Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Mother vs. Nature, part 2

Continued from last night...

So Todd and I are  battling mutant rodents in the yard in hand to hand combat, but they are retaliating by bringing in giant rabid raccoons to crap next to the house.  I decided to eliminate their cover by hacking through the jungle of weeds and hedges that abut the garden.  As I'm climbing behind the garden fence with my pruners in hand, I swear I hear little squeaky voices saying, "Stanley!  Grab a beer and a camcorder, this is going to be great!" and another squeaky voice saying, "The dumb bitch is going to fall for it!" and a third, deeper voice yelling, "Alvin!"

I cut back into the weedy growth and hedges about a foot, so if the chipmunks are approaching the fence, we can see them and use our 30 foot flamethrower to incinerate them.  However, about 12 hours later, I realize that I have been handling this:
 Say hello to poison sumac.

It started as a little bug bite on my family gobbler chin.  I sort of absentmindedly scratched it, and thought, "Huh.  I need to use bug repellent."  Then it sort of spread, and then I could feel it developing on my chest where my bra strap would be, and then on my hip, and I thought, "Uh oh." Because whenever I get into poison ivy, oak, and now sumac, I turn into a balls-out leper.  Think I'm kidding?  Get a load of this action:

 This picture?  Is actually flattering.
I have a patch of this the size of a tea saucer on my chest, and a long 2-3 inch wide strip from my abdomen down my hip on either side.  At least I can rest assured that I will not get pregnant this month.  Glass half full!

You might be asking yourself, "Self, what is poison sumac like?"  Well, you are in luck, because my public humiliation is your learning tool.  It burns like when James bit Bella on the arm and Edward had to suck it out but he wasn't sure if he could stop. (By the way, why didn't Edward's eyes turn red after sucking Bella's blood?  Huh?)  It is blistery and oily and crusted over, and looks like there are tiny disgusting water balloons all over me.  Tonight I was working on the porch, my FAVORITE place in the world at this time of year, and Youngest Daughter was eating a bag of Cheetos in a nearby rocking chair.  Suddenly, out of NOWHERE, she throws down her bag of Cheetos and yells at me.  "I wish you had never gotten into that poison stuff because your face is so disgusting I can't eat!" and she stomped out of the room, crying.
YES, my face makes children cry.

And?  Oldest Daughter had to tell me my chin was dripping as I drove her to school today, which is every middle schooler's dream next to having her mom show everyone the Thriller dance in the middle school gym.  I had to carry a napkin with me to the Son's baseball game tonight so I could soak up my disgusting sap on the bleachers with the other parents.  They all gave me a wide berth.  I'm also lactating boil secretions through my shirt, and it's been a long time since I've secreted or lactated.  Yay, me!  Even Todd "Hot Nuts" Epstein is eying me funny.  

So I guess I am on house arrest for the week, because this is really too disgusting for words.  When I was 11 I got the chicken pox and had my mom get me a yellow shirt with glitter rainbow letters that said, "POXY LADY" because weirdly enough I loved Jimi Hendrix back then.  I mean, I love him now, but at 11?  I was ahead of my time.  So I'm thinking of what t-shirts I could get for this.  Here are some ideas:
  1.  "Kiss me, I'm a leper!
  2. "You should see the other guy!"
  3. "It's not syphilis - yet."
  4. "Kiss the Cook!"
  5. "Crusty the Clown Did This To Me"
  6. "Seeking Pro Bono Dermatologist"
So the chipmunks have won this battle, but they have not won the war.  I plan to give them smallpox infested blankets and acorns rubbed in cold sores.  If they want to go to dermatological warfare, bring it on, baby.  I got all summer.


Joe Ambrosino said...

OMG! You poor thing. I almost scratched my arm off when I got poison ivy walking around in the woods a couple of years ago.

lostgirlnebraska said...

I definitely vote for t-shirt #3. ;) Hope you feel better!

Wendy Ramer said...

A big fat "Awwww" b/c I can't imagine your discomort right now. I hope when all is said and done with the chipmunk saga you get those nasty varmints and poor itching powder all over them!

Anonymous said...

Hey Julie,

I don't know about poison oak or sumac, but Band-Aid Calamine Spray (formerly Rhuli Spray)is the best product I have found for poison ivy. Very cool and soothing.Good luck!


GrandeMocha said...

Call your dermatologist. My husband got some lotion from the derm when he got posion ivy that really helped. Made him smell like an old man.

Julie, The Wife said...

I'm off to the doctor at 11 a.m.! Tired of blotting my face and chest with napkins as my children cringe and weep.

I would LOVE to smell like an old man.

Megan said...

Aw, hunni, I'm sorry it got you! I just went through something similar. In one of those "I can't believe I'm really blogging about this moments", I wrote about it here http://bytchin.com/2010/05/13/poison-ivy-private-parts-sometimes-i-hate-my-boyfriend/
Trust me, my misery will make you giggle.
At least for poison ivy, burn relief spray with lidocaine worked fabulously. St. Ives makes an oatmeal face mask that I slathered over any poisoned places and it drew the itch right out and provided some desperately needed temporary relief. Baths with those bath salts were soothing as well, if you can find enough quiet time to get some relaxing in!!

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