Thursday, November 18, 2010

It's Boreticulture Friday.
Issue 1

Boreticulture: The industry and science of boring the socks off of your readers. Boreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of crochet, vanilla ice cream, and Yanni music. The word is composite, from two words, bore, from teenagers meaning "lame", and the word "culture". Like NPR's Science Friday, Boreticulture Friday exists to make you wish you were reading absolutely anthing else but this.

Today's topic: State Honors Orchestra

I'm not going to lie to you people, I'm going to bore your socks off today.  So take another slug of that espresso and finish your Jolt Cola, because it's going down now.

I spent my entire day thinking about what to write about for Whoreticulture Friday, but I had one of those days where unfunny things just kept happening all day long.  You know what I'm talking about....I like to think of them as pinata days, when you are all full of candy and you're all colorful and fun, and then someone picks up a bat and tries to knock the paper maiche smile off of your face.  But at least eveyone got to eat some candy.

On the happy front, Oldest Daughter was one of five kids at her middle school asked to play at state honors orchestra, which is kind of a big deal.  To me, anyway.  She was one of two cellists, and she left for Ames, Iowa today to spend the night in a hotel with a bunch of other middle schoolers.  Yikes!  I felt safer with her in the bar seeing Neon Trees under my tutelage than in a hotel room three hours away with a pack of teenagers.  She has been texting all night about her evening, so at least Mommy is pacified.  Tomorrow, after CH and I drop The Son at his early morning orchestra rehearsal and take YD to school, we are driving to Ames for the performance.  CH and I both graduated from Iowa State, so it will be terrifyingly aging  fun to see her there.

Because we were sad about OD being gone, the rest of us ate a Papa Johns pepperoni and sausage pizza and a cinna-pie to drown our sorrows, and watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.  George the Superpet had Purina Dog Chow.  Todd the Squirrel ate nothing, as he is dead.

Are you bored yet?  Let me work on that a bit more.  Hmmmm.  I'm currently reading "Bobby and Jackie", by C. David Heymann, which basically asserts that Jackie Kennedy Onassis was a slut and had an affair with Bobby until he was killed, and then she freaked out when Bobby was shot and had to get her kids out of the country, so she agreed to marry Onassis because he was filthy rich and could essentially hide her in Greece.  Interestingly, it appears Jackie was sleeping with both RFK and Ari, and the men were bitter rivals, so Ari said he had "bagged the queen" the first time he slept with her so RFK would find out.  Those people in the Sixties, they be having lots of sex up in here.

Here's another uninteresting tidbit from my week - I've mentioned that I'm now training to be a hooker, and one of the old hookers was on the phone with me from North Carolina, ordering some equipment for her craft.  We talked about hooking, and then she said something I couldn't hear, and when I asked her to repeat, she said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I was just taking a gulp of wine."  Not a sip, not a drink, a gulp.  I pointed this out to her, and she laughed and said, "Just you wait, honey, the older you get the more things change, and the more fun you'll have.  I love wine, I love rug hooking, and I love sex."

In that order? Rug hooking must be awesome.

She continued on to tell me that post-menopausal sex is the best ever, and to keep hope, it will all be great in the future.  I thought to myself, "How, in ordering new blades for her wool cutter, did this lovely, well-meaning woman get the impression I don't like sex?"

When I got home that night, I told CH about it, and he told me how many days had passed since we'd had sex, and then I realized CH is praying for early menopause.  I'm stocking the wine rack and looking into rug hooking.  What happened to the semi-slutty party girl he married? Poor CH.  He suffers so.

Well, I hope you are fast asleep.  Thus concludes your first issue of Boreticulture Friday.  Have a great can only get better, right?


Toni said...

I may have to take up rug-hooking.

PHX Mama said...

I may have to take up menopause.

The Insatiable Host said...

I think that Rug Hooking and Whores are the same thing...Rug Hooking could be code for the jiggy jiggy.. ?? no? ok.

well i had to stop by officially and leave a comment because although i have been reading and keeping up with your life, i haven't been a good supporting blog-friend. i had a conversation with Todd Hot-Nuts Epstein the other day about how i miss the wife and wondered how she and CH were know what that hard little f*cker said "she's great - get me my rum B#&$h!" in an instant I knew that I had to comment and share some love.

Todd also enjoys hanging on my fridge and often the kids say good morning to him, so I dont know what was up his ass yesterday - mayby PMS ?

whatever the reason, I am here,I miss you and I wrote today. whew.

i need a drink.

Maxabella said...

You're funny, even when you're boring. It's actually scary how many blog posts out there go on and on about mundane things... but, really, congrats to your lovely daughter and great news about post-menopausal sex. Something to look forward to... x

SueWags said...

Boreticulture had me laughing out loud!!!! Here's to wine gulping!

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