Sunday, November 14, 2010

The Tooth Fairy is Lazy?

Last week, Youngest Daughter lost another tooth.

She's seven, and in that phase when the teeth are falling out of them, and the subsequent teeth look enormous and out of place in the little mouth and they're all different lengths and sizes and you start thinking, "Well this will keep her out of prom".  But then it all works out to some extent, and even if the teeth grow in and they're somewhat straight your dentist will inevitably send you to an orthodontist because they golf together, and then the orthodontist will say, "Her teeth aren't PERFECT but they're close enough to perfect that if you'll just cough up $4000 or more and take unpaid personal time at work to bring her in for appointments over the next two to six years I can get them PERFECT."  Unless you are me, and have five (yes, FIVE) unexpected wisdom teeth and then the prior two years of nighttime headgear wearing, four years of braces, and two years of retainers will all be for naught because your teeth are going back to their British, pre-ortho care state.

But I'm not bitter and that's what's important. 

What was I talking about?  Oh yes, YD and her teeth.  So a month or so ago, she lost a tooth and very carefully placed it in the pillow and went to sleep all hopeful, only to wake up with her hopes dashed because our tooth fairy sucks.  YD was a little upset, but that night very strategically placed her tooth fairy pillow in the middle of her room, because maybe the tooth fairy just missed it.  The next morning, we all woke to the sound of YD's exasperated yelling, "YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!  I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT THE TOOTH FAIRY STILL DIDN'T COME."  Oh boy.  The following morning, the tooth fairy came, and ponied up a little extra change for the late charge.  Tooth Fairy?  YD may forgive, but she never forgets.

A few days ago, YD lost another tooth.  She very carefully placed her tooth fairy pillow out, and awoke to another disappointment.  Our tooth fairy apparently believes that children should experience disappointment early and often, so they aren't shocked when they get into the real world.  It's the responsible thing to do.

I was approached at breakfast.
YD:  "Mom, the tooth fairy didn't show up, AGAIN."
ME:  "It seems that we have a very lazy tooth fairy."
YD:  "I think the tooth fairy is you."
Oldest Daughter, now alert:  "So you think Mom is lazy?"
YD:  "Well!  She likes to sleep in on the weekends!"
(The other children stop eating and look up in interest to see how I'm going to take this.)
ME:  "I am sure the tooth fairy is very hard working and just can't manage to fit all of her work into one day.  She'll pull through, she always does." 
(Bored, the other children go back to their breakfasts.  They've heard this all before.)

YD decided to rethink her strategy.  Perhaps she should engage the tooth fairy, maybe get to know him/her a little better.  YD wrote a note to the tooth fairy, which I dearly wish I could scan, because it is so much better in her little handwriting, but sadly the scanner is still not unpacked.  Her is her tome to the tooth fairy:

Dear Tooth Fairy,
I don't now your actually real name, but will you tell me thank you.  How tall are you? Right I mean draw a picher of you on the back of this paper.  How do you now wen someone lost a tooth?  What is your favorite food and color?  What do you do with the teeth?  Wich restaurant is your favorite?  How much money does everyone get?  I look like this (insert YD's self portrait, done in ball point pen).  Are you a boy or a girl?  You write on the other side.

I saw this note, and with some exasperation went to Current Husband and said, "What the heck is this?  Are you behind this interrogation?" and CH laughed, pleased with himself, and said, "Well, if the Tooth Fairy is going to flake out, she is going to have to answer some questions!" and I said, "Well I guess the Tooth Fairy won't be doing you any favors soon". 

The next morning, YD did get her money, and the following response:

Dear YD,
There are lots of tooth fairies, because there are lots of teeth.  My name is Melvin.  I am two and a half inches tall.  I know when a tooth falls out because it is really loud.  My favorite color is green, and I like to eat at Buffalo Wild Wings.  I return the teeth to the factory to be cleaned and re-used.  How much money is given depends on the market price of silver on that day, it is a very complicated process.  Thanks for the tooth and the note,

YD was so excited.  "I have the same tooth fairy as Eddie!  His tooth fairy is named Melvin too!"  What are the odds that I would get so lucky?  Eddie, who is in YD's class and only lives a block or two away, also has a tooth fairy named Melvin!  Of course!  This is Melvin's territory, and as YD knows, there have been a LOT of teeth falling out around these parts lately.  This explains everything.  The tooth fairy isn't LAZY...the tooth fairy is BUSY.  Big difference.

So stick that in your pipe and smoke it, older children.  Now someone go out and get me some Buffalo Wild Wings, stat.  And to you, CH, Mr. 1000 Questions?  The answer is NO.


Jody said...

Awesome post, I'm still laughing. Well handled Melvin. x

International Woman of Mystery said...

Awwww... what a cute note. I remember writing notes like that to the Tooth Fairy too. When do we loose our curiosity and stop writing notes like that? Well, I guess when we stop believing in the Tooth Fairy and Santa Clause...

Peggy Sue Brister said...

If your child is still young enough to get tooth fairy money but can correctly spell restaurant herself, she must be super smart. Most adults can't spell it right.

Lisa @ akawest said...

Ewww...cleaned and reused teeth...funny stuff!

Joe Ambrosino said...

You're a pisser!

Shiny said...

HAHAHAHA!!! Thanks for making me feel better on a Monday morning! :) My 7-year old has been droppin' teeth faster than the leaves on our cottonwood lately! A tooth fairy can't keep up! One week she had one just hangin' there, so we made sure we had some cash on hand for that one. We were in the clear. Next night--she dropped 2 more pearly whites! Ummm...tooth fairy didn't have change for a 20 at 10 o'clock at night. Needless to say, in our TF's territory, coloring books are acceptable forms of payment! :)

Shiny said...

P.S. I never commented on the post cuz I was lazy, but I am still laughing about your Bert and Ernie costumes from Halloween! :D I laugh with tears everytime I think about it--TOO FLIPPIN' FUNNY!!! You rock, My Friend!

Tonya Dreher said...

We forgot 7 yr old son's tooth fairy money 3 nights in a row and saved ourselves by saying, Of course she didn't come! We forgot to register your tooth online! Everyone knows the tooth fairy doesn't come if you don't register!"

GrandeMocha said...

I'm doing it wrong. The tooth fairy always comes, depriving him of the experience of disappointment. He will be unprepared for the real world.

Steph said...

Melvin must be our tooth fairy too. He forgot to drop by Friday night and pick up a certain 7 year old's tooth at my house too. Wonder if it's union thing....

Toni said...

My now 23 year old STILL has a note his Tooth Fairy gave him.
This was a brilliant post, Julie, I'm still chuckling here. *market price of silver heh heh heh*

Anonymous said...

awesome post!

Anita said...

Once when Kee was little and at her Dad's, she put her tooth under her pillow and waited for the tooth fairy. She woke up in the middle of the night and caught Paul with his hand under her pillow and screamd at him to quit stealing her money!

Anonymous said...

Such a cute post! And what a lazy tooth fairy your child has. My daughter has a lazy tooth fairy too. And every time she loose a tooth, or when her sedation dentist (Raleigh-area) pulled her tooth, she hasn't get anything from her tooth fairy. Maybe I should write to her tooth fairy the next time she has loose tooth and get some bucks from her!

kelly said...

The tooth fairy also takes a note in place of a tooth if your tooth falls out at the grocery store, and is never seen again.

Anonymous said...

I had to end up writing lengthy responses to my daughter because, duh, I'm the creative one. Had to write in big, flourishy girly handwriting so not to give her a clue. Coulda called myself Melvin and saved a lot of time.

Former co-worker at PTWLMB

Melibojangles said...

Ok. You are officially amazing.

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