Thursday, March 18, 2010

Fear of Abduction, Part 2

So my last post was about fear of abduction, 
and I got this comment from Andrea:
Just under my facebook posting of your "Fear of Abduction" update (which I loved!), a friend posted this site:
Coincidence, I think not! If Oprah were nearby, she would say the universe was trying to tell me something. So, I am on abduction high alert :)
Beware, this site will suck you in for hours and leave you speechless... and possibly have you worrying about more than just pedophiles and rapists, or at least, human ones.
 I thought to myself, "Nice try, Andrea, IF that is your real name and you are not trying to abduct me, but I'm not going to that clearly depressing site with tales of successful abductions.  FAIL!"  Then today, I'm eating a donut and perusing the Internet, and I think, "Hey, that site Andrea suggested looks informative, I think I'll go."

And it is worse than I thought.  I have some news.

Aliens are reading our thoughts, 
AND abducting us.

According to this site, the Thought Screen Helmet stops space aliens from abducting humans, and has been used by former abductees for years.  

Apparently the only people aliens are interested in abducting are people who speak English, French, and Portuguese, or at least those are the only people who can be SAFE from abduction.  Furthermore, ugly people and the elderly are not the only ones who can be abducted.  There is a very attractive Austrian teen who is modeling her version of the Thought Screen Helmet, and had this testimonial:
"I have been abducted by aliens for years and found by a happy coincidence.  The Thought Screen Helmet, invented by an expert, has stopped the unwelcome visitations and has raised me and my family`s quality of life. Therefore I highly recommend it."
The look on the girl's face says, "I made this effing helmet with instructions I found on the Internet, and I can't wait to wear it to the skate park and show my emo friends that I think outside of the Hot Topic box."

Michael Menkin, the inventor, is a well-dressed man who drinks Minute Maid beverages and bottled water, uses a corded phone, and he cares about your well-being, people.
Apparently aliens use telepathic powers to control the human mind.  They are then able to control us, and abduct us.  I am sure I was abducted once in college, when the aliens bought me and a friend a case of beer and said they would take us on a road trip to Cedar Falls, IF we would just step into their spaceship, disguised as a 1980 Ford Mustang.  I was also abducted on a June night in 1996 when an alien human hybrid took over my husband's body and mind-controlled me into a night of drinking and sexual revelry that ended with me knocked up.  I was abducted in this same fashion at least two more times.  Had I been equipped with the Thought Screen Helmet, I would not be raising my three obviously alien children.

All of the children have used their mind control on me a number of times.  Oldest Daughter recently got unlimited texting, after a year of refusals from her parents.  Middle Son got a corn snake in his room after a year of pleading.  Youngest Daughter stared at me at the dinner table, and the next thing I knew, I was on the phone with the government of Portugal, declaring war.  Coincidence?  I think not.

So thank you, Andrea.  Thank you for being brave enough to share this valuable site with me, and in turn, my mother and her two non-English speaking co-workers who pretend to read this blog.  I am fashioning my own helmet this evening, and will be making helmets for the entire family as Christmas gifts (except for the alien children, who are trying to control my brain RIGHT. NOW.).  

I've been lucky enough to find a photo of the aliens.  They infiltrate our televisions, political parties, popular music, favorite plastic surgeons, and yoga classes:
I, for one, will NOT be visiting the Bony Pony Ranch.
Live long and prosper.



Wendy Ramer said...

Hate to sound redundant (because as a writer I should find more creative ways to say the same thing over and over) but YOU CRACK ME UP!

Abby Annis said...

You've opened my eyes to a whole new world I knew nothing about. From your descriptions, I'm sure I've been abducted as well. What I want to know is when will you be posting pictures of your newly fashioned helmet? Oh, and can you post the directions too? I need to make one to shield myself from my aliens. :)

aleigh said...

WTF?!? I had to see it to believe it. Are they for real?!? I, for one, will NOT be wearing a Thought Screen Helmet! But, I might put this dutch oven over my head, just incase.

Anita said...

I smell infomercial

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