Thursday, March 25, 2010

It's Whoreticulture Friday! Issue 21

Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygiene mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word culture. Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology. Whoreticulture Friday is not for children. Or squeamish people. Or Mother-In-Laws.

Today's topic: Celebrity Marriages.

"I always just hoped that, that I'd meet some nice friendly girl, like the look of her, hope the look of me didn't make her physically sick, then pop the question and... um... settle down and be happy. It worked for my parents. Well, apart from the divorce and all that!"
- Tom, Four Weddings and a Funeral
I'm sorry, men, but in the words of the poet Jon Bon Jovi, you give love a bad name.  Celebrity husbands?  I'm talking to you.  Is it a particular plague among celebrity husbands, or is it just that no one cares enough that Phil McCracken of Dubuque, Iowa, is screwing around to put it on the cover of People?  Does Joe Blow screw around as much as your average Hollywood husband or wife?  This question, coupled with my obsession with Girl Scout cookies and therefore acid reflux, is what keeps me awake at night.  (Really, it's the cookies.  I know lots of people cheat.)

Sandra Bullock is only the latest Hollywood wife to discover her husband has been burning the coal in someone else's furnace.  Before her Brad left Jennifer for Angelina and Reese caught Ryan with Abbie and Sadie caught Jude with Sienna (who caught him with the nanny) and Uma caught Ethan with Ryan (who was the nanny) and Halle caught Eric with everyone.  Let's not forget Elin or Vanessa Bryant in sports or Elizabeth Edwards and Silda Spitzer and Jenny Sanford and Mrs. Larry Craig and Mrs. James McGreevey and Mrs. Bill Clinton....Really.  I could go on forever.

Famous women caught cheating on their, maybe Madonna and A-Rod?  Farrah left Lee Majors for Ryan O'Neal?  Anyone?  Anyone?  Bueller?

To right this wrong, I have developed a simple multiple choice test for women to give their famous husbands.  Answered honestly, I think it will save some heartache.  You're welcome, Hollywood.

1.  You ask me on a date.  You:
a) Ask me if I want to stay in or go out.
b) Take me to In 'n Out Burger.
c) Say you'd like to screw my sister.

2.  While dating, I have to leave town for work.  You:
a) Read Jane Austen's "Sense and Sensibility"
b) Take a class in sensitivity.
c) Watch the porn movie "Scents and Spankability"

3.  We decide to marry.  You propose:
a) In Paris.
b) On the beach.
c) an open marriage.

4.  As a hobby, you:
a) drink screwdrivers.
b) like carpentry.
c) screw everything.

5.  When you text me, you sometimes:
a) send me links to funny videos.
b) tell me you love me.
c) call me the wrong name.

6. Your favorite drink is:
a) A daquiri
b) Whiskey, neat
c) Beer bong between the stripper's tits

7.  Your biggest personal problem is:
a) Organization
b) Communication
c) Herpes

If he answers A to most of these questions, he might be gay.  Best to keep him as a movie or shopping date for a while.  If he answers C, YOU fail for keeping him around this long.  Jesse James?  You had me.  You were the poster boy for not judging people by their looks, or their tattoos, or their porn-star ex-wives.  You start playing around with tattooed biker chicks for a little fun, and next thing you know:
 You're guilty conscience is forcing you to make bad fashion choices.  
That's right, Jesse.  You earned those overalls.  Perhaps regular pants irritate the sores.  Even Larry the Cable Guy is saying, "Hey man, just because we dress alike DOESN'T mean we have anything in common!"

Perhaps what these men really need to do is not get married.  They aren't doing women any favors by marrying them.  Honestly?  Sandra Bullock has other options.  And who wouldn't want to be with Jen?  (Hmm.  Okay, bad example.  But she seems like a really fun girlfriend!  Take ME to Cabo, Jen!)  But Reese, Uma, Halle, Elin, heck, even Hillary could hook up with someone else.

I understand that good people cheat.  I completely see how people get from Point A to Point B.  I get it that if you're feeling down and troubled a la James Taylor, and someone approaches you at just the right time and tells you how amazing you are when your partner doesn't seem to notice, you will be tempted to stray.  But as the child of a marriage with adultery, can I propose that if you can't be loyal and true, then don't stay married.  Period.  And if you do get married, and then repeatedly cheat, I hope you get potato salad in your pants.  You may still be a good person, but you deserve the itches.

And Jesse?  I hope you really enjoy your time in the garage, because I think you're going to be tuning your own engine for a while.  Let me suggest another quote from Four Weddings and a Funeral for your next relationship:
"Charles:  Let me ask you one thing. Do you think - after we've dried off, after we've spent lots more time together - you might agree *not* to marry me? And do you think not being married to me might maybe be something you could consider doing for the rest of your life?
Carrie:  I do."
Happy Whoreticulture Friday!  Have a great weekend!
EIGHT HOURS LATER:  When God gives you a gift, like Jennifer Love Hewitt vajazzaling, and you don't use it?  Well that's just a crime.  I will discuss the hiring of someone to vajazzle you on Monday.


Anne said...

Oh no you hadn't better don't!
Vajazzle your vajayjay?! Yeah, you can't skip over that one. It's fun to say, and apparrently also fun to do.

Let's roll with this--I see an opportunity for a spinoff: 'Vajazzersizing' could snaz up boring old kegel exercises (which, let's face it, are in serious need of rebranding). They serve a purpose (who wants to pee themselves?) but lack fun. Add a little sparkle and a good beat and presto chango! I have just vajazzersized my way to female fitness. Or, I could just use the vaginal barbell (yep, check kegel on wikipedia). But again lacks fun...and of course sparkle (which is synonymous with fun, just ask Jennifer Love Hewitt).

Apropos of nothing (well not nothing, we are speaking of nether regions here), I do think you will love this video clip of We're Talking Vulva (worth your time, I promise)
(You. Are. Welcome.)

GrandeMocha said...

Vajazzaling sounds uncomfortable. I like my panties cotton & soft & crytals down there, no thanks.

Anita said...

I see your People magazine subscription has paid off in Spades. Since you moved and Kee is done at the ortho, I may have to subscribe. Anyhoo, I was just curious what lame excuses these guys use...having heard a few myself...You're not pretty enough? Um, I meant, you don't make enough money? Um, I found someone hotter? What? My heart breaks for them all. Maybe it wasn't me and my sweatpants after all that made him drink non-stop. :)

The Insatiable Host said...

HOLY fucking vajazzle talk!!! it's everywhere...its in the blog land, on my husbands mind, at work....

listen, i also have to tell you that i miss you and i am sorry i am a horrible blog friend!!! life blows. BUT on this post my dear...i have to tell you that I can't believe Jesse did it.

He had me at the tears in his eyes at the Oscars. He had me when Sandra and he got married...and this!?! WTF really?

regardless I think that this is what happens to people who are looking for media. why not pay a few whores to say that he slept with you? i am holding onto the hopes that this is a scandal and that it's not true.

...and then i woke up.


RubyTwoShoes said...

hearing the "in the words of the poet Jon Bon Jovi" from a grown woman makes the teenage heart inside me flutter! Everywhere else I am desperately trying to live my fanatical obession with JBJ down!
And, come on, no one wants Jen?! Really. That makes me feel so sorry for her, how can we not treat her like a victim when there is all this pity to be had...?

Wendy Ramer said...

Freaky photos. Hey, check out my Monday morning blog for an award to you from me ;-)

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