Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Spring Break Day 3: Fear of Abduction

A popular topic in any form of current media is fear:
  • Fear of another terrorist attack
  • Fear of H1N1
  • Fear of earthquakes
  • Fear of Janet Jackson's exposed nipple
  • Fear of Mexican drug cartels
  • Fear of universal health care
  • Fear of the absence of universal health care
  • Fear of Heidi Montag (the one thing on this list of which I am truly afraid)
A big one that is very prevalent in our area is the fear of obesity.  The Iowa State Legislature passed the Healthy Kids Initiative, which now ensures that my children have to do Physical Education homework.  I love big government - "Let's tell the parents they have to do a bunch of stuff we mandate at home, but serve the children fried cheese sticks and Ball Park hotdogs for hot school lunch!  That will combat obesity!  Fatness SOLVED!" 

Oldest Daughter brings home a slip from Middle School we sign that says we forced her to exercise for 15 minutes every day of the month, and the younger kids bring home monthly PE homework sheets that say we made them do some form of a suggested list of activities, such as "hugging a senior citizen" and "bowling".  When I drove the kids to the local bowling alley to throw a few balls and hug all of the old people, we got kicked out.  You just can't win.

So it's Spring Break in the Heartland.  I've been sending the kids outside to play because it is finally above 30 degrees for long stretches of time.  However, I find myself standing at or near the large window to the back yard most of the time because we live on a corner, which is next to an alley and has city streets on two sides of the lot.  Our yard is not fenced in, so I cannot send George the Superpet out to eat abductors, and we live five miles from the headquarters of a Police Gang Unit and a major interstate, and a half mile from the state line.  If someone in an unmarked pedophile mobile unit pulled up and threw in one of my delicious kids, the clock would start ticking as to how long until they would be out of the state and gone forever.  So I'm a freak about them playing outside, which pundits everywhere tell me is the real cause of childhood obesity.

Which do I fear more?  Fat kids or dead kids?  Hmmmmm....I think I'll take Fear of Abduction for $500, Alex.

Fear of abduction is not limited to the kids.  I'm no spring chicken, but rapists are not known to be terribly picky.  A friend is selling her house, and is out of town, so she asked if I could show it to people while they are away.  No problem!  I get to play realtor!  She called last night and said a guy wanted to see the house.  She gave me his name and cell phone number.  We agreed to meet at the house at 7:30 p.m.  On the way over, it suddenly occurred to me that I could be killed and no one would know about it for a while.  I've watched Forensic Files on A&E, I know how these things go down.

I got to the house and turned on all of the lights.  I put my cell phone in my back pocket so I could call someone from his trunk, or at least I would have a tracking device on my body.  I started thinking about how to reason with him - "everyone has your cell phone number and's only a matter of time before they find you...I have a raging case of syphilis...I just completed gender reassignment surgery..."

Then I thought about how they tend to like it when people fight.  Maybe I should act MORE enthusiastic than him, and that would freak him out so much that he would run from the house.  The doorbell rang, and I jumped about a foot in the air, and turned to meet my potential killer.  You don't fool me with your grandpa charm and your John Deere hat, Mister.  Oh yeah, you're interested in arched doorways and original wood trim.  Whatever.  I'm onto your game.  Yes, the washer and dryer are "negotiable", whatever THAT means.  Are the sellers "eager"?!  "I HAVE SYPHILIS!  IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME UNTIL THEY FIND YOU!  I'M REALLY A MAN AND A NINJA!!  CHUCK NORRIS IS MY GODFATHER!"

There will be other prospects on this house, I'm sure it will sell.  But if I hadn't yelled at that man, the terrorists would win, and I can't have that on my conscience.


Wendy Ramer said...

I wish I had behaved that way before my neighbors moved in. Might have served as damage control. A living nightmare they are, I tell you.

aleigh said...

Poor, poor, Grandpa Deere. you know about kicking out the tailight and waving right? That is, if your hands aren't duct-taped together.

Andrea said...

Just under my facebook posting of your "Fear of Abduction" update (which I loved!), a friend posted this site:
Coincidence, I think not! If Oprah were nearby, she would say the universe was trying to tell me something. So, I am on abduction high alert :)
Beware, this site will suck you in for hours and leave you speechless... and possibly have you worrying about more than just pedophiles and rapists, or at least, human ones.

Abby Annis said...

I can't stop laughing! Loved this. I worry about abduction of my kids a lot. I'm just now loosening the apron strings and my oldest is eleven. I know someone who used to take a pic of her son everyday before he got on the bus so she'd have a photo to show the cops in exactly what he was wearing when he was kidnapped. At least I'm not that bad. :)

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