Monday, March 29, 2010

Hey Mom, Could You Vagazzle Me?

Whoever said Disco sucks must know Jennifer Love Hewitt's vagina.

In January of this year, Jennifer appeared on the ‘Lopez Today’ show with George Lopez to give some dating tips and promote her new book, "The Day I Shot Cupid".  Go ahead.  Click the link and watch.  I'll wait.  One of her tips was to glue shiny things right on your privates. She also revealed that she was, at that very moment, sporting a vagina decorated with hot pink Swarovski crystals, which made George Lopez and his audience need to take a moment for visualization. “After a breakup, a friend of mine Swarovski-crystaled my precious lady,” she said. “It shined like a disco ball so I have a whole chapter in there on how women should vagazzle their vajayjays.”

Her precious lady.  Thank you, Jennifer Love Hewitt.

 I have crystals on my vagina and you don't.
At first, I was a little thrown by this.  It seems so easy to make fun.  But you have to feel for Jennifer Love Hewitt because she seems like such a nice girl, who just REALLY wants to be in love.  It is, after all, her middle name.  She's gone public a number of times with her desire to get married, and in the last People magazine she said she has an engagement ring picked out that she goes in to try on once in a while, and some wedding dresses on standby.  She seems nice and normal and doesn't appear to have a drug problem or an eating disorder or sleep with anyone from The Hills.  John Mayer purportedly wrote a song about her you might know, called, "Your Body Is a Wonderland".  

So why can't Jennifer find love?  Could it be that when she is getting hot and heavy with a beau and he goes below deck, there is a sparkling in her panties, like she is a human but her vagina is a vampire?  Could it be that when he sees the disco ball on her precious lady he does The Hustle right out of there?  Does he get Boogie Fever from complications from the cuts he might receive from her cut glass cave?  But I like J Love, and if she wants to vagazzle her vajayjay, that is her cross to bear.

Moving beyond Jennifer and her need to sparkle plenty, I wonder about the person who is applying the crystals.  I did a little research and found that you can book a Ladies Crystal Party, where you and three to six of your best friends can go in for a little blingy on your thingy.

Using Swarovski™ body art, choose a delicate design or create your own masterpiece working with one of our Crystal Art Artisan.
  • Individual Crystal Body Art application.
  • Qua Exfoliating Body Scrub with Crystal Body Art application.
  • Ladies Crystal Body Art Parties (4 to 7).
60 min: from $130

I am thinking this is for a crystal butterfly on your shoulder, but if you ask for a mongoose on your muffin I'm betting they will happily do it for an extra fee.  I'm also making the assumption that you will be expected to have a Brazilian to get this service, unless they are going to just put some guiding lights down the sides of your runway strip, but it would take a very special Crystal Body Art Application Technician to agree to bling a full bush.
 I want a killer whale diving into mine!
Now that I know this service exists in the world, I need to know the particulars.  I'm becoming obsessed with Jennifer Love Hewitt's vagina.  I'm doing dishes and I think, "How do they apply her crystals?  Is she laying back, legs spread, drinking wine from a straw?  What is the name of her technician?  Does she call her by name?"  I'm folding towels and I think "How long do Jennifer Love Hewitt's vagina crystals stay on?  Do they start falling out of her clothes?  Does she scratch herself after peeing?"  I'm packing the kids' lunches and I think, "Does J Love's vagazzaling require special underwear?  Don't the crystals catch on most panties?"  I will be driving the kids to cello lessons and think "Is it like a pedicure, where they have to remove the old polish to put on the new?  How does she pick her design?  Does she do themes, like Abe Lincoln for President's Day, or Jesus for Easter?"   

Her vagina has become the siren call for all people with vaginas.  She is now setting the bar for caring for all of our Precious Ladies.  If your dealio is not encrusted with crystals, maybe you don't care so much.  Where is the love, ladies?  Where?

If you are vagazzaling your vajayjay, I want to hear about it.  Release me from my torment.  I need to know.


Danny, Julie, Jack and Mari said...

My inquiring mind wants to know...

When it's time for the pedicure I have to scrub and scrape the old polish off. It can be a big job, depending on how abusive I've been to my feet. So when it's time for her next "application" and there are remnants of the last "service" how would one remove those stragglers?

Ew. Gag. and even some OW!

Julie, The Wife said...

I KNOW! I realize most people don't want to sit around and ponder the awesomeness that is Jennifer Love Hewitt's vajayjay, but there is much to consider. This is not just a casual beauty application! It takes confidence, cleanliness, fashion sense, strong panties, upper thighs that do not rub you in any way, accomplices, and a lack of allegies to adhesive or Swarovski.

aleigh said...

I suppose if your body is a wonderland, you might covet a vajazzled vajayjay. My body, however, is more like a blunderland. So, hell to the no - no vajazzling here.

Wendy Ramer said...

OMG! I don't usually throw around those virtual acronyms, but all I can think when I read this is OMG. 'Nuff said.

RubyTwoShoes said...

This is a great post, hilarious, and I feel so much more in touch with the wacky world of celebrity as a result, which is never a bad thing.
Who knows, maybe her PAs chariot her around on their shoulders so she doesn't have to worry about the bother of crystals that may catch to her panties....

GrandeMocha said...

So are you going to have your mother bejazzle your precious lady?

GrandeMocha said...

My girlfriend asked me to watch her kids while she is in Hawaii. Is she going ask me to bejazzle her precious lady next? Because I'm NOT that good a friend.

Julie, The Wife said...

@GM - my mom would probably do it, but there would be the painful Brazilian, which I don't have, and she would be smoking and I think she would ash on my killer whale. I don't think her vision is that great either. Something would get hot glued that wasn't meant to be stuck.

I think real friends don't let friend vagazzle. Not that there's anything wrong with it.

Lani said...

I can tell you two hobbies that JLH shouldn't take up: cycling and horseback riding.

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