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Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygiene mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word culture. Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology. Whoreticulture Friday is not for children. Or squeamish people. Or Mother-In-Laws.
Today's topic: Celebrity Marriages.
"I always just hoped that, that I'd meet some nice friendly girl, like the look of her, hope the look of me didn't make her physically sick, then pop the question and... um... settle down and be happy. It worked for my parents. Well, apart from the divorce and all that!"
- Tom, Four Weddings and a FuneralI'm sorry, men, but in the words of the poet Jon Bon Jovi, you give love a bad name. Celebrity husbands? I'm talking to you. Is it a particular plague among celebrity husbands, or is it just that no one cares enough that Phil McCracken of Dubuque, Iowa, is screwing around to put it on the cover of People? Does Joe Blow screw around as much as your average Hollywood husband or wife? This question, coupled with my obsession with Girl Scout cookies and therefore acid reflux, is what keeps me awake at night. (Really, it's the cookies. I know lots of people cheat.)
Sandra Bullock is only the latest Hollywood wife to discover her husband has been burning the coal in someone else's furnace. Before her Brad left Jennifer for Angelina and Reese caught Ryan with Abbie and Sadie caught Jude with Sienna (who caught him with the nanny) and Uma caught Ethan with Ryan (who was the nanny) and Halle caught Eric with everyone. Let's not forget Elin or Vanessa Bryant in sports or Elizabeth Edwards and Silda Spitzer and Jenny Sanford and Mrs. Larry Craig and Mrs. James McGreevey and Mrs. Bill Clinton....Really. I could go on forever.
Famous women caught cheating on their men...um, maybe Madonna and A-Rod? Farrah left Lee Majors for Ryan O'Neal? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
To right this wrong, I have developed a simple multiple choice test for women to give their famous husbands. Answered honestly, I think it will save some heartache. You're welcome, Hollywood.
1. You ask me on a date. You:
a) Ask me if I want to stay in or go out.
b) Take me to In 'n Out Burger.
c) Say you'd like to screw my sister.
2. While dating, I have to leave town for work. You:
a) Read Jane Austen's "Sense and Sensibility"
b) Take a class in sensitivity.
c) Watch the porn movie "Scents and Spankability"
3. We decide to marry. You propose:
a) In Paris.
b) On the beach.
c) an open marriage.
4. As a hobby, you:
a) drink screwdrivers.
b) like carpentry.
c) screw everything.
5. When you text me, you sometimes:
a) send me links to funny videos.
b) tell me you love me.
c) call me the wrong name.
6. Your favorite drink is:
a) A daquiri
b) Whiskey, neat
c) Beer bong between the stripper's tits
7. Your biggest personal problem is:
a) Organization
b) Communication
c) Herpes
If he answers A to most of these questions, he might be gay. Best to keep him as a movie or shopping date for a while. If he answers C, YOU fail for keeping him around this long. Jesse James? You had me. You were the poster boy for not judging people by their looks, or their tattoos, or their porn-star ex-wives. You start playing around with tattooed biker chicks for a little fun, and next thing you know:
You're guilty conscience is forcing you to make bad fashion choices.
That's right, Jesse. You earned those overalls. Perhaps regular pants irritate the sores. Even Larry the Cable Guy is saying, "Hey man, just because we dress alike DOESN'T mean we have anything in common!"
Perhaps what these men really need to do is not get married. They aren't doing women any favors by marrying them. Honestly? Sandra Bullock has other options. And who wouldn't want to be with Jen? (Hmm. Okay, bad example. But she seems like a really fun girlfriend! Take ME to Cabo, Jen!) But Reese, Uma, Halle, Elin, heck, even Hillary could hook up with someone else.
I understand that good people cheat. I completely see how people get from Point A to Point B. I get it that if you're feeling down and troubled a la James Taylor, and someone approaches you at just the right time and tells you how amazing you are when your partner doesn't seem to notice, you will be tempted to stray. But as the child of a marriage with adultery, can I propose that if you can't be loyal and true, then don't stay married. Period. And if you do get married, and then repeatedly cheat, I hope you get potato salad in your pants. You may still be a good person, but you deserve the itches.
And Jesse? I hope you really enjoy your time in the garage, because I think you're going to be tuning your own engine for a while. Let me suggest another quote from Four Weddings and a Funeral for your next relationship:
Happy Whoreticulture Friday! Have a great weekend!
EIGHT HOURS LATER: When God gives you a gift, like Jennifer Love Hewitt vajazzaling, and you don't use it? Well that's just a crime. I will discuss the hiring of someone to vajazzle you on Monday.
EIGHT HOURS LATER: When God gives you a gift, like Jennifer Love Hewitt vajazzaling, and you don't use it? Well that's just a crime. I will discuss the hiring of someone to vajazzle you on Monday.
