No, CH, There Is No Santa Claus

Current Husband was out at the brewery with some of his buddies, listening to their tales of wives finishing their Christmas shopping. They spoke of how their houses were decorated, the gifts were wrapped, the Christmas cards out, and the meal to be prepared. CH knew the other things were done in our home, but he was not up-to-date on what was being served at the Christmas Eve meal, or what was to be in my stocking. He came to me for guidance. Here was my response:

"CH - there is no frigging Santa Claus. I AM SANTA CLAUS! I'm the one who put the lights up outside after Thanksgiving while the Cowboys were playing. I'm the one who started shopping for your children this summer. It was I who bought the tree and (with the help of a strapping young man) crammed said tree into the minivan. There are no elves. I untangled the lights to drape around the tree, and lugged the tubs of decorations out from storage. These things do not get done by mystical creatures.

The gifts for your family, all me. Tell me, quick, what did we get your mom this year?! HA! That's what I thought. The 80+ Christmas cards, which have to have photos taken, a letter written, addresses procured and handwritten on the envelopes, and then licked shut and stamped? No Santa there!

Have you really believed that the noise on Christmas Eve is reindeer?! Hell, no! It was ME, swearing as I tried to carry gifts for three children up from the basement while you watched "A Christmas Story" for the third time and ate the sugar cookies - that I made! For the fake SANTA!

The fat man in red is a FAIRY TALE! I create all of the magic, as surely as George Lucas put Carrie Fisher in cinnamon bun braids, chains, and a gold bikini to create magical sexy Princess Leia. How dreary the world would be without the women who put this holiday together! And if we did not actually believe, during our darkest hour of trying to figure out what to give the mail carrier and how much will fit in the stockings, that everything would indeed come together somehow as if by magic, we would be lying to our children as well. But we have to believe in something other than red wine and methamphetamine, because the whole Christmas job can get overwhelming.


Believe in Santa Claus! You might as well believe Tiger Woods will never cheat again if Elin sticks around! The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see, but does that mean it has to be something as complicated as a big man in a bad suit? Can't it just be something as simple as a mother's love and the power of coffee? Have you ever seen a reindeer with a glowing red nose? Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? If so, you need to put down the Maker's Mark and we need to have a talk.

And that Christmas sex you have every year? NOT Mrs. Claus, despite any costumes to the contrary. That's right, CH. I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never let you forget you're a man. Is it all real? The decor, the tree, the cards, the cookies, the gifts, the sex? CH, in all this world there is nothing else more real and abiding. But if you think someone named Santa magically makes these things appear while I am running around unshowered and in the same outfit two days running muttering to myself under my breath, you are delusional.

And if we have frozen pizza for dinner on Christmas Eve, you will smile a loving smile into my eyes and tell me it is delicious. And if you need help with my stocking, stop in Target for 15 minutes and get me a Starbucks gift card, a bag of Reese's miniatures, the new "It Might Get Loud" movie starring The Edge, another Jen Lancaster book, or a new laptop. I've got more where that came from. I'm easy like a Sunday morning.

No Santa Claus! Thank God! Because he would just be another person for whom I would cook and clean and purchase a gift card. I already make him cookies, the ungrateful bastard. So in answer to your question, CH, No. No there isn't a Santa Claus. But the magic of Christmas is alive, because I love you and your children, and you all love me back, and that makes it all worthwhile."

Merry Christmas to all. And thank you to CH, who lovingly allows me to slander him in my blog on a regular basis. He's actually a pretty good guy.

NOTE: There will be no Whoreticulture Friday this week because it falls on the day that the Virgin Mother gave birth to our Savior, and it just seems wrong. Happy Birthday Jesus!