Monday, March 8, 2010

Because Proper Grooming Is Important

In an article that is sure to go viral, a few of my man-friends on Facebook have posted the following article and asked for input from the women:
Florida Driver Lacks Razor Sharp Focus 

As authorities nationwide warn motorists of the dangers of driving while texting, Florida Keys law enforcement officers add a new caution: Don't try to shave your privates, either.
Florida Highway Patrol troopers say a two-vehicle crash Tuesday at Mile Marker 21 on Cudjoe Key was caused by a 37-year-old woman driver who was shaving her bikini area while her ex-husband took the wheel from the passenger seat.
"She said she was meeting her boyfriend in Key West and wanted to be ready for the visit," Trooper Gary Dunick said. "If I wasn't there, I wouldn't have believed it. About 10 years ago I stopped a guy in the exact same spot ... who had three or four syringes sticking out of his arm. It was just surreal and I thought, 'Nothing will ever beat this.' Well, this takes it."
If that weren't enough, Megan Mariah Barnes was not supposed to be driving and her 1995 Ford Thunderbird was not supposed to be on the road.
The day before the wreck, Barnes was convicted in an Upper Keys court of DUI with a prior and driving with a suspended license, said Monroe County Assistant State Attorney Colleen Dunne. Barnes was ordered to impound her car, and her driver's license was revoked for five years, after which time she must have a Breathalyzer ignition interlock device on any vehicle she drives, Dunne said. Barnes also was sentenced to nine months' probation.
Barnes and Charles Judy were southbound in her Thunderbird at 11 a.m. when they slammed into the back of a 2006 Chevrolet pickup driven by David Schoff of Palm Bay. His passengers were a man and two women; the latter were treated for minor injuries at Lower Keys Medical Center, FHP spokesman Alex Annunziato said.
Schoff had slowed to about 5 mph to make a turn when the Thunderbird hit him, traveling about 45 mph, which was within the speed limit, Dunick said.  Barnes allegedly drove another half-mile, then switched seats with Judy, who allegedly claimed to be driving, Annunziato said.
Burns on Judy's chest from the passenger-side airbag deploying belied their story, Dunick said. The airbag in the steering wheel did not deploy, he said.  Troopers charged Barnes with driving with a revoked license, reckless driving, leaving the scene of a wreck with injuries and driving with no insurance. Judy was not charged.  Barnes faces a maximum of a year in jail if found guilty of violating her probation due to the wreck, Dunne said.
I understand the importance of a nicely trimmed hedge, as evidenced by this post:
The First Ever Whoreticulture Friday on...Bushwhackery!!! 

And I can also relate to feeling the need to multitask.  I may put on some lipstick while stopped at a stoplight.  I may take a drink of my Starbuck's skinny vanilla latte while driving.  But something I will NEVER, EVER do?  Hold my vagina hostage with a razorblade while doing 45 mph with my EX-HUSBAND at the wheel...from the PASSENGER SEAT. 

There are so many wrongs in this story that it very nearly makes a right.

I'm actually impressed that Miss Megan Mariah Barnes had the presence of mind to make the seat switch with her ex, because after this crash, I am guessing the boyfriend in Key West who was expecting some topiary is going to be tending to his own gardening for a while.
Let's recap:
  1. Holds a blade to her netherparts...
  2. While driving with a suspended license from a DUI...
  3. With ex-husband driving the car...
  4. (I mean 1995 Ford Thunderbird...)
  5. While she preps her dealio for her Current Boyfriend (CB)...
  6. Crashes the car into a truck...
  7. And asks Ex-husband to take the rap.
Hmm.  This sounds oddly familiar.

Urban Dictionary, I give you the RIDE OR DIE DUMBASS EX.  Part of "But Wait There's More Monday", an extension of the March 5 Whoreticulture Friday.  Because some stories are too big for Friday alone.  As for my male friends on Facebook who want the women to spill the goods on their mobile bushwhacking?  I gave them this post:
"That's nothing. I've had a pap smear on I-80 in a construction zone driving an 18-wheeler. Get back to me when you have some real news."
 Ask and ye shall receive.  I am nothing if not a giver.  


GrandeMocha said...

Wow. That is wrong on so many levels. And that is why I must post this on FB. Thanks for the story!

The Insatiable Host said...

Because I heart you, I have an award for you. I am not sure if you like them or need them or want them but I DONT CARE!



Erin said...

I can't even think of an appropriate response to the story. That is one hell of a woman 1) shaving your "hoo hoo" in the car -not good 2)shaving with your ex-h in the car-seriously not good 3) letting the ex-h steer while you shave your "hoo hoo" in the care-seriously f-ing not good

This woman should be "bitch slapped"....I'm just saying...

RubyTwoShoes said...

Oh, things like this never happen in Australia. It just must have something to do with the wackiness of you yankees. Here, on the other hand, we stick to plain stupid:

(I have NO idea why your article sparked my memory of this one, that has nothing to do with shaving yr vag while driving....)

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