Monday, December 14, 2009

Chick Norris: Kicking Ass and Taking You To School

Note: Sorry about the F-bombs in the song, but it was so perfect I couldn't help it. For future reference, you can pause the Playlist. Got it, Mom?

I'm supposed to be working. On things that pay me. And yet, here I am, procrastinating and giggling in BloggyLand. Something funny happened yesterday, and then it sort of grew out of control, like a Chia Pet on steroids.

I am a fan of the often hilarious blog of this crazy Canadian, Danon of The Insatiable Host. She is wacky and fun and unpredictable and swears to make a sailor blush (and that MEANS something coming from me), she started something called the Panty Pyramid which is downright clever, and she is doing the Jillian Michaels shred. So I get my cup of coffee and sit down at the computer, and this is what I read on her blog:

I woke up early this morning and rather than curling up on my big purple micro sued couch with a cup of coffee with Bailey's I turned the bitch on and flipped her off for 20 mins. I was tell you all that while I was doing the cardio portions of the work-out I would focus on the wall or the ceiling or whatever- and today, I totally visualized myself kicking the shit out of Jillian Michaels. I say my skinny little ass in my work out gear (complete with new kicks) and I totally round housed her in the jaw. My visualization was complete with cinematic slow-play for effect. You could actually see her mouth jobble around and jaw wrench around to he shoulder. Hmmm. I wounder if she felt that all the way in the back on her a nice stretch?

How can you not read that and just see this woman (Girl, actually, as she is not yet 30) kicking the crap out of Jillian Michaels. I would sit on the couch and eat my Cocoa Puffs and watch THAT. So then I could picture her as The New Sheriff in Workout Land, and I told her that she was like Chuck Norris with a uterus. I was now christening her "Chick Norris".

So Chick Norris has taken a shine to her new moniker and did a post about it. And then I read it, and some great Chick Norris phrases came into my head, along with some modified pre-existing Chuck Norris phrases, because I am already a fan of Chuck Norris lore, and of course, I had to put them on the blog for you three long-suffering people who read this in hopes I will actually post something funny someday. You know who you are (Mom and her two non-English speaking co-workers). Sorry. Your wait has not ended.

This is my opus to all women who've got it goin' on. You make the breakfast, you keep the whites white, you work hard for the money, you keep the hot side hot and cool side cool. You are all Chick Norris (but Danon, you ARE the ORIGINAL, no doubt about it):

Chick Norris has such a strong uterus, it makes babies all by itself up in there.

Chick Norris doesn't just shred, she shreds Jillian Michaels and eats her for breakfast.

The last thing that goes through her opponent's mind before dying is Chick Norris' beautifully manicured toes.

There is no Evolution - just a list of people Chick Norris allows to live.

Chick Norris does not sleep. She waits.

Chick Norris doesn't have a period, she has three dots and then an exclamation point.

Chick Norris doesn't watch Oprah; Oprah watches her.

Chick Norris brings home the bacon, fries it up in the pan, and then eats it in front of the pig.

If it looks like fish and smells like fish but Chick Norris says it is chicken, then it is chicken. So eat it before you make Chick Norris angry.

Martha Stewart weeps when she eats Chick Norris' cookies.

Chick Norris' baby changes its own diaper, because Chick Norris will not take shit from anyone.

Barbie only uses pink because Chick Norris said she wanted purple.

The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, it is knowing Chick Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

Chick Norris' minivan gets 600 mpg because it is afraid to stop.

Chick Norris will school you, and then take you to school. Which I will have to get up to do in about 7 hours, and I still have to get my work done. And I apologize if the pluralization of Norris is wrong, but it is late, and I am tired. So I will end with the last one in The Insatiable Host's honor:

Jillian was nimble, Jillian was quick, but Jillian still couldn't dodge Chick Norris' roundhouse kick!


The Insatiable Host said...

(stands alone with this first comment and starts the slow, solo clap)



Julie-words can not express how sore my fucking abs are because not only did i just finish boot camp for the day - and it was level 2 - i just read this and want to tell you i love you! chick norris isn't into box, but love you anyhow...this was amazing!!! Personal fav's - Jillian was nimble, Jillian was quick, but Jillian still couldn't dodge Chick Norris' roundhouse kick!! and chick norris doesn't have a period she has 2 points and an exclamation point!!!

Brilliant!! xoxo thank you thank you!!!

PS...When your this big, they call you Chick Norris and I share the hat with you my friend!

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