Tuesday, October 19, 2010

It's Not a Job, It's an Adventure

So I have some news in the Day of this Wife - I have ALREADY quit The Job I Can't Blog About. Yes, that's right, I'm a quitter, and I could not be happier about it. Ten pounds of hair, a couple of bald patches, four periods in two months, face sagging off of my skull and 100 Prilosecs later and I am almost free. My last day is next Wednesday, and if you listen closely you might hear the sound of jubilant laughter followed by the screeching of tires pealing out of a parking lot. I would like to add that the people I worked with were fantastic, truly, but enough is enough. I just started The Job I Can't Blog About on August 1, but I am a lucky, lucky girl, because I found what could very well be The Best Job Ever.

Best Job Ever came to my attention last Monday, because Current Husband was spending most of his days looking for jobs for me. CH was not a big fan of The Job I Can't Blog About, as it dramatically increased The Wife's stress level and cut back on his Getting Laid Time. When men don't get laid, they spring into action. CH found the job on Monday, I sent my resume on Tuesday, I got a call on Wednesday, I had my interview on Thursday, an offer on Friday and gave my notice on Monday. Best Job Ever is about me selling tools one uses to make wool hooked rugs to individual artisans and distributors across the country, making the Facebook, Twitter, and website pages for the equipment (hello, social media time!), creating a product catalog, and traveling once a month to trade shows for rug hooking. That's right, people...

I've taken a job as a hooker.

And I couldn't be happier about it.  Obviously being a hooker is going to bring in more money, and there is profit sharing in the hooking field.  CH has already reaped the benefits of my new hooking career, which I begin on November 1.

As long as we are talking jobs, let me tell you about the Career Fair I attended today as a representative of my current company.  First let me point out that perhaps the person who just gave their notice after working there for two short months is not the person you want working your career fair.  As I walked out of the building at The Job I Can't Blog About, six different people told me to take their resumes with me and pass them out to other companies.  I told a number of people attending the career fair that I know of a position opening up next week at my company, so maybe I found my own replacement.

If you really want to get depressed, hang out at a career fair for a couple of hours in this economy.  There are some really well put together people who seem to have a solid background in their field who cannot find a job.  There seems to be a preponderance of very competent looking single mothers who can't get a living wage or a position with benefits to take care of their kids.  But I am not here to depress you, Wifers.  I'm here to be snarkily delicious, so let me give you my Top Hints of What Not To Do At a Career Fair:

1.  Do not tell the person in the booth you hate their company.  I honestly had a guy walk up, say he hated my company, and then take an application and ask if he could drop it off later.  Um, sure?  Do you want me to slap you when you turn it in?

2.  Do not say that you saw the position you just asked about in the paper and that we will never hire anyone at the salary listed.  And again, she took an application, filled it out, and dropped it off with me later.  Good luck in your job search.  Honesty is important....except when you are unemployed and trying to find a job.  A little less criticism, a little more smiling.

3.  Do not say that my company would not be in existence without the ball bearings/fexor valves/paper rolls your last company produced.  And then, you guessed it, took an application and filled it out.

4.  Do not wear any clothing that has Disney characters embroidered on it.  I swear to you, I would rather see you in a plain t-shirt with a forearm tattoo that says "Fuck Tha Police" than a sweatshirt that says "Tinkerbell" on it.

5.  Do not tell me you missed out on picking up a job posting because you were outside smoking.  My parents smoke, and I love them dearly, but in an employment situation you might as well say, "I'd like to have frequent breaks, smell badly, go through Nicotine withdrawal, and die early for your company."

6.  Do not walk with determination to my booth, throw down your resume, and walk away.

7.  Do not look at the job postings on the table and say, "This better not be another job requiring a Goddamned degree."

8.  Do not put your hand in the bowl of Hershey's kisses, grab as many as you can, stick them in your pocket, and then ask for an application.  Those kisses might as well be paper clips or blank checks.  Take one, and move along.
9.  Do not rant about how crappy your last job was.  Or I might be forced to write "Potential Shooter" in the Position Desired box on your application.

10.  Do not tell me we have no jobs that interest you, and then ask me for an application to show your unemployment officer.  Need more unemployment benefits?  Fine.  But let's all be a little more subtle about it.

Don't get me wrong, Wifers.  I am extremely sympathetic to serious people looking for employment.  It's a tough world out there, and I wish I could make it a lot easier for a lot of people.  I also know it's no fun to feel like you are stuck in a job you hate.  BUT.  If you are a Tink-wearing kisses-stealing anger-spewing company hater, fresh off your Career Fair smoke break, you just aren't going to get my gold star on your application.  And I'm not even the HR director, but I'm collecting the first impressions for him.  Also?  Remember that a smile goes a long way.

And I am smiling, honey.  Oh yes I am.  Have a great week! 


Mrs Woog said...

YAY! Go you. Always wanted to know what it would like to be a hooker. Are you going to start a Hooking blog?

PS Can you write about the job you cannot blog abour soon please?

GrandeMocha said...

If you need any wardrobe help, let me know. I know someone in the biz. You need some Pretty Woman boots.

muffintopmommy said...

OMG, you're killing me. Brilliant! I used to be a recruiter and oh my fracking muffin top, the shit people would say to me at job fairs was crazycakes! Definite book material. But seriously? You are gonna be an awesome hooker. I just know it. WOOT! Best of luck....hooking. :)

GrandeMocha said...

Will you be able to blog about hooking? Or does your pimp frown on that?

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

I'm still reeling from the fact that they sent you.. lol. That is just too good.

AndreaClaire said...

Um, shouldn't you becoming a hooker be a Whoreticulture Friday entry? ;)

Julie, The Wife said...

@AndreaClaire I thought about that, but I couldn't wait until Friday. I am the most enthusiastic hooker on the planet.

@GrandaMocha I am a size 10 and look EXACTLY like Julia Roberts.

Kris said...

Congrats on your new hooking job! Not many things worse in life than a job you don't like...makes life horrible!

Shiny said...

HOORAY! HOORAY~ I too was a quitter a couple years back--no regrets! Life is way too freakin' short to go insane in your thirties. Go you!! So very happy you found a better gig--and loved the Career Fair Insight. Too rich!! :)

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