Thursday, February 3, 2011

It's Whoreticulture Friday!
Issue 56

Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygiene mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word "culture". Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology. Whoreticulture Friday is not for children. Or squeamish people. Or Mother-In-Laws. Or people I work with. Or neighbors who are raising feral cats. Or the Pope.

Today's topic: Hooker Rant

Hello Wifers!  The first order of business today is to give a big inappropriate invasion of your personal space hug to the new followers to ADITW,  and thanks to the recent terrific comments and blog awards - I'm a total loser and I don't post blog awards here anymore because I'm essentially a lazy person, but I really appreciate the shout-out!  You're all wonderful and I think about each of you in the shower.

Second order of business - Today was unusual in that I had a frustrating day at work.  I REALLY want to rant about it, but I sort of have a policy regarding work-related blogging, in that it could be harmful to my employment, and I actually like my job.  Conveniently, it is Whoreticulture Friday, so I'm going to rant about my day at work using metaphors.  It's like a game!  Yay!  See if you can detect what is real, and what is a carefully hidden object of workplace rage!

So yesterday, we had an order for a bunch of condoms to go out to the hookers.  The hookers have been asking for these condoms for a long time, and they've been finding it hard to work without them.  Hookers are patient, but when they don't have the right equipment, they start losing money.  When hookers start losing money, they call and start yelling, or worse, make Big Daddy call and yell.  Because I really hate the yelling, I tend to try to see how we can get the condoms out the door faster.

I went into the condom distribution area, and Sushi, the main condom packer, said she was just overwhelmed because the order from our biggest hooker in New Hampshire was "too big an order" and Sushi and her people just couldn't build the condoms fast enough.  Plus, there have been a few reports that the condoms are breaking, and that is REALLY pissing the hookers off.  Of course, Candi, our New Hampshire hooker, had placed her order in December, and the Johns have been lining up, so she wants her damn condoms.  Like yesterday.  Keep in mind that there are about 60 other hookers who are also busy turning tricks after Candi, and they want their condoms too, even though they don't have as many as Candi.  But Sushi is just overwhelmed by Candi's order, even though it's been on the board for 6 weeks and by my count, we already had 2/3 of the ticklers, ribbed for her pleasure, and ultra-thins available to ship.

So I go into the Trojan shop, and I say, "Hey Sushi, are you ready for a packing list for these condoms?" and Sushi says, "No, it's too big an order, we're not shipping Candi her rubbers" and I say, "Well we have to ship something to someone, because there are unwrapped glowsticks all over the Eastern Seaboard and I don't want my bitches getting STD's" and Sushi said, "Well I don't got nothin' to send" and I said, "Yes, you do.  If Candi's order can't go out the door, then we're going to take a few condoms out of her order and send boxes out to five hookers in California and New Mexico because they only have one or two condoms each, and then we will at least get some hookers off our backs."

And we shipped five boxes of condoms, thus saving California and New Mexico from a horrible oubreak of viral hepatitis, as opposed to the ZERO boxes Sushi was planning on shipping.  From a list of over 60 hookers who have no protection and rely on clean vajayjays to do their jobs, whose orders are now over 30 days.

What does Sushi do?  She goes to Big Daddy and says she just can't produce the Trojan Magnum Ultra-Sensitive as fast as she should because I'm making her do too many things.  I can totally see the logic - without me in the condom factory, we are shipping ZERO boxes, syphillis everywhere.  With me IN the condom factory, we are shipping boxes, and at least some bitches aren't getting bacterial vaginosis. 

So.  If you end up with abnormal swelling, itching, and oozing in the next 30 days, don't blame me.  Blame Sushi. 

Thanks for the rant.  I can now go to work with a smug smile on my face and spring in my step because I have vented all over the internets.  And if you are a hooker, know I go to work every day to fight for your party.

Happy Whoreticulture Friday, and have a great weekend!


Elly Lou said...

I can't see the word vaginosis and not giggle. Well played.

Kris said...

Here's my rant of the day ... if you are not currently hooking, don't be in my area disrupting me! You surely have some prep work for your next John ... be gone!!!

Jenn said...

Pissed off hookers are never a good thing. Good for you for getting the boxes shipped. :)

chellec said...

I love this blog. Check out mine, it a contant work in progress:

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