Thursday, November 11, 2010

It's Whoreticulture Friday!
Issue 49

Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygiene mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word "culture". Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology. Whoreticulture Friday is not for children. Or squeamish people. Or Mother-In-Laws. Or people I work with. Or neighbors who are raising feral cats.

Today's topic:  The Ghost of Kisses Past

Of the three children I've birthed, one has been through sex ed at school, one has gleaned the knowledge of the older and wiser sibling, and one doesn't think Barbie and Ken can progress past the kissing stage.  For Youngest Daughter, after Ken and Barbie have kissed long enough, they share a mortagage on the Barbie Dream Home and Ken is crapping in the pink bathroom.  YD's nonchalance aside, here is how I plan to answer my children's sex questions when they finally get the guts to ask:

Q:  "How old were you when you first had sex?"
A:  "I haven't.   Not that there's anything wrong with it."

Q:  "Do you drink?"
A:  "Only for medical reasons."

Q:  "Have you smoked pot?"
A:  "Yes, I've burned a number of pans."

Q:  "What is a blow job?"
A:  "Get Mommy a fresh drink and some roller papers."

The other day Oldest Daughter and I were in the car, and we were singing along to our current favorite song, "Animal" by Neon Trees, video embedded below, (I'm a little obsessed with this song at the moment) and OD looked at me with that smug teen look and decided to get a little ballsy:

OD:  "Do you even know what this song is about?"
ME:  "Yeah.  Do YOU know what this song is about?"
OD:  "It's about sex, Mom."
ME:  "I know."
OD:  "Really? Because I don't think you knew."
ME:  "Really?  Because I've actually had sex, so I think I'd recognize it in a song."

And then I was a little horrified because A) I sort of admitted that I've had sex, and B) I am going to have to go through this whole story again when OD is in therapy and I have to listen to the therapist talk about "filters", which will just go over my head and make me thirsty for coffee. 

One would think this type of conversation wouldn't be a problem in front of one's husband.  I mean, he KNOWS you, Biblically, right?  So nothing will faze him.  Right?

Last weekend, Current Husband and I attended a lovely shindig benefiting the Iowa SIDS Foundation, and let me just take a moment from trying to be funny to say that if you need to find a worthwhile organization to send a donation, find a local SIDS Foundation chapter. Wow.  (Can I just take a moment to say I find it hard to believe that I made a plug for Iowa SIDS Foundation in a Whoreticulture Friday post?  I don't know if they would be grateful or outraged.)

ANYWHOO - here is the picture again, so you know that we occasionally step out of the house without face paint:

Hmm.  I haven't fed this picture for a week
and I still haven't lost any weight in it. 
Frigging Reeses with your irresistable
combination of chocolate and peanut butter.

There was delicious wine and lovely company - we were the table guests of some friends of ours, and they invited us with the full knowledge that CH and I are card-carrying banjo loving white trash, and about three rounds of wine tasting into the event, another couple walks by and our hosts stop to introduce them to us.  I look up, and the man and I give each other one of those, "How do I know you?" looks.  At the same time, we say, "How do I know you?" 

Here we are, three couples, standing in the social circle jerk of 'who talks now?' and you KNOW it's going to be me.  I say, "What was your name again?" and he says, "Baron Mrmrmrmr" and a slide show of three guys flashes through my brain.  They are the ghosts of kisses past.  Or more.  My eyes widen and I say, "Ohhh!" and then I do the reflex "OH SHIT" look at CH.  CH rolls his eyes and takes a drink, because he knows from past experience this could really go any way.  Baron's very lovely wife is looking from him to me like, "Do I need to spread a rumor about this woman and herpes in her PTA group?" and the host couple is smiling like, "Oh yeah, THIS is why we invited Julie."

Here is how I should have handled it:
"Oh yes, Baron!  Remember, we were in youth group together in high school!" and then let him fill in the details.  If pressed about why I looked embarrassed, say, "Baron heard me fart in church."

INSTEAD, I say this:
"Okay Baron, you know me, I dated M., stalked D., and made out with V. at the Haunted House your fraternity had with my sorority and I lost my lavaliere and made everyone look for it so my pledge mom wouldn't murder me. Weirdly enough, V. was the best kisser."

Baron starts laughing and says something along the lines of "How could I forget!?  I knew I knew you from somewhere." and his wife looks really relieved and the host couple looks a little disappointed.  CH already had this information, but it's not something he loves to talk about at cocktail parties and benefits - "Hey, has my wife told you about the time she went through a fraternity like a cop in a box of donuts?"  But he gamely went along and thankfully the next wine flight came along before I could go on any longer.

All class, all the time, people.

Here is that video I promised.  Love this song.  Happy Whoreticulture Friday and have a great weekend!


Joe Ambrosino said...

Great writing! The fact that it actually occurred is beyond my ken.(Not Barbie's Ken). My wife won't even hold my hand in public.

Lynn MacDonald said...

Funny post. I actually have tried to avoid the whole thing when the kids were young and ended up with "the funniest birds and bees talk ever" which i will soon post in my blog. Other than that, i decided to always tell my kids the truth in regards to druges, etc.

Kris said...

That's a great song! There is an awesome video on youtube which is an acoustic version of Animal. Even better than the radio version.

Lisa @ akawest said...

I would like to tell you that it gets easier as your daughters age (mine are 23 and 18) doesn't. Moms and sex keep the yuck factor forever!

Julie, The Wife said...

@Kris there is also a great Neon Trees mashup of Stand By Me and Baby on You Tube. Pretty awesome. AND? CH and I bought tickets this morning to see Neon Trees in concert Tuesday night! Yay!

Toni said...

GREAT song. Going to my iPod as I type. Thanks Julie.

Anonymous said...

love love love this post!

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