Thursday, May 10, 2012

Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygiene mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word "culture". Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology. Whoreticulture Friday is not for children. Or squeamish people. Or Mother-In-Laws. Or people I work with. Or anyone who lives within 10 miles of me. Or parents of my children's friends. Or people with latex fetishes.

Today's topic: Fifty Shades of CH

For the past week, I've been on blogging hiatus while I check out porn.  LIKE ALL OF THE OTHER GOOD MOMS AT MY KIDS' SCHOOLS.  Don't give me that look, Ms. Soccer Mom.  I know you've been all tingly with bondage tales.  The windows in your Sienna are all steamed up.  As a writer of a Whoreticulture blog, it's irresponsible for me NOT to know what is going on in the playrooms of America, and therefore I am required to read these tomes.  For you.  For those of you who have not read Fifty Shades, here is the synopsis:

"When literature student Anastasia Steele goes to interview young entrepreneur Christian Grey, she encounters a man who is beautiful, brilliant, and intimidating. The unworldly, innocent Ana is startled to realize she wants this man and, despite his enigmatic reserve, finds she is desperate to get close to him. Unable to resist Ana’s quiet beauty, wit, and independent spirit, Grey admits he wants her, too—but on his own terms.

Shocked yet thrilled by Grey’s singular erotic tastes, Ana hesitates. For all the trappings of success—his multinational businesses, his vast wealth, his loving family—Grey is a man tormented by demons and consumed by the need to control. When the couple embarks on a daring, passionately physical affair, Ana discovers Christian Grey’s secrets and explores her own dark desires.
Erotic, amusing, and deeply moving, the Fifty Shades Trilogy is a tale that will obsess you, possess you, and stay with you forever."

That last part?  I'm going to call a Bullshit Foul.  This will not obsess you, possess you, or stay with you forever.  It will shock you, mostly with the poor writing and repetition of cause and effect scenarios, and honestly, I'm now flipping through the sex parts until it says, "Come, Ana, give it to me!" and then she "shatters into a million pieces" for her orgasm, so I can get back to the story.  Because didn't we ALL come EVERY SINGLE TIME during the two or three times a day we were having sex within the first two months of losing our virginity?  And experimenting with butt plugs?  Exactly.  Since this is Every Woman's story, I'm going to give it to you, baby, Wifer Style.

PRESENTING.....Fifty Shades of CH

I walked into the smoky bar at Iowa State University, and I saw him.  Of course, I tripped and stumbled because I'm incredibly beautiful and smart, but just can't seem to keep my balance!  He was prematurely balding and drinking a beer while playing pool.  The way he held both his pool cue and his beer was a testament to his ability to use both hands.  I was intrigued.  He looked past me while my roommate introduced me to him.
"Hi," I said.
"Hey," he said.  And then I lost my balance and put my butt right against the front of his jeans.  Oh!  How embarrassing.  Now I'm going to have to have sex with him. 
He controlled the timetable, because he was the dominant in our relationship, and he had just ordered another pitcher of beer and had four more quarters on the pool table.  He masterfully hit his balls all over the table, thrusting the stick against the balls again and again until they slammed into the pocket.  My inner goddess was thirsty and my inner harpy was reminding me that I needed to be at my internship at the Des Moines Register early the next day.  I left with my roommate, leaving Master and I both unfulfilled.  A dark shadow passed in front of his eyes, and I felt myself filling with an unease that was making me both wary of him and willing to let him lock me up in various bondage cuffs and spreaders.  Then I realized someone was doing shadow puppets with their hands in front of his face, and it wasn't really his eyes, because who actually sees emotions flit around in someone's pupils?
I did stumble into bed with this domineering, smart (ass), successful (Scrabble playing), wealthy (with information), God-like(ing), (remote) controlling man, and then I tripped down the aisle into marriage.  After numerous occasions of some very hardcore, Missionary style 20-minute sex sessions, I became pregnant with our first child.  She was born every inch the smart, beautiful, clumsy person as her mom (and will get an internship at a publishing house and unexpectedly rise up to take over the senior acquisitions editor job from her boss within two weeks when he is dismissed for trying to have sex with her) and as soon as she was born, SCREECH!  All of that crazy bondage sex was over.
Oh are a mystery to me still.  You are like a cocktail weenie wrapped in croissant dough with Velveeta on top - so hot, a fast snack, and bad for my thighs.  I see you, and get all aroused about how you don't mow the yard.  You see me, and your blood gets all tingly because I murmur sexily about how I do everything around the house while you watch TV.  And the fucking.  Oh, the fucking.  Let me count the ways:
"Let the fucking dog out!"
"Why do I have to make the fucking coffee??!"
"What's this $75 charge at your fucking hair place!?"
"Is there another fucking orchestra concert THIS week too?"
"Will NO ONE fold this fucking laundry!"
Mmmm.  I'm getting hot just thinking about it.  No really.  I'm getting hot.  Will you get your fucking leg off of me?  Thanks. 
The End. 
I know, right?  It makes you want to go have sex with someone!  Now get crazy and take your panties off to go grocery shopping!  It's totally acceptable now.  You're welcome, America.
Happy Whoreticulture Friday, and have a great weekend.


Anonymous said...

AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME. I have been laughing my ass off. Perfect! Thank you.

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