I just re-read the title of this post and thought, "Yeah, I WISH I was on the Edge!" I know he's old, but I'd still tap that.
I just re-read the sentence above and thought, "I wonder if Current Husband will get uptight about that?", particularly considering that I've been gone since 6 a.m. last Tuesday morning and he theoretically hasn't been laid. Not that me being around means he's getting laid, but that's all going to change soon. I'll explain in a later post. Probably Whoreticulture Friday material.
Wait...what was I talking about? Oh yeah, how I'm going fucking crazy in Vermont. Not even a bored kind of crazy, but a coming-unhinged kind of crazy. It's nothing personal against Vermont. Vermont is a sharp dresser and has great hygiene and is very well-mannered. But I've been here ALONE since last Tuesday, and I'm ready to go all Kanye West on this Taylor Swift state. It's quaint and lovely and bucolic, but there is no Starbucks to be seen, and the adorable shops are not open when the hooker convention is over, so I can only stare and drool.
The hookers are great, and funny, artistic people. One woman I overheard this week said, "Be warned, I have a big mouth and thin skin." I need that on a t-shirt. Another woman, who is in her sixties, said, "I don't want to call my husband stupid; let's just say he's mentally incapacitated." I love her. I could show you a Shutterfly album of pictures of amazing rugs, but the one that really stood out to me is one called "Aries Woman". It is an unusual piece in that it is very modern and is hooked by someone under the age of 50, a gal named Mariah Krauss here in Vermont. Check it out:
This is hooked with at least 20 different shades of red, and is hooked with hand-dyed wool that is about 3/32 of an inch wide. Here is a close-up of one part of it:
Look at that - yes, all of those bumps are hand dyed and hooked 3/32 of an inch pieces of wool. All kidding aside, it blows my mind, the time it took to hand dye all of that wool in all of the perfect shades and draw the pattern and cut the wool and then to actually hook it and then steam it and mount it...WOW. Here is her description:
Thanks for letting me geek out there for a bit. So even though the hookers are fun, I'm with them from 10 a.m. until 5 p.m. Then I grab something to eat and I'm back in the hotel room for the rest of the night until I go to sleep at midnight, because there is nothing open after 5 p.m. Sitting in bed with a Subway Steak and Cheese, a plastic tumbler of white wine, and unlimited, uninterrupted tv viewing for the night? Sure, it's fun for the first night or two, but by Night Five and over 20 hours of HGTV and some History Channel and a few misguided hours with VH1 I was ready to take sleeping pills.
I'm flying out tomorrow and as I type I'm watching a film biography on Woody Allen, which would be interesting if he hadn't screwed Mia Farrow over by getting it on with their adopted daughter. He's all smart and funny and talented, blah blah blah, and I just keep thinking "You MF'er, you did it with your kid!" Soon Yi might not have techinically been his legal daughter, but he did technically take Polaroids of her naked, and she was in the "Child" camp in their house, so sorry Woody, that makes you a pedophile in my book
I'm ready to get home. Even if it means I go back to my previous role as a vending machine and coordinator of rides and social activities and laundry. I'll be able to sleep in my bed and shower in my presumably still dirty bathroom and see my kids and go see Breaking Dawn. (Even though I found out that Oldest Daughter saw it today without me, and I forgive her even if she cheated on us.) I'm looking forward to it.