Friday, June 11, 2010

It's Teeniculture Friday! Issue 1

Teeniculture: The industry and science of teens and teen-related topics. Teeniculturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of sarcasm, attitude, mood swings of epic proportions, and coolness. The word is composite, from two words, teen, from Greek meaning "still a child" or "knows more than you", and the word "culture". Like NPR's Science Friday, Teeniculture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Teenology. Teeniculture Friday is not for teens. Or their friends. Or their siblings.

Today's topic: What the kids are saying.

I admit it, I get kind of a kick out of teenagers.  When they aren't completely pissing me off, they're funny.  Since the past few weeks have been a little on the vibrator side, I thought maybe it was time for some immature fun, which happens to be my favorite kind.

The other day, Oldest Daughter and I were in the car talking when a Ke$ha song came on.  If you are unfamiliar with Ke$ha, she is a whore.  Or at least she wants you to think she's one.  She also would like you to think she has a drug addiction, multiple personalities, and brushes her teeth with Jack Daniels.  But she's fun at a party, and that excuses most behavior (Point of reference?  Me, high school.)  I start talking to to OD about Ke$ha, and why we will not be friends with the Ke$has in school.  OD responds by rolling her eyes, and then performing her new trick which is to retort to any statement with "YOU do it".
For example:
ME:  "OD, I don't like how Ke$ha is like a love-sick crackhead."
OD:  "YOU'RE a love-sick crackhead!"
ME:  "That's not funny."
OD:  "YOU'RE not funny!"
ME:  "Knock it off."
OD:  "YOU knock it off!"
ME:  (glaring at her in silence)
OD:  "YOU glare in silence!"
She laughs the entire time this goes on, and it's actually pretty funny for the first two minutes, and then it's like she's three all over again and wants to watch Barney.  I get tired of it, so I fume and drive.  OD seems to sense I am a Woman On The Edge, and says this:

"On a scale of 1 to Chris Brown, 
how mad are you?" 

I think that's about the funniest thing ever.  She breaks me. It turns out that there are about a million Facebook pages with similar sentiments.  Here are a few she has 'liked' for your reading pleasure:
"On a scale of 1 to Ke$ha, how drunk are you?"
"Things magically appear when your mom looks for them"
"Where WERE you?  Chill Mom, I was in Narnia"
And then there are the "LOL jk" pages. Thousands of them.
"It's not you, it's me.  LOL jk, it's you."
"I'm ridin' solo...LOL jk, my mom's driving."
"We're all in this together...LOL jk You're all alone" (67K)
"Your tan looks great ...LOL jk Willie Wonka wants you to get back to work" (I million)

It's true.  The Willie Wonka tan page has over 1 MILLION Likers.  My FB fanpage has 252.  Who says teenagers don't have power?  So find a teen.  Befriend them.  Find out what is on their iPod and what Facebook pages they Like, and then go out and do the same thing so it renders the trend uncool.  This is how we keep the teens busy and occupied so they stay sober and un-pregnant.  Trust me, it will be epic.  So Possum.  See how uncool these previously cool teenage words become when I say them?  Double True.

Happy Teeniculture Friday, and have an epic weekend! 


GrandeMocha said...

Please share any ideas you have for "keep the teens busy and occupied so they stay sober and un-pregnant." I have a boy but I worry about him getting involved with the slutty little girls in my neighborhood. I know what I was like & that scares me!

Jenj said...

So I have found myself living full-time with my husband's 14 y.o. daughter from a previous marriage. Her mom died march 09. It's been rough & awkward & everything in between. She's a good kid (NOT like I was at 14) but I sometimes find myself wanting to just drive away (with my 5 y.o. son) and never look back. It's hard, I'm tired and this is my life now. For the first 6 years of Boobs' & I's marriage I thought "wish 'she' (the exzilla) would just GO AWAY!"...never thinking in a million years she would DIE! So somedays I'm so thankful to be the one "raising" OC and somedays I wish I could turn back the clock. So instead I started smoking again and have at least 3 beers every night. whatever works. Look forward to next issue of Teeniculture...

Joe Ambrosino said...

So glad I had girls who were teens before internet and who "matured" later, although I was still shocked when my wife informed me they were at 19 or 20 "sexually active". They were still brats, however.It's those smart ass answers to everything you say that make you want to kill (and they are still capable of it at 40!)

Dr. Heckle said...

"1 to Chris Brown," ROFL

I actually did laugh out loud, that was pretty damn funny.

Claire Marie said...

Hahahaha, "YOU glare in silence!!!" Your daughter sounds hilarious. No wonder you like teenagers.

Wendy Ramer said...

Perfect. I already learned "epic" from you. Now I can "possum" and "double true". At this rate, I'll have the jargon down before my 9-year-old can catch up. And for the record, Ke$ha is an epic whore. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I can count on one hand how many times my level of drunkedness has been a Ke$ha. As for anger, the closest I ever get is Barbra Streisand.

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