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Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygiene mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word culture. Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology. Whoreticulture Friday is not for children. Or squeamish people. Or Mother-In-Laws.
Today's topic: Me and My Period - We're Like *This*.
Every month, sometime around the second week near Tuesday, I'm reminded of why I love being a woman. I'm reminded that I have internal organs that are designed for baby-making, which I have no plans to use. It's sort of like if my light blue strapless satin TD4 prom dress from 1987 crawled out of the Rubbermaid tub in the basement around the 15th of every month, came upstairs, kicked me in the gut over and over and over again until I started hemorrhaging, and said "...and there will be more of that every month until you decide to use me again."
Men don't get to experience the joy that is womanhood. They never have dull abdominal cramps, the sneaking sensation that they are bleeding through their work pants, or the thrill of carrying an economy-size box of Super Plus tampons, a bag of Overnight Maxi Pads with Wings, a bag of Lightdays pantyliners, a king sized Kit Kat, a large bottle of Aleve and a large box of wine through the Express Lane at their local grocery store.
My first experience with a period was before I had one - watching TV with my dad or some guy friends, and seeing Cathy Rigby come on to promote Stayfree pads. Periods are so unobtrusive that you can do a handstand in a leotard and spread your legs comfortably!! We would all sit in awkward silence, looking at the ceiling, and hope the next ad wouldn't be for Massengil douches.
Suggestion: If you need comfort,
get off the beam, out of that leotard
and into a gallon of Ben and Jerry's
Triple Fudge Brownie Chunk.
Today, a friend sent the new Kotex ad to me. I hadn't seen this brilliant work, and I think it sums up how women have felt about tampon commercials for years. I suspect a woman wrote this campaign. (NOTE: You can pause the music in the playlist on the sidebar. But I couldn't resist Leona Lewis and her nonstop bleeding today.)
"I really like the ads on TV because they use that blue liquid
....and I'm like 'Oh! That's what's supposed to happen."
Who hasn't had their period and felt they've been deprived of the pleasure of these obvious menstrual cycle activities?
- horseback riding
- competitive swimming
- running on the beach
- extreme yoga or kickboxing
"I guess period control ads aren't just euphemism-happy so as not to offend our delicate lady sensibilities or burst the illusions of man folks. You actually can't say the "vagina" word in an ad for a product that goes in your vagina. And two out of three network censors still feel icky when they hear "down there."No offense, Feministing, but I REALLY don't want to HEAR the word "vagina" on TV. I don't. I'm not a prude, I promise - just look at the Whoreticulture Friday posts. However, I have a list of words I don't want to hear while watching TV with my kids, or anyone else for that matter:
- vagina
- penis
- erectile dysfunction
- urinary anything
- douche
- feminine odor
- special feeling
This actually happens to me some months.
Wow. That must be a REALLY good tampon. But isn't that why we do Kegels? To avoid clapping? I'm getting to an age where I don't want the clap. After all, loose lips sink ships.
(A quick "RALLY!" to my Fremont homegirls! Check me!!)
Happy Whoreticulture Friday! Have a great weekend!
Happy Whoreticulture Friday! Have a great weekend!
12 comments:
The bleeding love song is a brilliant touch, Ms. Julie. And I love the new Kotex ads.
Au contraire, Jules. Big Daddy HAS had the pleasure of purchasing multiple boxes of tampons, pads, and pain-killers at the local Walgreen's. I bore him three children. It's the least he could do. Enjoy Aunt Flo's visit!
Damn you, Julie! I did not have time to read your blog today, but I couldn't resist it. I agree with Lani that the bleeding song was brilliant.
That one was a grinner....my cheeks hurt from the smile I had on while reading it! Bravo!
Here's the one GREAT thing about aging. NO period. When I was one year officially out I threw myself a party with champagne, food and girlfriends. Tiaras were mandatory. We had a great time and it was MOST worthy of a bon voyage party.
I'm not actually having mine right now, but I'm going to a writing conference next week, and if it comes even 48 hours early.....Look Out, OHIO!
And @aliegh, I will tell you that CH had not only purchased all of the feminine items, he has also selected a breast pump in Target with the help of his father and 13-year-old brother. THAT was a manly trip!
Hi Julie,
I grew up with the Lervick girls from MN and I feel the need to tell you that my sisters and I spent our adolescence asking each other in sweet voices,"Do you ever get that.....not-so-fresh feeling?" at very innapropriate moments. Also, I want a clapping pussy.
Tonya
PS I ADORE your blog....sort of an obsession.
I'll tell what I loved most about the Tampax ad (in the pool)...that she was wearing a RED bikini and not white. That's the most honest part of the ad. (None of that our-tampon-is-so-great-that-you'll-feel-like-running-around-in-white-short-shorts crap!)
This reminds me of the "have a happy period" (don't recall what brand), for me a happy period is one where I haven't gone in to a homicidal rage. Thanks, this made my day, I very much look forward to Whoreticulture Friday!
Excuse me while I cough up the rest of my lungs.
That. That right there.
That was HILARIOUS.
Perfect start to my Saturday. :)
Love the ads!
OMG! Ladies- the word is HYSTERECTOMY!!! I highly recommend it! Do not be "skeered"! Just Do IT!
Ha, I loved the ads, esp 'your pussy is clapping one'...and the U by Kotex one, my fav brand! not that anyone cares, sorry, the internet is terrible for such indulgences, but still, Im kinda weirdly proud of the ole Kotex...
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