It's Whoreticulture Friday! Issue 66

Hola Wifers. First let me say that I am dragging a little bit this morning because Todd “Hot Nuts” Epstein held a benefit concert last night for the Walnut Growers of America, and Current Husband and I were both a little tipsy and crowd surfing, but we learned something important:


Squirrels will drop you. And it hurts.


Todd performed onstage, accompanied by Mike Moran, The Iowa Goatsinger, at Mojo’s in downtown Davenport. I know it’s a little unheard of to have goats and squirrels performing together because they are both total divas, but since there isn’t an Iowa Squirrel Singer, and Mr. Moran is particularly talented and knows “Blackbird” by the Beatles, he was an excellent choice. Here they are performing together:

 

But then Todd started drinking.

And making love to the crowd.

And was asked to leave.

So we were at the police station late bailing him out, and by the time we got home I was too tired to blog. But, it IS Whoreticulture Friday, and I have an obligation to society.

Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygiene mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word "culture". Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology. Whoreticulture Friday is not for children. Or squeamish people. Or Mother-In-Laws. Or people I work with. Or neighbors who are raising feral cats.



Today’s topic: Don’t Poke Momma Bear

I have a great boss, and I worked out a sweet deal where if I come in to work a half hour early all week, I can take off at 12:30 one day that week so I can play like I’m an at-home mom again and take the kids to the pool. Last week was the first time I’ve used this arrangement, and it was heavenly.

People magazine, sunshine, Diet Coke and happy kids.

It takes so little to make me happy.

However, getting ready for the pool? Whole different deal.

We’re running around in the whole “Got your towel? Got the sunscreen? Got your goggles?” mode, and literally at the last moment I realized the hedge needed to be trimmed before the garden party. The kids are going out the van, and I’m all “I’ll be right there!” as I’m pulling out a razor and some shaving cream. But DAMN. This was my first trip to the pool this year, so I was in East German Woman mode. I had to make an assessment:

• I’m 42.
• I have prolific family heirloom varicose veins.
• I’m married.
• My skinniest days are behind me.

Is a little Growly Momma Bear Bush my biggest problem? But then I thought of the children.

• Children are frightened by bears.
• The pool is full of children.
• My daughter is a teen and my appearance is occasionally tied up in her emotional well-being.
• My other daughter is 8 and might ask loud questions, such as “Mom, is there a bear in your pants?”

Damn it. Let’s get whacking.

After a few minutes, I realize that in order to really tame this beast, I need to be more bendy. When did I start growing hair there? Can’t…reach…knees…locking…and there are places NO ONE should go into blind with a razorblade. This is where I discover a real need. Yoga for personal grooming. Potential poses include:

• Shave Dog
• Bridge to Bikini Line
• Camel Toe
• Down Bear
• Bald Taco
• Baked Drumstick

In the meantime, Mamma Bear got tamed somewhat and the kids had their pool day. Just in case I missed anything, I positioned a People magazine on my lap and made sure I didn’t lay on my beach chair with my legs spread (which is my normal beach chair position. As a matter of fact, I normally take up two, or even three, chairs.)

When I got home, CH was all excited to see me in my swimsuit, which honestly makes me concerned for his vision. I stripped off the suit to expose my developing sunburn, and he was all, “You know you want it” and I just turned to face him, pointed down, and said, “Do not poke Mamma Bear. You might get bit.”

CH is a survivalist. He backed away from Mamma Bear this time. But I know he’ll be back when the cubs aren’t around and it’s less dangerous. Rowr.

Happy Whoreticulture Friday! Have a great weekend!