Thursday, June 17, 2010

It's Whoreticulture Friday! Issue 30

Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygiene mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word "culture". Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology. Whoreticulture Friday is not for children. Or squeamish people. Or Mother-In-Laws. (Yes, KAREN, that includes YOU!)

Today's topic: Signs you are totally immature.

I'm just going to apologize up front to my mom and the three non-English speaking people who read this blog, because I am going to be a tiny bit of a slacker for the next week.  We have a little something going on the land of The Wife, and it's going to eat up all of my time for the next week, but I'll post a couple of times at 2 a.m., sleep deprived and high on paint fumes.  Soy perezoso, Carmen.  Lo siento.

Tonight, Current Husband and I met a lovely friend couple for dinner.  They are en route to a new home in Chicagoland from Seattle, and they stopped in our hood for a bit, so lucky us.  Double bonus is that they are hilarious, and always have the funniest stories.  I could choose from so, so many.  Like, for instance, the minute we sat down her husband said, "Look behind you.  Look now.  Now.  Now.  Look now."  So I look, and there is either the best themed costume dinner ever, or the retired Real Housewives of Coney Island were sitting behind us.  In Iowa.  I kid you not, at least six leopards died for dresses at that table, the jewelery was costume and teal and clunky, and the bleach in the beehive hairdos was enough to clean a crime scene.  The force was strong with them.  

When our waitress came to the table for our order, he said to her, "I'd like a picture of everyone at that table" and motioned to Cougarville.  I bow to the Master.  Although when I ordered my beer, a local brew called "The Duke of Wellington", I said, "I'll take a Duke.  Bring lots of napkins", and her husband and I cracked up.  Then when I ordered another one I got to say, "I need to take another Duke".  CH and my friend just looked at each other and rolled their eyes, much like exhausted parents with their unruly preschoolers in a restaurant, except that the preschoolers were drinking.

However, one of the funnier stories of the night was about sign language.

I am a huge fan of sign language.  I love language in general, but when you add hand gestures it becomes something altogether different.  It's fun to say "Fuck you" when you are mad at someone, but thrusting that middle finger in the air is so satisfying, yet somehow less dirty.  Or how about the "grab the package" move?  Michael Jackson brought it to mainstream, Madonna gave it to women, and the guys from Jersey Shore have made it seem like a normal way to communicate.  When I get annoyed with CH, I like to say nothing, make my eyes really big, and throw my hand in the air like "WHAT!!!!"  And he knows exactly what I am saying.

My friend described how she took her 10-year-old to her local Children's Hospital, where they had a seminar about how to talk about sex with your child.  She took her older daughter to the event a few years ago, but this time there was a sign language interpreter for the hearing impaired, and my friend found herself watching the signer during the talk.  At one point, they were talking about erections, and the signer had her hand in a fist and her arm extended and slightly lifted.  The speaker was saying, "Sometimes boys get erections, and they won't go down.  They won't go down." and the signer is pushing down on her arm, and then her arms boings back up, and then pushes down on her arm, and then it boings back up.  My friend and her daughter are both watching the signer and start giggling.  Later, the daughter is having lunch with her dad, older sister, and her grandmother, and she is recounting the occasion.  When she gets to the part about the erections, and shows the motions, her grandmother, who raised three boys, said, "Well if it doesn't go down you just need to flick it at the top of the head and it will shrink back," and the dad was like, "Uh, MOM, you are talking to my DAUGHTER!"

I'm listening to this story, and I'm thinking "Sign language is AWESOME!"

So, as a service to my Whoreticulture Friday readers, I am going to be sure you know all of the appropriate ways to sign sexual things, because it is important.  And it reminds me of when I was in fifth grade and my friends and I looked up all of the "dirty" words in the dictionary.  (She said DICK-tionary.....hehehehehehehehehee!)  Unfortunately, I can't link you to the individual words, so you have to look up the words in the dictionary on this site,  Just click on the linked lines below and it will take you to the site.

Would you like to say "You are a dick"?  Simply point at the person for "you" and then make this sign for "penis":  Look up Penis in the dictionary, and it will give you the video directions.  Notice that the woman's mouth smirks slightly while she makes the sign.

Say to your husband, "You are a huge pussy."  Again, thrust your finger in his direction, and make the sign for a va-jay-jay.  Look up Vagina in the dictionary, and watch the vid.

There are lots of other great signs you should know, like Breast, Birth Control Device, Urine, Penetration, or my favorite, Condom.  That chick looks like a ball breaker when she does the sign, and then smirks afterward, like, "just kidding, let's still do it."  

I love this site.  I think everyone should know sign language, and how awesome to know's like you can speak the Zoom language, Ubbi Dubbi, or you know gang signs, but it's actually useful and you'll be so glad the first time you need to know it and can.  Since I spent so much time on the site looking up body parts and functions, perhaps I should study a sign that the deaf community will associate with me - the sign for Pervert.

Happy Whoreticulture Friday!  Have a great weekend!


TC said...

You had me @ the leopard print ladies. I'm following and glad to meet someone with the same sense of humor....nuff said, flick flick.....

angie said...

Don't forget you got a cow mooing on your plate and unidentified goo on your purse. Good times!

Wendy Ramer said...

Highly educational AND entertaining, as usual ;-) I sign thank you.

chasing empty pavements said...

My coworker and I are looking at this and busting a gut. Thank you!

Joe Ambrosino said...

It must be a great adventure being your husband. I tip my proverbial hat to him.

Suzy said...

If it's Whoreticulture Friday then you should teach people how to be immanure.

scooba said...

Did you look up fudgesicle? It's the same signer as condom and, well, I don't know what a fudgesicle is but it sounded kind of rude and, what can I say? The sign will not disappoint.

Vodka and Ground Beef said...

What don't I love about your blog and writing? Let me think about it, wait ... wait. Oh, right. Motherf****ing nothing. (Do you love my classy use of stars there?!)

Loved this post. I'll be signing whorish things all this week, especially because I start teaching summer school to high schoolers, and I'll need that for discipline and for personal sanity.

Finally, how great is it that I'm writing this comment while jamming to Ace of Base. Awesome.

Julie, The Wife said...

Is your handle really Vodka and Ground Beef? Because I think that is kick ass. And I use stars a lot too because I have relatives who read this, and even though they've actually heard me say the words without the stars, it seems more respectful somehow. Never mind the fact that Friday is a column called Whoreticulture Friday. Sigh.

Post a Comment

Let's talk. Tell me all about it.