Thursday, December 1, 2011

It's Whoreticulture Friday!
Issue 73

Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygiene mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word "culture". Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology. Whoreticulture Friday is not for children. Or squeamish people. Or Mother-In-Laws. Or people I work with. Or anyone who lives within 10 miles of me. Or my OB-GYN.

Today's topic: The Factory is Closing

I'm a little bit excited and slightly anxious tonight, because tomorrow is THE BIG DAY.  I am a very fertile Myrtle.  Particularly when I've been drinking, because my eggs get all belligerent and start droppin' it like it's hot, in the club, which happens to be my uterus.  Not one of my children was planned, and all were likely conceived after a night out with Current Husband.  They were all welcomed and loved (note to future Family Therapist), but not particularly planned.  Because that's how I roll, y'all.

For about six years or so, My High School Friend Paige The OB-GYN has been telling me to get things tied up down there with some Mirena or Essure or duct tape.  She's the one who would always get the phone calls that inevitably start with, "Um, Paige, I was out last month and got really drunk, and I'm on antibiotics and I've been scraping lead paint in the basement...." and she would interrupt and say, "You're pregnant again, aren't you."  When we had our trip in Austin, Texas, talk turned once again to Oops babies and sex, and once again, I was told to get on it already.  This time, I did.

I've taken my two horse pills for the night, and tomorrow morning at 9:30 a.m. I'm going in for the Essure procedure.  This is where an actual medical professional jams metal coils in your tubes, and then scar tissue grows in a controlled fashion around said coils, and closes them shut tight and baby-free.  Am I worried about an unknown allergy to nickel?  A possible accidental perforation of my fallopean tubes and emergency surgery?  No.  What am I worried about?  How my hoo-ha appears looking north from my knees.  Because I can't have my doctor walking out of the room and muttering to himself, "That is One. Fugly. Pussy."  It's good to know I have my priorities in order, no?  Maybe it's time to weigh the pros and cons.

I can be my skanky self again without fear
It's quick and easy and hormone free
My insurance covers it
I have prescriptions for Xanax and Codeine
I can make CH feel guilty about my sacrifice
My family will be like this Essure family on the website:

Because I'm coming home from the procedure and painting my entire house white and buying a new white wardrobe for everyone to represent my renewed purity, and we can all have a pillow fight and laugh and yell, "Mommy can have all the sex she wants now!!"

Slight, but unlikely, chance of nickel allergy or death
People have to see my junk.  Hopefully no more than two people.
According to this photo on the Essure website, my uterus will become an iPod - hopefully an iPod Touch, if you get my drift. 

What will be on YOUR "Julie's Vagina Playlist"?

Actually, I'm moving the uPod on the PRO list.  After three kids I bet that thing can hold a million songs and the last three seasons of Mad Men.

Wish me luck, Wifers!  Happy Whoreticulture Friday and have a great weekend!


Anonymous said...

Good luck! I had it done 3 weeks ago- good drugs, no pain. Easy peasy. After our oops, surprise child #4 it was time. :) Now let's just hope it actually works.

Julie The Wife said...

Yay you, Anonymous! That's just what I needed to hear this morning! I'm off for sterilization!

Shirley said...

I work in a L&D. The truth is as long as it's clean no one will bat an eye. You'd be surprised how many times a day we pray for clean vaginas.

GrandeMocha said...

There were aproximately hundred people in the room when I delivered my son at 3 am. I have no idea who most of them were. I suspect they were told there would be door prizes. I figure everyone who works at the hospital has now seen all my business, no need to worry anymore about someone seeing it again.

GrandeMocha said...

Good Luck!

rhonda said...

my aunt is an L&D nurse and she said the same thing, they pray that the people just shower. other than that no one really cares.

Christy The Mom said...

You should've utilized the Betty Dye! Could you imagine the conversation that would ensure between you, riding high on a cloud of narcotics, and the unsuspecting barrage of people staring at your clown car?

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