Thursday, October 14, 2010

It's Whoreticulture Friday!
Issue 45

Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygiene mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word "culture". Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology. Whoreticulture Friday is not for children. Or squeamish people. Or Mother-In-Laws. Or people I work with. Because there are many things I don't need you people to know about me. SO STOP READING, CO-WORKERS. You know who you are.

Today's topic: Mommy the Sex Toy Dealer

First, I must apologize for no blog on Wednesday a.m., but The Son sprained his foot badly at football practice, and we did the whole Convenient Care/x-ray/crutches thing and he is out for the rest of the football season, and I was just not really in a bloggy place that night, so sorry for slacking!

Today already feels like one of those days when I am going to lose followers, so let me say before I begin this edition of Whoreticulture Friday that I really enjoyed the time you spent on my blog, I apologize in advance for offending you, and you will be missed.

So.  I was approached last week about selling sex toys on my blog.  Oh yes, Wifers.  Cock rings for everyone!  It's like Christmas, if Christmas was absolutely not about Jesus and we all had Spanish Fly instead of eggnog.  

(Today is also starting to feel like one of those days when I will be going to hell, so let me say to Jesus that I really enjoyed the time I was in your favor, I apologize in advance for offending you, and I will really miss heaven.)

As many of you know, bloggers get approached fairly regularly to whore out products on their blogs.  Most of these proposals are scams, and no one ever gets paid.  Unfortunately, the adult sites seem to be the only legitimate companies paying people to advertise for them.  This say a LOT about the Internet.  Since 66% of my blog posts are about kids and families and 33%, or more namely, Whoreticulture Fridays, often are about sex, I will probably not be advertising for this company.  However, since they gave me a topic, I will promote them for free today, provided they don't sue me for posting some of their photos.  Sounds like a fair exchange, no?  Eleven Creations, by reading further in my blog, you are agreeing to let me post some photos, okay?  Good.  I'm glad we got that settled.

So the company is Eleven Creations, and they seem legit.  Too legit to quit, even, because they've been in business for 18 years, which means that they started up right about the time I started harassing Current Husband to marry me because it seemed like he was getting the milk for free and therefore not purchasing the cow.  Moo.  Let's take it slow, like foreplay.
They say this is for the big finger.  
So THAT's what we're calling it these days.

This finger talk makes me harken back to New Year's Eve, 1992, when CH and I were spending the night with a very good couple friend.  We had all been drinking and playing Taboo (an excellent, and innocent, game), and the clue was Moonlighting.  The woman, who was drunk as a skunk in a funk, started telling her husband about how she had forgotten to tell him that she watched a porn the other day at home, called "Moonlighting", and that she had masturbated using "TWO FINGERS!"  CH and I hadn't known them that long, and we looked at each other like, "Best New Year's party EVER! Tell us more!" because we knew we'd talk about it for years, and the husband was trying to shut her up and saying to us, "Um, she didn't really do that, she'll be so embarrassed tomorrow" but we knew the truth because their gifts to each other were still under their Christmas tree and Santa brought him the banana-sling type underwear for men who are hung so we already knew they were funky that way, and then we woke up the next day hung over and he made us biscuits and gravy and Lord did we ever both want to throw up but we didn't because it would've been rude, especially after the underwear and masturbation thing.
Oh, are you still here?  What was I talking about?

 Oh yes.  Cock rings.

Did you hear that?  It was the sound of people Unfollowing me.  Sorry folks.  Pray for me.  I would like to say that while I find it irritating that the model on the box (pun intended) looks like Megan Fox, I love that her boob is a little on the saggy side, like she's dropped a couple of calves.  That is a 40-year-old boob, my friend.  Also, I always find it irritating when things are purposely misspelled.  "How It Workx"?  Come ON.  So you are selling cock rings and bondage tape and Spanish Fly.  Is it necessary to lower yourself to BAD SPELLING?  Be a classy, educational sex company.  I don't want to know HOW IT WORKX.  I want to know How It Works, and what Freud might have thought about it.  Make me feel SMART for using your cock ring with the pulsating tickler, batteries included. Or at least for reading the box if I'm not actually going to use the product.
Bondage tape. Pretty in Pink.

This purports to be the best selling couples product, but I'm guessing that the best selling couples product is actually a tie between Ben & Jerry's Super Fudge Brownie Chunk and Tylenol PM.  As a public service, I will tell you that if you go to Eleven Creations, stay away from the DVD and Love Dolls sections, unless you just haven't seen enough rectums today.  I, for one, haven't seen a rectum in five years since I changed my last diaper, and I have no plans to go on a Scavenger Hunt for one anytime soon.  I'm not judging, I just know I'll be reaching for either the Ben & Jerry's or the Tylenol PM tonight.  But you other couples go have your fun.

So there you have it.  My brush with fame in the sex trade.  I'm sure I would have made over $10 in commission by the end of this post, just on the Bondage Tape alone, but it just isn't my thing.  I appreciate the offer, EC, and it's nice to be wanted, but contrary to popular belief, I'm not the selling-sex-toys-on-my-wifey-blog kind of girl.

Happy Whoreticulture Friday, and have a great weekend!


Boonie S said...

Gosh. You've exhausted me with this one.
So what happened between new year's eve 1992 and n-y-e 1993? I need to know.

Have a nice day, Boonie

Mrs Woog said...

Holy Cock Rings you are funny. And if you are a reader who is considering unfollowing, come over to my blog and I will whoop your ass becuase you are a humourless git.

I think you SHOULD advertise for them. Sure as shit would be a lot more interesting than laundry detergent. As always in love, Mrs Woog

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