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Nigella Lawson said on NPR today that she is to Valentine's Day what The Scrooge is to Christmas, and I have to say that I'm a bit the same. I love Current Husband, he loves me, that's super. So why is it that I get irritated every Valentine's Day? Let me give you my rundown of irrational reasons I'm bugged by Valentine's Day:
- Flowers. My sister-in-law owns a greenhouse, and this is one of her busiest days, so I hope you all buy flowers from your locally owned florist. That said, I get really pissed at the pressure put on people to order flowers. I would much rather get a random bouquet of flowers during the year for no good reason than to get flowers on V Day or birthday. I did get flowers today, for probably the third time total in the 20 years I've been with CH, and they were lovely, but I was the only woman in the building who got them, and honestly I felt a little guilty, like I had to say, "No, really, I'm usually totally disappointed with the rest of you today." Anniversaries, however, are flower occasions, especially on anniversaries divisible by five. There were flowers at the wedding, it seems like a nice reminder.
- Candy. Sweet Baby Jesus, how much candy can I stuff in my craw in one day? After Halloween, I ingest more chocolate today than during the rest of the year combined. It's because everyone is getting chocolate, but no one wants to eat it all because we're all on the downside of eating ourselves into a coma from Thanksgiving through New Years and we're all thinking, "Oh hell, I'm fat again and swimsuit season is coming - please someone else eat the rest of this chocolate!"
- Music. I have to listen to the Top Hits station because of my teen/pre-teen, and have you heard some of what passes as relationship music? Rihanna's new song is about S&M, it actually repeats "S S S S and M M M" and the chorus says "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me". I'm sorry, aren't you the girl who was beaten silly by Chris Brown? Who is your manager? Then the rest of the songs are "Let's get drunk and crunk and glitter on the floor and take off our clothes and ride the disco stick". But whatever you do, DO NOT KISS OR RESPECT ME. Because then I will tire of you. My God, I'm old.
- Porn. I love the ads for Doctor John's porn shop or whatever it is, and they say, "Come here for all of your sex toy and fetish needs" and "It's Valentine's Day all year here!" Yes! My idea of Valentine's Day is a gag ball and leather studded chaps. Giddyup, Valentine! Now spank that ass! And how many husbands are saying, "Yes, I need to get my special lady friend a Valentine's gift AND I like porn, so I can hang out in this porn shop for a few hours, and then buy her a gift that says 'I intend for you to pleasure me this holiday'." Brilliant.
- Dinner. This one is Nigella's, not mine. She said today that one reason she hates Valentine's Day is that some couples use it as the one night a year they go out for dinner, and then you end up in a restaurant with 20 couples who have nothing to say to each other. I don't necessarily agree with Nigella on this one, because I am always up for an excuse to go out for dinner, but I do avoid VD because you can never get in anywhere because of the Valentine crowd. I like to dine on the Thursday after, because it's quiet then. Happy Valentine's Day, food. I love you.
Happy Valentine's Day, Wifers! I give you all a big sloppy kiss! And crotchless underpants!
5 comments:
So I take it you didn't get the crotchless underpants, then?
My husband got me a 1 hour pregnancy massage and a fancy Italian dinner. Not too shabby, but not exactly crotchless panties, either. ;)
I thought of you yesterday. All day long everyone in my office was saying "Happy V-Day!" and all I could think was "Happy Vagina Day!". So I said that to my team mates, and they laughed hysterically and we continued to tell each other Happy Vagina Day all day long.
Then I got home and told my hubs and he said he had always thought the exact same thing when he heard "Happy V-Day". Only he thought it was fitting because he knew he was going to get some that night. Ha!
And by the way--In Number 5? I also avoid VD. But are we talking about the same thing? ;)
I've been stalking you for a week or so now...figured it was time to raise my hand and say hello before you issue a TRO on me. Yes, I'm the one that has your blog open on my computer for a good 6-9 hours a day. I've been reading back through all your old posts, I think I'm somewhere in June now.
Anyhoo, found you through The Bloggess and absolutely adore you! I'm intrigued with the squirrel as well...write on.
If you aren't buying me dinner, you may keep the sloppy kiss. I will, however, take the crotchless underpants. Thank you.
As always. Cracked me stinkin' up! :) Love the porn shop listing--I died laughing last night on a rerun of The Office where Pam is waiting patiently to hopefully get a Valentine's gift (flowers--sorry)from Roy, and at the end of the day she points out all the other ladies in the office got flowers. Roy says, "oh, I got your present alright. When we get home, you gonna have the best sex of your life!"--look on Pam's face was priceless. :) So thought of that with your #4.
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