The Hood, The Mad, and The Fugly

"Why would I spend $50 each on Bert and Ernie

outfits when I can just get face paint?"

And that, my friends, is where things went terribly, terribly wrong.

Current Husband would like me to point out

that he is crouching, and that it isn't orange blackface,

he just didn't want to dye his beard.  I have no excuses.

So I am being a total cheapskate and think I can make Bert and Ernie outfits, which maybe I could if the face paint wasn't actually some horrible lead-based dye that I still can't get off of my hands.  People kept looking at us and saying, "Oh...I get it...you're horrible clowns."  Like we were making some kind of statement about clowns by purposely making clowns look bad.  The problem is that clowns really creep me out, ever since I spent the night in the guest bedroom at an old boyfriend's house, and his mom collected clowns and it was floor-to-ceiling John Wayne Gacy, all night long.  Oh holy shit people, a room like that will turn you away from the circus fast.  And so, apparently, will my homemade Bert and Ernie costumes.

Believe it or not, at one point, I looked worse.  I made myself a Bert unibrow out of clippings from Ernie's wig, and put it on two-sided tape.  However, I didn't account for how clumps would fall off the front of the tape, so then I tried to remedy it with Gorilla Glue.  Please learn from my lesson:

Do Not Put Gorilla Glue Anywhere Near One's Eyelashes

Oldest Daughter was concerned; we were going out in public, so her reputation was on the line.  She grabbed the scotch tape and stuck one long piece of tape across my head to hold the unibrow on.  And this is when the costume went from bad to fugly:

The Son actually yelped, and said,

"You look like the Bride of Frankenstein!"

So the Bert and Ernie costumes were a Fail.  But next year, we are SO nailing it.  My favorite costume was the Brett Favre with the Wranglers around his ankles, a Vikings jersey, and a huge, yet realistic looking, penis swinging around out of a jockstrap.  EVERYONE wanted a picture with Brett.  Including me.  I wish I could show you that and the picture of me with Creepy Jesus, but CH won't send them to me off of his phone.  Probably because he is still angry about the orange face paint staining his goatee.  But as I explained to him, sometimes you have to make sacrifices for your art.

Here are the offspring in the Hood:

Alice, Flamenco Dancer, Hula Girl

George watches a feral cat in the distance.

Who is mad, you might ask.  Let me show you who is mad:

George the Superpet went dressed as Todd "Hot Nuts" Epstein.

 And Todd went as George the Superpet.

And they were MAD.

Hope you had a Happy Halloween, and your costumes were better than ours!  Post pics of your costumes on the ADITW facebook page if you can figure out how!