Thursday, September 1, 2011

It's Whoreticulture Friday!
Issue 70

Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygiene mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word "culture". Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology. Whoreticulture Friday is not for children. Or squeamish people. Or Mother-In-Laws. Or people I work with. Or people who represent Carolyn Keene's estate who might sue me for trademark infringement, as we are now in Nancy Drew Month on A Day In The Wife.

 Today's Book:  The Clue in the Crumbling Wall

Seeing Nancy and Bess and George crouching in the bush, next to the metaphorical Crumbling Wall, makes me realize that I'm worried about Kim Kardashian's vagina.

As a matter of fact, I'm worried about a number of Hollywood vaginas that are attached to small women who are married to big dudes.  I don't watch Kardashian shows, or read Kardashian articles, and I care so little about or for her that I didn't buy this:

It takes a lot to get me to pass on this week's People magazine.  But this ridonkulousness?  Did Kim marry Kim?  There are gowns, guests, glamour, and a wedding album...was there a groom?  Does anyone care?  Kim might not be having second thoughts, but her vagina is.

Rudimentary anatomy tells me that his penis is bigger than her head.
Where is he packing that thing? Is she carrying it in her purse? 
With her now-defunct uterus?

Kim and Kris aren't the only ones with this problem.  Just look at the probable penis size and compare it to the corresponding hidey-hole.  Remember Sesame Street?  "Which of these things is not like the other..."

Eva and Tony...she finally said "Back that truck up and
No, you don't get your security deposit back."

Shaq and Shawnie, she got him to quit breaking her backboard.

Will and Jada. 
Still gettin' jiggy wit it, but she is standing awkwardly. 
 Probably because her vagina hurts.

I know that some of you will say "I would be getting all over that bull penis" (you know I'm thinking about YOU, Wall of Pain!), but really?  Would you?  Because I'm thinking I might be smiling in the moment, but then be walking like Yosemite Sam for a week, and be just as pissed.  Or pissing myself.  It depends on how much the wall actually crumbles.

Nancy Drew would be scandalized.  She would consult with her father, Carson Drew, and then have a five course meal with fruit salad in compotes for dessert, and then discuss it with Hannah, the maternal housekeeper for the Drews.  But that would all be for naught, because only Ned could help her crack this case, and then Nancy would know that her walls were crumbling because of Ned's leaning chimney.

Happy Weekend Wifers!  I hope your walls get some crumbling, if you want them to.  I'm personally going to solve The Mystery of The Silent Alarm Clock.



Peruby said...

Well this post made me clamp my legs together. Ouch! That is kind of the first thing I thought of when I saw their picture on the Internet or on a mag. cover, too. We are sick, I tell you, sick!

RE: Nancy Drew - What is with the girls climbing the tree in skirts? Looks dangerous to me.

I read Hardy boys because my brother had a collection. Never read Nancy. Sigh. I missed out but I figure the Hardy boys were pretty much the same stories.

GrandeMocha said...

I LOVE THIS!!! I was 5'5" at 10.5 yrs. I was taller than most of the boys basketball team in HS. I HATE tall guys with short girls. The little girls can date anyone & he'll be taller. Save the big boys for the big girls. I never thought about the big boys having big junk but hell yes, it makes sense. Another reason to date big girls. THANKS Julie for making my case for me.

You should share this info with teenagers across the country. The big girls will thank you!

Anonymous said...

Have you ever seen the show strange sex on tlc - check this out! Crazy!

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