Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Edward's Back...And His Front

"Do you really have any idea how important you are to me?  Any concept at all of how much I love you?"  Edward pulled me tighter against his hard chest, tucking my head under his chin.

I pressed my lips against his snow-cold cheek.  "I would get a better idea if you would fix the dishwasher, my handy little vampire."

"You compare one small tree to an entire forest...wait...did you say fix the dishwasher?"

"Yes.  You sit at the table and stare at me the entire time I'm washing the dishes.  For claiming to be so observant, you've really dropped the ball on noticing I am not loading and unloading a dishwasher.  Maybe get up and lend a sister a hand?  And that garbage isn't taking itself out."
 Edward leaving after dishwasher hose bursts.
Worthless bloodsucker.

This weekend, the kids and I watched New Moon.  I ordered it from Amazon, but they gave a free one-day digital download when you ordered the DVD, so at 11 p.m. CST we were able to crowd on the couch and watch it on my computer.  I still love it, even though time has colored some of it in Velveeta-hued shades of cheese.  We can't all be brie, darling.  

(Spoiler Alert!)  So we're crammed on the couch, Oldest Daughter, The Son, Youngest Daughter, and me, all trying to get the best view of the computer screen, and the scene comes up where Edward is in Italy and steps out into the sun with his shirt off.  

YD:  "Why is he naked?"
ME:  "He isn't naked honey, he's showing his skin in the sun."
OD:  "SHHH!"
SON:  "What is wrong with his chest?"
ME:  "What do you mean?"
YD:  "He is TOO naked."
SON:  "He has that one hairy spot on his chest..."
ME:  "SPOT!  You see The Spot!"
OD:  "SHHHH!  Leave The Spot alone!"
SON:  "What do you mean, 'The Spot'?"
YD:  "Why is Edward naked?"

And this is how I know these are my children.

First, YD understands that Edward is, indeed, almost naked.  It's one thing to read the book when he takes his shirt off in Volturra and gets nearly sparkly.  It's quite another to see Rob Pattinson's V-Line in front of you.  Let's take an Urban Dictionary moment:
V-Line:  Usually refers to a guy's ripped obliques, which are like plainly visible arrows pointing to his happy place.
But the New Moon movie people did Rob no favors by flaunting Taylor Lautner's shirtless visage in front of us the entire movie.  Rob, who should be impressive without a shirt, suddenly looks like a scoop of vanilla ice cream next to a Hot Fudge Sundae.

Second, my children seem to be the only other people who noticed Rob's unbalanced nipple hair.  As I mentioned in my post after seeing the movie in the theater, from Whoreticulture Friday, Issue 7, Rob had such disproportionate nipple hair I lost my New Moon focus:
"So far I seem to be the only person who noticed that in New Moon (Oh my GOD will she quit talking about New Moon? No. No she will not.), when Rob Pattinson took his shirt off, one of his nipples had some whackadoodle hair job or something around it. It's like one nipple got the JFK hair and the other one got the Jackie. It was distracting for me. Urban Dictionary calls this a Nipple Brow or a Nipple Beard. I've started calling him Spot, much to Oldest Daughter's chagrin."
 Holy crap, she's right!  This one IS bushier!

All I'm looking for is validation.  I can't be the only person who notices these things.  I mean, come on...they didn't stick him out there naked so I would listen to his dialogue.  So pay a little attention to the details, okay?

Eclipse is coming out on June 30, and since Edward shouldn't be shirtless in this one, all I ask is that they keep his lipstick under control and I'll be happy as a clam.  That is all.




9 comments:

chasing empty pavements said...

bahahaha. I SOOO noticed that too! And I was with my friend who wouldn't listen to me. She just didn't want to ruin her perfect little image. I thought it was hilarious that no one decided to make sure he was either all waxed or at least proportional.

Julie, The Wife said...

Thank GOD!!! Disproportionate Nipple Validation is mine! Thank you! And on the big screen, WOW, it was just in my face. (Or maybe that was just in my little cougar fantasy world...)

Wendy Ramer said...

I'm probably the only female alive who hasn't seen either of the Twilight movies, but you can bet Rob's hairy nipple I'm going to now.

GrandeMocha said...

Taylor Lautner is totally hot and was under 18 when the movie was made. That makes me feel dirty. I'm kinda freaking that when my 7 yr old is a teenager, 40 yr old women are going to be checking him out.

I would love to watch New Moon again with the volume off. Maybe fast forward to the shirtless scenes.

Julie, The Wife said...

How about New Moon in Italian, without subtitles? A couple of those wolves are total jailbait, and have bodies like my 10-year-old son, and I thought "Why couldn't they get some buff dudes who are 18? And trim Rob's nipple beard? And make Bella kick someone in the crotch for fun? Work with me here, people!"

Lani said...

Thanks, Julie. We just got the movie on Netflix and haven't watched it yet. Now I'll be distracted by unbalanced nipple hair. Hopefully he's not shirtless much.

Otherwise it will be like Stephen Colbert's crooked/deformed ear. A distraction that I can't get out of my head when I really should be focusing on the content.

Julie, The Wife said...

Holy cow! I, too, notice Colbert's ear!!! I keep thinking "Did he injure it as a child? Was he born that way? Was he in a terrible short track skating accident?" Why do I see these things? I feel like the boy in the Sixth Sense..."I see people deformities...."

GrandeMocha said...

Anything in Italian sounds sexy!

The Insatiable Host said...

maybe too much info but my hubby has maybe 15 man hairs on his body...he doesn't have a hairy cheast - like Edward he is uneven; however has even less then the scoop of vanilla ice cream...when we first started dating he had 4 on the left and 7 on the right.

I MARRIED EDWARD

oh...i didn't...well

Fuck!

I still loved the movie and was pathetic enough to go to the store at 12 am to get it on Friday!!

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