Thursday, March 4, 2010

It's Whoreticulture Friday! Issue 18

Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygiene mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word culture. Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology. Whoreticulture Friday is not for children. Or squeamish people. Or Mother-In-Laws.

Today's topic: Ride or die bitch.

I've heard bad things happen in threes.  Oh people.  Today was an absolute bitch.  Three different friends, three different scenarios, three different levels of crisis, and three really sad women.  One very sad Julie who doesn't feel very snarky tonight.  It seems like an appropriate time to talk about the 'Ride or die bitch'.

As you know, Urban Dictionary is the go-to reference source for Whoreticulture Friday.  I was looking up 'Ride the Pony' because today's blog was going to be about how men seem to want women to be on top all of the time, and some of my friends have been complaining about it.  The argument is that their knees are going bad and being on top isn't their most advantageous angle, but apparently the guys are getting older too and their knees can't take being on top anymore either.  However, scrolling through Urban Dictionary, I found the "Ride or die bitch" and I was hooked.

The first phrase was "Ride or Die":
Conjunction of the phrases "ride it out" and "die trying". In other words you're down for whatever, even if it kills you.  To be down with your husband/wife no matter what, through it all the good and the bad.
That is my girl and I'll ride or die with her.

That sounds sort of sweet.  I walked past Current Husband and said, "Ride or Die, bro".  He looked at me and said, "What the hell are you talking about?"  and I said, "You know, ride or die.  I feel you, cracker."  CH rolled his eyes and walked away, most certainly feeling the stronger bond between us.

The next phrase was "Ride or Die Chick":
A chick that ain't afraid to be down with her man she'll do anything her man needs her to do.  'Ride or die chick' refers to someone who (normally a girl, hence the word chick) is down for everything & anything. Basically down for both the bad and the good.
Christina is my ride or die chick for life.

Hmmm.   This is starting to sound a little more one-sided.  I asked CH if he considers me his Ride or Die Chick, and he replied that he didn't think I liked motorcycles.  He thought it sounded very Harley Davidson.  Okay, I can be down with Harley Davidson.  CH and me, on our hog, riding across the plains into the sunset, knowing we have each other's backs, stopping at diners for hot beef sandwiches and french fries with gravy (TIP:  At the Big Sioux Cafe in Grand Forks, North Dakota, if you order a 'shitload' of french fries and gravy, you get a double order for free!  You're welcome.) and stopping for Guns n' Roses cover bands.  Welcome to the Jungle, Baby.  Just don't ask me to be on top after all of that riding all day.  My knees are bad.

The third phrase was "Ride or Die Down Ass Bitch":
(This is the actual definition in Urban Dictionary.  I invite you to look it up.)
A female that aint 'fraid of going to jail for her man.. Never rats him out and takes it all for him... Is down for anything will scrap for him no matter how big the mofo is... Is ready to go to whaeva lengths she has to ta make sure food is on the table... strip, sell.. jo0 name it.. Cleanz and co0ks for him and takes care of the fam and lets no one come between what they have she would even kill for him. 

I'm sorry, but WHO WROTE THIS!? Because really, SOMEONE had to write it.  Someone delusional and most likely wounded. "Lets no one come between what they have"...What exactly do they have?  Let me make sure I have this straight.  She is:
  1. Cooking
  2. Caring for children
  3. Cleaning
  4. Incarceration
  5. Fighting
  6. Stripping
  7. Prostitution
  8. Murder
What does he have?  Because really, I'd rather be on top than do anything past number two.  Perhaps he thinks because he is well-endowed, I should feel inclined to do the things on this list for the privilege of having sex with him.  I would say if you are so well-endowed, then perhaps you should be stripping and hooking, honey.

CH came into the kitchen and asked what was for dinner.  I looked up from my computer and screamed, "I'm not your Ride or Die Down Ass Bitch!  Make your own dinner, Motherf***er!!" and then I got out my rolling pin and started beating him.

Okay, that didn't happen.  I am his Ride or Die Down Ass Bitch.  I may LOOK like a middle-aged Iowa housewife, but truly, mess wit my man and I will cut you, and then eat a shitload of french fries and gravy on your grave.  But I still won't be on top, because I am telling you, I see a knee replacement in my future, and who cleanz and stripz and scraps with the biggest mofo if momma's in a walker?  That's what I thought.

Happy Whoreticulture Friday!  Have a great weekend!


The Insatiable Host said...

you may not be 1, 2 or 3; however you are a Blog or Die Bitch!

...sorry, I had to run to the W.R. as I almost pissed myself when I read " I may LOOK like a middle-aged Iowa housewife, but truly, mess wit my man and I will cut you, and then eat a shitload of french fries and gravy on your grave. But I still won't be on top, because I am telling you, I see a knee replacement in my future, and who cleanz and stripz and scraps with the biggest mofo if momma's in a walker? That's what I thought."

I literally almost did.

F.A.F - funny as fuck!


aleigh said...

You take 'tangent' to a whole new level. And that's why we love you. That and the fact that you would order a shitload of french fries and gravy from a hole in North Dakota.

Abby Annis said...

I LOVE your posts! This is awesome! And the music sets the mood perfectly. Thanks for the laughs! :D

Wendy Ramer said...

Thaks for making me laugh...yet again.

GrandeMocha said...

I'm not the girl on the back of a Harley. If I'm riding a Harley, I want to drive.

I'm not cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, or birthing any more babies. Deal with it!

Anne said...

I, too, almost wet myself, but it was because I refused to just get up and go to the W.C. until I could finish reading Whoreticulture Friday, which never fails to deliver. This is one of my favorites.

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