Thursday, December 15, 2011

It's Whoreticulture Friday!
Issue 74

Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygiene mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word "culture". Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology. Whoreticulture Friday is not for children. Or squeamish people. Or Mother-In-Laws. Or people I work with. Or anyone who lives within 10 miles of me. Or my OB-GYN.

Today's topic: Gettin' Nekkid

First of all, I haven't been.  Ever since the tubes were blocked I've been living a monk-like existence of contemplation and chocolate.  Today I had a quick check-in at the gyno and we are good to go until February, when I get the dye shot up in my turkey cavity and then presumably have to walk around work all day explaining that my pen exploded in my pants pocket.

So, speaking of nakedness...have you ever noticed that nudity is so much about perception?  You see a sculpture of David and think...


You see this picture of a naked guy and you think:
(But this is a Mapplethorpe portrait, and I actually really like most of his stuff.)

Then you see this picture of a naked guy and you think:


When does nudity cross over that line from art to trash?  I was thinking about this today when I perused my new issue of Vanity Fair with Lady Gaga.  There is a photo of her buck-ass naked in Tony Bennett's art studio, with Tony looking on, thinking, "That girl is bendy."  For some reason, I look at this photo and think, "Huh.  She's an odd little thing." and I want to buy her a $2 Subway Meatball Sub.  Or two.


Then I see the new "leaked" photo of Lindsay Lohan and I have a totally different reaction:


Again, two naked celebrities, two different reactions.  This topic came up at a hooker convention I recently attended.  There was a rug hooked by a grandma displayed:

Yep.  That's her grandson and his bits.  It's an interesting choice, to be sure, and if my mother-in-law gave me this rug I would be like, "Um, you don't need to watch Leo while we're in Bermuda, we're taking him."  Everyone is going to feel awkward when she asks him to do a revision rug when he's 18.

I was having dinner with some hookers that night and asked if there is much nudity in rug hooking.  They all looked at each other, and one said, "Are we all thinking about the self-portrait class?"  Apparently there was a class last year where the instructor asked the class to disrobe and sketch their bodies on linen, and then hook themselves naked into a rug.  Even back when I was rockin' this body 20 years ago I wouldn't want my birthday suit immortalized in wool.  If I did do that rug today?  I would totally get rid of this double chin, shave a few inches off the thighs, delete the shadowy area under my muffin top, and my hair would be bountiful and not have these wiry old lady hairs sticking out.  And even with the body revisions in the rug?  Still wouldn't hook it.

When does art become trash?  I guess it's in the eye of the beholder.  But NO ONE is wiping their muddy feet across my ass, that is fo sho.

Happy Whoreticulture Friday, and have a great weekend!


Anonymous said...

This post is hilarious! There definitely is a difference of opinion about different types of nakedness. I much prefer the hot chiseled man type over say, old-and-fat-and-saggy man type. Just sayin

GrandeMocha said...

What did the hookers do with the naked rugs? Thanks for the eye candy!

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