Thursday, February 10, 2011

It's Whoreticulture Friday!
Issue 57

Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygiene mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word "culture". Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology. Whoreticulture Friday is not for children. Or squeamish people. Or Mother-In-Laws. Or people I work with. Or neighbors who are raising feral cats. Or the people who read this post last year.

Today's topic: I'm lame. Ditto.

I'm sure many of you are thinking "Ditto? Oh goody, it's a post on Patrick Swayze in "Ghost"!" but unfortunately, Wifers, I am not that clever this evening. This day started at 6:30 a.m., I hit the ground running, and it's 9:40 p.m. and I just got home from running kids and I haven't had dinner and I'm on Day 3 of God's Punishment for Eve and no one did the dishes and I'm gearing up for one of my famous "Martyr Mom" performances in about 10 minutes.

SO. I'm going to re-post last year's Teddy Bear post from Valentine's Day. Because I liked it, because I need to remind Current Husband not to get me a teddy bear, and because I am lame-O. However, I will leave you with this one small Oldest Daughter Teen Nugget Of Wisdom before I plagarize myself - we were talking about cliques at school, and she said that it was the majority opinion that many of a certain group of girls in the school are 'whores'. I said, "I thought most of those girls go to church regularly" and she said, "Mom, the only difference between the church girls who are whores and the non-church girls who are whores is that God is watching the Church Girls with more disappointment." From the mouths of babes....

Happy VD, Wifers!

Today's topic:  I love Teddy Bears!

Valentine's Day is upon us, the most whorish of all holidays, because if you don't find a meaningful way to profess your love to the one you're with, you could get dumped.  And while I love flowers and sex, I actually don't like to get either on Valentine's Day because it feels so contrived.  I do, however, love seeing the commercials that come out around VD to let us know how exactly we should be sharing our feelings with each other.  

I've learned that you can never, never go wrong by giving an overpriced teddy bear in lieu of a professional massage or nice jewelery or a lovely dinner or a nice bottle of wine.  That bear will be there forever, reminding you that someone cared enough to get you a stuffed animal.  And nothing gets a guy laid faster than a grown woman getting a teddy bear in boxer shorts or with a parrot on its shoulder delivered to her office in front of her peers.  When you pull up in your 1988 Econoline van with the blacked out windows to pick her up she won't be able to keep her hands off that bear...or you.  That bear says, "This guy is a keeper".  Because what woman older than 25 DOESN'T have a teddy bear on her wish list for Valentine's Day?  We all do.  Every one of us.

DISCLAIMER:  To those of you receiving a teddy bear for Valentine's Day, that's super, really, and you are probably getting more than I will, but I can't help but poke some fun.  Teddy bears are sweet.  Like puppies.  I'm just a bitch that way, and I am sorrier for it than you will ever know.  CH is likely going to read this and return my teddy bear, and I won't get anything but "I read your blog, you insensitive bitch".

A Valentine's Teddy Bear says "I am mature" or "I think you're 14" or "I'm almost ready for commitment" or "I love you almost as much as my mother" - but it can say so much more.  For just $50-$300, plus shipping, you can decide what message you want to send this Valentine's Day:

The "I Plan to Abuse You" bear, $49.95.


The "Be in My Polygamy Compound" bear, $49.95.

The "Devil Worshiper Who Still Needs An Adult Diaper" bear, $59.95

The "I'm Not Giving Up Porn After We're Married" bear, $200.

The "I Actually Love Another Woman" bear, $65.95


The "I Am More Masculine Than You Think I Am" bear, $59.95


The "I Still Play Dungeons & Dragons" bear, $74.95.
The "I'm Actually Gay" bears, $200.

The "I'm Likely To End Up in Prison" bear, $75.95


The "I Expose Myself to Children" bear, $95.95


The "I Hate You So Much I Bought You a Redneck Bear" bear, $49.95

The "Date Me Or The Puppy Gets It" bear, $54.95

The "Stick Your Hand In My Candy Bag And See if You Find a Sucker" bear, $125


The "Guess What's in Her Right Hand" bear, $250

and last but not least,


 The "I Don't Know How To Tell You Your Coochie Stinks" bear, $300

Happy Whoreticulture Friday, and Happy Valentine's Day!


RubyTwoShoes said...

this is great. and yes, VD is a load of contrived bollocks. i think i did such a good job of convincing my partner of this that the most i have ever received from him is a Post-It note with a bit of scribble on it, but I'm not complaining - he could have sent me one of those bears! that would have been freaky....

Anonymous said...

Nice ad on your page today from build-a-bear. Intelligent advertising yay! --Anne

GrandeMocha said...

I read "commercials that come out around VD" as commercials about Venereal diseases. :)

Julie, The Wife said...

...and that makes me want to Google how many people contract VD on Valentine's Day...

Wendy Ramer said...

You are too funny, and it's actually the bitchiness that seals the deal ;-) I have never been a fan of VD exactly b/c of the contrived nature of what I call a Hallmark Holiday. Thanks for making me smile!

Anissa said...

Once again, Wife, you have me in tears. Thank you. LOL!

FYI, you got a wonderful mention over at the Gatekeeper's blog. Check it out.

Anonymous said...

I am pretty sure you will not go to Hell for educating the masses about Whoreticulture. I consider it a public service. Thanks for the laugh!

Anita said...

Attending an auction in Lisbon I overhead a man say ( remember again I was in Lisbon) - "the best thing is you can get about 20 minutes from a good stuffed animal...."- he was using them in his wood burning stove. I gave him almost all of ours. Cause that's how nice I am.

Pablo said...

Does that chick comes with the second-to-last bear?

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