Sunday, December 13, 2009

SNL, I'm Available!

I've watched Saturday Night Live since it was one year old in 1976. Seriously.

I was seven years old, but my parents were in their 30's and it was the 1970's, and Saturday Night was alright, alright, alright, according to Elton John. We lived on a lake, so most Saturday nights were party time. We'd ride around in the boat until dark, have a bonfire on the beach, grill out, and then the kids would be put in bed around 10 p.m. when they started dozing off. However, I was born to be a thorn in my parent's side, and from birth I would stay awake most nights until midnight. My parents got to the point where if they knew I was watching TV inside, even SNL was better for me than watching the drinking grown-ups outside. And so I fell in love with John Belushi, Dan Akroyd, Gilda Radner, Jane Curtin, Bill Murray, Laraine Newman, and Garret Morris.

I've been a loyal follower ever since, and even when people say SNL sucks, there are still enough diamonds in the rough to make it worth watching.

However, last Saturday night, with Taylor Lautner as the host, was a dud. And I can fix it!

The opening was okay, but they had Taylor overdo it a bit with his martial arts exhibition. Yes, yes, you can do a back flip. We get it. And the football sketch afterward went on way too long. There was a New Moon reference or two, but they could have gone crazy and it would have been hilarious. Here are my ideas:

1. In the skit where Kristin Wiig plays the woman who can't keep a secret, it was about Taylor and a woman who are married and going to announce she is pregnant. BO-Ring! We've seen the "Can't Keep a Secret" woman before. So why didn't they have Edward and Jacob hanging out with Bella at home, and Charlie is coming home from fishing, and the Can't Keep a Secret woman is there, dying because she wants to tell Charlie about the vampire and werewolf in the house? It was there, ripe for the pickin'! And Andy Samberg has already done Edward, so the costume is even ready.

2. They could have a funny skit with High School Musical vs. Twilight...the "we're all in this together!" kids versus the goth kids who are into vampires. SNL does great musical sketches, it could have been hilarious.

3. They could have Are You Smarter Than a Werewolf game show, with a Michael J. Fox as Teen Wolf v. Jacob v. Jack Nicholson from Wolf, and thrown in Chewbacca for fun.
HOST: "What is the square root of Pi?"
Jacob: "Dang it, even the bloodsucker knew this one!"
MJF: (squeaky voice) "Well I don't know it as Teen Wolf, but Alex Keaton would have known it for sure!"
JACK: "Are you friggin' kidding me? Why am I here?"
Chewie: "ARRRRGGGG!"

4. Bella could be leaving for the Christmas holiday to visit her mother in Jacksonville, and she is trying to check Jacob into the vet to have him kenneled while she is gone. He is resisting and making arguments for why he shouldn't be kenneled, but then he gets mad, morphs into a werewolf, and they shoot him with tranquilizer guns and take him back to kennel him anyway.

5. Taylor Lautner was Sharkboy in one of the worst kid's films, Shark Boy and Lava girl. They should have done a skit with him reprising his role as Shark Boy - maybe as LANDSHARK-Boy!!!

6. And of course, you KNOW Taylor Swift was there. But if she wasn't, someone could have played her, and they could do a skit where the Taylors were recording an album of duets about love. So Taylor Swift starts singing in the microphone, and Taylor Lautner howls.

And P.S. - BON friggin' JOVI as the musical guest? Do you have to advertise that you are old? Thanks be to J that Muse is your musical guest next time, or I would have been uptight.

Whew. I feel so much better to get that off of my chest. I just take it a little personally when SNL lets me down. You're better than that, guys. I'm available.


The Insatiable Host said...

Hello my name is Lorne Michaels and i think you are a brilliant writer. could you please send us your scripts as we too feel that there are more diamonds in the ruff for SNL; however it's been more ruff than Tiger's been seein...

DUDE you totally personal fave is the Celebrity Jeopardy/Are you smarter than a warewolf...

Sean Connery - "have you got the beast in your sights?"

THanks again for the really did make my day...

Chick Norris

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