Thursday, October 21, 2010

It's Whoreticulture Friday!
Issue 46

Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygiene mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word "culture". Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology. Whoreticulture Friday is not for children. Or squeamish people. Or Mother-In-Laws. Or people I work with. Because there are many things I don't need you people to know about me. SO STOP READING, CO-WORKERS. You know who you are.

Today's topic: Gleedophilia

This week, Whoreticulture Friday is all about being on top of today's hot and fresh headlines.  Who is hot and fresh this week?  Some of those nutty kids from Glee.  You may be thinking to yourself, "Julie, this is a far cry from cock rings," but to you I say, "Is it, gentle reader?  IS IT?"  Because according to next month's issue of GQ magazine, those Glee Girls are fresh from Berlin and the Reeperbahn District.

The Parent's Television Council is upset about the photos because they claim they are bordering on pedophilia, but I disagree.  No one looking at those photos is thinking about little girls, they are thinking about Catholic school girls playing dress-up in fetish clothing.  Completely different.

And must we ALWAYS assume that when a 24-year-old woman wants to be photographed in her panties and bra and knee socks and stillettos and favorite lollipop it is SEXUAL?  I can offer some non-sexual takes on these photos.  It is the Liberal Media Bias Legislating From The Bench as Career Politicians who Approved This Message.  That's where the misunderstandings happen.

"My blood sugar is low.  So.  Low. 
Which is what made me forget to
wear pants to school and simulate
fellatio with a blow pop."

"I am so angry with myself for
forgetting that spike heels will
ruin the gym floor!  I deserve to
be roundly punished!"

"This is totally my favorite shirt from
the Gap because it has spandex in it,
so it's really flexible, like me! 
Wanna see me put this fuschia
pump behind my head?
"Yay, reading!  We love books! 
Look, here's a book on Exploitation! 
I'm going to bend over in my short skirt
and high heels to read it!

"I did such a good job polishing this bench
that you can see my vagina in it! 
Hooray for Brazilians!"

Okay, this one actually pisses me off.
When are we going to stop objectifying men?
This poor, innocent young man is forced to palm
those supple buttocks in a way that says,
"Hey, I'm up for two chicks at once!"

when he is clearly uncomfortable about it.
And?  Do we *need* to see his forehead?
Get a hat, dude!

See?  It's all just media slant.  And as they say, Glee is not being marketed toward teens AT ALL.  And if my teen sees these photographs, which is not likely because thank goodness there isn't any kind of crazy space-age worldwide web that will bring up these pics every time she types "Glee" in Google, she won't think they are cool at all, because they are purposely set up to be as unsexy and uncool as possible.  I mean, how many teenage girls are eating Blow Pops?  That is SO fourth grade.  And knee socks?  Please. 

I just hope the boys DO see these pictures in GQ, because they send an important message: Even if really hot girls with smokin' bods are squirming all over you and forcing their buttocks in the palm of your hands, you should KEEP YOUR CLOTHES ON and STICK TO YOUR VALUES.  If more boys would behave in this way, teen pregnancies would go way down.  So thank you, GQ.  Thank you for caring about the youth of America, and reminding us that no matter how strong your favorite female characters are on your favorite show, they are really just sluts deep down inside, trying to get a man.

*julie slow claps for GQ here*

Happy Whoreticulture Friday!  Have a great weekend!


Barbara said...

Not feelin' the words this morning, but definitely feelin' the love. LOVE this one. That is it.

Clare said...

Great one, Julie! My. thoughts. exactly.

Anonymous said...

The school girl image....the innocense in my mind has been shredded.

Corey Monteith dated a friend of mines daughter for 7 years before he got famous....HE was not raised this way. I wonder how unravelled his morals will become over time and with fame.

Anita said...

Those pictures are so unrealistic. No one wears skirts to school. It's low rise jeans and thongs. Geez, GQ. I'd think you would know the fashion trends...I mean, that WAS your humble beginning...

GrandeMocha said...

The only teenage boys who read GQ are gay and don't care about 24 year old actresses. I LOVED GQ as a teenage girl. I drooled over the models. It is too friggin cold in MI to wear panties and socks to school anyway.

Anne said...

If she's going to check out the reflection of her vagina, better she does it now rather than after she has kids.

LOVE this post of yours--so absolutely funny.

Magically Ordinary said...

Loving Whoreticulture Friday! I'm a first timer around here and so happy that I landed on your blog. Just fantastic!

Leslie said...

You are flipping brilliant. BRILLIANT!

Anonymous said...

All I can say is "YUP!" Great post. Thanks

Mrs Woog said...

Tis a whore for sure.

Post a Comment

Let's talk. Tell me all about it.