Today's topic: The Factory is Closing
I'm a little bit excited and slightly anxious tonight, because tomorrow is THE BIG DAY. I am a very fertile Myrtle. Particularly when I've been drinking, because my eggs get all belligerent and start droppin' it like it's hot, in the club, which happens to be my uterus. Not one of my children was planned, and all were likely conceived after a night out with Current Husband. They were all welcomed and loved (note to future Family Therapist), but not particularly planned. Because that's how I roll, y'all.
For about six years or so, My High School Friend Paige The OB-GYN has been telling me to get things tied up down there with some Mirena or Essure or duct tape. She's the one who would always get the phone calls that inevitably start with, "Um, Paige, I was out last month and got really drunk, and I'm on antibiotics and I've been scraping lead paint in the basement...." and she would interrupt and say, "You're pregnant again, aren't you." When we had our trip in Austin, Texas, talk turned once again to Oops babies and sex, and once again, I was told to get on it already. This time, I did.
I've taken my two horse pills for the night, and tomorrow morning at 9:30 a.m. I'm going in for the Essure procedure. This is where an actual medical professional jams metal coils in your tubes, and then scar tissue grows in a controlled fashion around said coils, and closes them shut tight and baby-free. Am I worried about an unknown allergy to nickel? A possible accidental perforation of my fallopean tubes and emergency surgery? No. What am I worried about? How my hoo-ha appears looking north from my knees. Because I can't have my doctor walking out of the room and muttering to himself, "That is One. Fugly. Pussy." It's good to know I have my priorities in order, no? Maybe it's time to weigh the pros and cons.
I can be my skanky self again without fear
It's quick and easy and hormone free
My insurance covers it
I have prescriptions for Xanax and Codeine
I can make CH feel guilty about my sacrifice
My family will be like this Essure family on the website:
Because I'm coming home from the procedure and painting my entire house white and buying a new white wardrobe for everyone to represent my renewed purity, and we can all have a pillow fight and laugh and yell, "Mommy can have all the sex she wants now!!"
Slight, but unlikely, chance of nickel allergy or death
People have to see my junk. Hopefully no more than two people.
According to this photo on the Essure website, my uterus will become an iPod - hopefully an iPod Touch, if you get my drift.
What will be on YOUR "Julie's Vagina Playlist"?
Actually, I'm moving the uPod on the PRO list. After three kids I bet that thing can hold a million songs and the last three seasons of Mad Men.
Wish me luck, Wifers! Happy Whoreticulture Friday and have a great weekend!