIND OF CRAZY. 

What?  I already tucked you...but we went over that already.  Okay.  Okay, I'm coming in.  What?  I can't hear you.  No, you can't have any more cranberry juice.


Craftwhack said...

Too late, but you probably could have not told them your real hearing results and used your ears as an excuse to IGNORE everyone.....

Kris said...

Absolutely hilarious - and pretty much what I have to look forward to this summer! I'm lucky to work only part-time, though, and off by around 9am each day. :)

GrandeMocha said...

I think Craftwhack has the right idea.

Maria said...

Amen, sister. Amen.

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