F U Dora and the Box you Came In

Merry Christmas, Happy 'Holidays I Don't Celebrate But Am Curious About', and Happy New Year soon. Christmas in our house was excellent, good flannel-pj-wearing-no-showering-wine-food-and some churchin' fun. Until it was time to open Dora Links, which is a new Dora game.

Youngest Daughter, who learned Spanish by watching Dora the Explorer on Nick, got the Dora Links doll for Christmas. Dora has grown into a teenager, because all good things must be ruined by puberty. You take your Dora doll and plug her into your computer, and you can change her hair, her room, etc. and while this is happening, the actual Dora doll glows intensely in the cheeks, eyes, and jewelry as though she were the spawn of Satan.

Before Dora could glow like the undead, she had to get set up on the computer. No one can tell a good story like Dora, so she'll tell you about our adventure. Vamanos! Let's go!

Hola! I'm Dora. Dora Links is coming to Julie's house to take up lots and lots of space on her computer. Can you say hasta la vista, hard drive? Great!

Wait! I hear a noise! It's the sound of a struggle, and some mild swearing. Do you know who is making that noise? It's Youngest Daughter's mother, Julie, trying to break Dora Links out of the plastic box she is seemingly soldered into. Mother in Spanish is Madre or Mama. Can you say Mom has a knife? Mamá tiene un cuchillo. I'm scared, Boots!

Julie has finally got me out of the box, and now she is downloading my software onto her already overburdened hard drive. Don't do it, Mom! Do you know how to say that in Spanish? No lo hagas Madre! After a few hours of trying to figure out why Dora's software won't download on Mom's sad computer, we are ready to play! But wait! We need the all-important code off of the front of my box! We can't go any further on the Dora Links website without the code! But where is it? What's that Boots? Boots says it WAS on the front of the plastic box, but now it is probably somewhere in the four bags of garbage Mom took out a couple of hours ago. Let's go on an adventure!

First, we have to go through the Snowy Snow! Mom gets her boots and gloves on and says something like "Why the hell do I have to do this! It's like getting punished for cleaning!" Mom hears what sounds like crickets, and everyone in the family has mysteriously disappeared, so she heads out into the Snowy Snow. It is cold outside!

Next, we get to the Smelly Garbage Can. What is that sound? RIP! That's the sound of plastic garbage bags tearing as Mom goes through her own garbage cans! Mom picks through the bloody butcher wrapper from the roast beef...down into the coffee grounds...and over the old juice boxes! What's that Mom? Hey, I can't print that here! This is a family site!

I hear a loud banging sound. What could be making that noise? It is Mommy, kicking the garbage can because she can't find the code! Boots and I are laughing. What's that Madre? Te mato, punta! I think Mommy just looked at me and said, "I will kill you, bitch!" Mommy stumbles through the Snowy Snow and tries to grab me, but I am a very fast runner. Wait! Is that the code from the Dora box? But I hear a sound. Is that Swiper? Quick! We have to yell "Swiper no swiping" or Julie will lose the code forever! Say it with me! "Swiper no swiping! Swiper no swiping! Swiper no...UMPH!" Mommy has just tackled me in the snow. She smells like garbage and her good gloves are damp on the fingertips. She has a crazy look in her eyes. Can you say Mommy is crazy? Mama esta loca! And now Swiper has the code and it is gone forever!

"You'll never get it now! Ha ha ha!" Swiper gloats and rips the code up into a million pieces!

"Swipe THIS, Fox!" Julie says as she shoots Swiper with her rifle. Can you say that in Spanish? "Golpe este zorro!" The children are looking out of the window and crying as Swiper bleeds out into the snow. Relajarse, Madre! You need to relax before the policia get involved!

We've been through the Snowy Snow and the Smelly Garbage, and now Swiper is dead. What's that Boots? Current Husband is in his comfy warm flannel pants inside, on the phone with Fisher Price! He already got the code on the phone! CH es nuestro héroe! CH is our hero! But Julie is wondering why CH didn't tell her he was calling Fisher Price, and let her go through four bags of semi-decomposed matter and torn wrapping paper while he got the code? What's that Boots? We should take the rifle away from Julie? Yes, let's do that Boots! Hurry! Prisa! We did it! Yay!

Julie is taking a shower, and Youngest Daughter is playing Dora Links. CH is pouring Julie a glass of wine, because he is afraid. Can you say 'afraid' in Spanish? Miedo! Great! Good night, Boots! Buenas Noches! And next year, let's remind Madre not to buy any toys that require a download on her computer! Adios!